Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Nature Weaves

Time beats a beating drum,
Drums sound a steady hum,
Hummingbirds fly and carry the wind,
The wind howls the wolves move in.
Inward weaving steady still,
Still the duck moves its heavy bill,
Bills fly like winter night,
Night creates a gorgeous sight.
Sights are glorious treasured view,
Viewed by all as if brand new,
New seasonal colors to explore,
Exploring mountains forever more.
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Mind Throbs

Mind throbs,

Chaos whirling and winding,

Joggers footsteps,

Mind racing,

Stream water trickling,

No rest but no pain,

Branches twirling and spinning,

Mind throbs,

Just rest, but I can't,

Mind races and paces,

Can't stop,

Let it out as it comes,

Raw natural,

Wind blowing slight breezes.

<SI> Scott Izu
© December 2014

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

God, Where are You?

God, I know you exist,

I sense you in your magnificent creation,

Like the Tower of Bablyon fell light years short of the heavens,

So does our science fall short,

Our pattern recognition is no match for your creation of the human eye,

The nueral networks of man don't even stand in the same class as that of the human brain,

It is not by reasoning that I believe in you,

But by your wonders beyond comprehension,

It is by the teachings of a God man,

That baffle the imagination,

With their deep insight of ironic complexity,

So what do you wish of me?

To follow my heart?

Oh how it deceives me,

To trust my logic?

Oh how it is filled with falacies,

To trust man?

Oh but they are all broken,

And each follows a path,

For which they believe to be true,

But surely it leads to death,

And what of my brokeness?

How can I not see my own destruction?

Even when placed right before me,

How can I not see or understand?

God, even when I hear your voice,

My flesh rebels against it,

For I doubt your existence,

And convince myself,

That you are just an illusion,

God, I need you, I seek you,

A blind, broken, humble man,

I stand before you.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Mourning Death

Alfred was an English man. He moved to the states when he was young with his mother, father and sister. His dad had taken a better paying job, one that had the potential to create a better life for him and his family. Whenever Alfred spoke with me about it, he seemed to not have an opinion one way or another. Moving on was a natural part of life.

We shared that history, since I myself am part British. And even though neither of us was Irish, we tended to enjoy our times together at a local Irish pub in San Jose in San Pedro Square. Perhaps it was the European connection. When you have rare opportunities to connect, you tend to grasp for the simple strands no matter how unfounded they are or what stretch of the imagination is required.

And St Patrick's day was the perfect cover for Alfred's drinking problems. He was the kind of alcoholic that was allowed by society. No one ever mentioned it or talked about it. He never passed out anywhere but his home. It was the self managed and self contained alcoholic. I mean as long as you don't hurt anyone and you continue to pull your weight, why say anything? As long as no one mentions the problem, it must not be a problem, right? That was Alfred. The socially acceptable alcoholic.

Close to my 30th birthday, Alfred's father passed away from a heart attack. Alfred was really close to his father and I remember several of our conversations after his father's passing. He started to question God's intentions. He wondered why God would leave his mother to fend for herself. Alfred felt it was too sudden. It really affected him since he wasn't prepared for it. It was sad because even Alfred had no real spiritual life before his father's death. And after, he seemed to be well planted in his position that God, if he did exist was cruel and did not deserve his time or worship.

I still remember that conversation to this day.

I thought about the irony of the situation. If Alfred's father was a terrible father, no one would curse God for his death. But he was a great father, so shouldn't that mean that Alfred should have thanked God for blessing him in such a wonderful way. And if death meant peace and returning his father to the God to whom he belonged, why wouldn't death be a wonderful thing? Is it that we are so limited in our thinking that we don't believe there are possibilities beyond our pain. Is our pain so great, that we cannot even consider what is best for the ones we love? What if God specifically placed Alfred's father in Alfred's life for a specific season to plant the seeds needed for future trials. The trials that would ultimately lead to growth, strength, character and a number of intentional purposes designed specifically for Alfred by the hand of God himself.

But I never opened my mouth. I just sat, listened and drank happily away. Perhaps the alcohol will one day cure our deep pains.

Day Four

Day four,

I wake up,

My mind racing a million thoughts per minute,

My hands are shaking,

I am back at the safe house,

Thank God,

No more cops waking me up in the emergency room waiting area,

Questioning me,

Some places won't even take you,

Unless you are wasted,

No more taking extra drinks just to get in,

Day four,

It was Christmas so I had to party it up,

I know, I know,

I had to numb the pain,

Its a good thing there are no booze in this house,

This anxiety is killing me,

Its just a depressant,

You don't need it,

You don't,

Okay, I have to just get out of bed,

If I can just make it to the shower,

Day four.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Monday, December 29, 2014

To the Heart of the Mountain

I wake up early on my quest,

My bags are packed and I am prepped,

A little note I write,

And kind words I send her way.


The journey starts with mental preparation,

Its the first third that commits me to the trek,

I make her morning coffee,

And begin work on the project she desires.


Its the end that makes the beginning easy,

But to endure the middle I must enjoy the journey,

I tease her with the playful thoughts,

And act as if she may lose me.


I see the beauty in the trees and nature,

I feel alive as I breathe the air,

I focus on all that attracts me to her,

Soaking in her goodness is plenty.


Barriers stand in my path,

I must make due with few supplies,

I overcome the obstacles she throws my way,

I creatively subdue her unexpectedly.


I come to the final stretch,

The glorious destination is now in sight,

I lay her down softly,

And realize there is yet another mountain to climb.


My intuition guides me through,

I must conserve my energy,

Her body warms to mine,

Gentle kisses and touches prep her well.


My journey is almost complete,

But I take time to let it all in,

Our bodies speed in harmony,

Then slow to embrace every sense.


The final destination is reached,

Oh what a glorious sight it is!

Our bodies climax in unison,

Screams of passion burst through.


An expert checks the gear,

And considers furture trips,

We collapse side by side,

Cuddling and talking for hours.


On my way down,

The journey is swift and smooth.

I rise again,

Did she think that we were through?

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Daily Gratitude

God if you took away my sight,

Would I still love you?

God if you took away my health,

Would I still love you?

God if you took away my loved ones,

Would I still love you?


God do your worst,

So that my faith may be tested.


It is not hard to love you during hard times.

It is simply hard to obey you.

It should be easy to love you during easy times.

But it is just too easy to forget you.


Then again, what do I know of faith and love?

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Silent Stone

I am a nobody, a nothing, a no one.

Like Raven, I absorb the energy around me.

It exudes from me and explodes outwardly,

But it is not my own.

What walks in my parents simply runs in me.

No original Facebook posts, simply a resharer.

No Tweets or Instagram viralities,

Nothing to brand, nothing brand new.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Sunday, December 28, 2014


Purge my heart Oh Lord,

Let your whip crucify my spirit,

Force my pride to its knees.


Give me more to carry,

Nail me to my cross,

So that I may know.


And when I cry out,

May your mercy shine,

Grace like rain drops.

The Unforgiven

I used to lie in bed at night,

Listening to the blood curling screams,

As my father beat my mother.


And the soul piercing words,

Echoed across the open hall,

Placing her into the deep abyss.


And then I grew up,

And the evil I had done to you,

Was ten times worse.


But if you can forgive,

And thank God through it all,

Your transformation will be complete.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Saturday, December 27, 2014

A Tale of Venus

Mary had just moved from the East coast to West coast.  She left her family after completing college to pursue a career.  She decided to not break up with her boyfriend before leaving.  Probably because she was afraid to be alone.

You see Mary always had hooks in the water.  A sea of boys she could turn to in order to ensure she would never be alone.  To ensure she would always have someone to talk to.  Love diversification.

When she moved to the West coast, she found herself quickly involved in a new relationship.  Her charm and emotional intelligence coupled with a daring and adventerous character made for a deadly combination amongst men.  For some reason, stable men who found it difficult to pursue women often found themselves naturally taking on a protective role when Mary showed up.  She made it so smooth and easy.  All the more reason, they became so attached when she did catch them with her bait.

So Mary stood with a boyfriend on the East coast and a boyfriend on the West coast, both stable and actively pursuing careers.

Most women find it difficult to foster a relationship with a single man.  Mary had no difficulty and refused to give full commitment because her own mother had seen dreadful years.  Mary's parents weren't divorced but it was clear they only stayed together for society's benefit.  Mary decided she would never let that happen.

The problem was that Mary's West coast boyfriend travelled a lot.  Mary dreadfully needed to fill that empty void.  The one everyone has.  Some fill it with work.  Others television.  Then there are the life draining void fillers like sex, drugs, gambling and everything in between.  No.  Mary was a relationship junkie.

When Mary's West coast boyfriend went travelling, she naturally fell into the arms of her third prize, Steven.  Steven, had many of the same qualities.  Stable, accomodating and ambitiously pursuing a career.

Mary loved intelligence.  It was remarkably attractive to her.  She could spout off in deep conversaton about life.  Mary new what men needed.  It was simple.  Men need a wife.  But at times the wife needs to morph into a mother.  Other times she must morph into a sister.  Men need a wife to have a daughter.  Because when a man's heart runs dry and fails to have the capacity to love, he needs a daughter to grow fond of and replace the feelings of adolescent love.  Mary always said, in time a man's love for his daughter would supecede his love for his wife.  And as the wife strategically played the roles, she would nurture and care for the man's heart.  It was this treatment that would give the man reason to give his heart fully and allow her to be his personal care giver for life.

Mary also new the seasons of a woman's heart.  The man would first need to be the bad boy.  The rebellious, adventurous, challenging soul.  The one to capture her heart unexpectedly.  The one who would do this despite the woman's laundry list of characteristics she believed her ideal man should have.  A list which ignorantly appealed to the mind, but not the heart.  This would give an adolescent memory of seasons of romantic notions.

In time the warrior spirit of the bad boy would take on leadership roles to be the hunter that provided a stable environment.  An environment to raise kids in.

And as she grew tired and weary, he would have to slow as well.  A man that in the latter years could reap the fruits of years of labor to deliver wonderfully concocted stories and provide transportation around the world.  To grow old with and enjoy the golden years together.

So here, Mary was, giving her first priority to her East coast boyfriend, her next priority to her West coast boyfriend and remaining crumbs of time to Stephen.  Interestingly enough, each boyfriend only knew about the preceding boyfriends.  So it was the last boyfriend, Stephen who knew about the others.  It was the last boyfriend, who knew Mary at the deepest level.  Stephen knew Mary's deep dark secrets and loved and accepted her as she was.  He provided a safety net to capture all of her thoughts, feelings and emotions.

One weekend, when Mary's West coast boyfriend came back from a business trip, Mary told Stephen she would be spending time away, because she had given her West coast boyfriend the highest priority.

Stephen knew Mary needed the freedom to explore and discover for herself what she wanted.  He had spent hours trying to get to know her.  Wondering what she valued in the other two.  Asking what she expected from each of the relationships.  Even listening in the same room as she spoke to the other boyfriends on the phone.  Mary was completely comfortable being herself around Stephen.  And while most men would be protective or jealous, Stephen allowed conversation on Mary's past intimacies and current intimacies.  Stephen allowed it and in turn developed an even deeper intimacy than any of the relationships Mary had ever had.

At the end of the day, Mary never felt like a possession or a piece of meat.  She never felt like Stephen's needs or desires came before hers.

And when she mentioned Stephen was last on the priority list, Stephen kissed her, said he wished he was her number one but understood, and wished her a week of fun.  He told her he would miss her while she was gone.

The funny thing was, Mary left to meet her West coast boyfriend but came back to Stephen within a few hours.  They broke up.  With the love and care Mary felt from Stephen, even the few hours away felt like a lifetime.  And compared to the intimacy shared between Mary and Stephen, Mary's West coast boyfriend seemed light years away.  What she loved and admired seemed like a distant past.  Of course, Stephen saw it all.  He accepted it all.  How could it be any other way?

Within months, Mary slowly pulled other hooks out of the water.  Still scared.  And in her own time.  Stephen knew that love is patient.  And patience does not demand.  It simply waits.


And she asks, "How can you just walk away from everything and settle for crumbs?"

And I look across the room at a sea of people.

If you knew what I have done, if you knew who I was than you wouldn't love me.

You would abandon me.

Because people all focus on themselves and when you speak out,

They cannot get beyond their hurts, their pain or their desire to be known.

They cannot step into your frame because their belief system is what allowed them to survive.

And to let that go for just an instant, might mean their death.

So you walk around a ghost, among a sea of ghosts.

All desiring to be known and understood yet understood by no one.

So I would give it all, for a second, an instant, a single moment.

A sign of hope that I can be loved.

That I can be accepted.

As who I am, the ugliness that is me.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
©  December 2014

Friday, December 26, 2014


She is like the moon,

So beautiful and glorious,

She stands out among the stars,

Clear as day that she is special.


But upon further review,

The moon is only seen,

Because it reflects the light,

Of the glorious sun.


Shall I worship the sun?

Or settle for the moon?

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

I think about you day and night,

And as I gaze on stars so bright,

My head spins round I can't sit still,

The cool breeze blows I feel the chill,

To sit and wait time plays its game,

Orion stands to take his aim.

I'm staring at a peaceful view,

It's gorgeous like the sight of you.


How to Capture a Butterfly

I ran into Todd a while back at a cocktail party. Todd and I have known each other for a long time. Him and I are able to have deep conversations because we share an analytical mindset that allows us to discuss various topics for hours and hours, diving deeper and deeper. He, like myself, gets little pleasure from discussing the daily gossip or the advancement of your favorite football team. No, we thrive off of talking about life's mysteries and big ideas.

Over the years, I saw a dramatic change in Todd's relationship with Rebecca. And late in the evening, when several people had gone home, we found ourselves sitting on the back porch, when he shared a remarkable story with me.

To tell you a little bit about their history, Todd was always pretty stable. He knew what he wanted in his career and he just moved steadily toward it. He was a loyal person in general. When I met Rebecca for the first time, I was laughing because they were so opposite. That night we went to a local pub and a few of us had some drinks and pretty much engaged in conversation the whole evening. The three of us sat at the same table, with our beers sitting upright on a few bar stools.

On the other hand, I don't think Rebecca even sat down with us for five minutes. She was hopping around the room, chatting with everyone like she new them! She was hugging random people. Every once in a while, she would stop by our table. She would make us all move around to fit her in and then a few minutes later she was off again. This happened throughout the night. I remember being slightly annoyed but decided not to say anything about it.

That night, I remember looking at Todd and without even asking a question, he defended her in some way. I can't remember his exact words but something to the effect of "That's how she is." and "I know the one who is going to take her home." She was definitely the social butterfly.

As you can expect, their relationship didn't stay so happy for long. A few years later, when I ran in to them, Todd and I would share grievances about how annoying our wives could be. Looking back, I don't know why I focused on that negative energy but perhaps sometimes, you just want to know you are not the only one struggling. When she would come up to Todd, he would insult her. He never directly called her stupid, but you could tell from his body language and his snide comments, that is what he thought of her. I always felt bad for her because I could see her cringe and some of the pure positivity that she embodied would seep out little by little with each comment.

And then I didn't see them for a while. That brings us to back to the cocktail party.

That night at the cocktail party, everything had changed. They seemed to somehow be connected again. And Todd decided to open up to me about what had happened. He told me that Rebecca had had an affair. He told me that they had lived together for a year during the affair. They had a two bedroom apartment and slept in separate bedrooms. He told me that he didn't know why they even stayed together because everything seemed hopeless. They cared about each other and money was tight, so part of the reason was that they couldn't afford to separate. Part of the reason was that both of them had hope for their relationship and they hadn't officially decided to go the divorce route because of how it would affect family members. Throughout this time, Rebecca would say things that made Todd believe the affair would stop, but she would never commit to fully stopping the affair. Todd kept trying to get her to commit to the relationship and became so frustrated because Rebecca never committed to anything. She would tell him, "Its not that simple."

So they slept in separate rooms. They lived a functional life, ignoring each other most of the time, sometimes fighting but mostly going their separate ways.

Then, right before the beginning of summer, they had a huge fight. Rebecca was going off on Todd, spewing out words of hatred and resentment. Todd, on the other hand, remained relatively calm. He had always had great self restraint. Todd didn't tell me what Rebecca was yelling, but he told me that he just broke down in tears on the couch. He stopped the bickering back and forth and the blaming and attacking. He just couldn't do it anymore. He broke down and completely started bawling. He thought for sure, Rebecca was going to just continue to hurt and hurt him, especially now that he was wounded.

But she stopped. Todd told Rebecca that he was sorry for the last year. He said, he was sorry because their relationship together was so beautiful that it was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He said, he was frustrated because he had a vision of spending a lifetime together with his beautiful butterfly and growing old together.

Todd told Rebecca that deep down, he knew, he always knew, he didn't deserve her. She deserved the best life had to offer. She was so beautiful and courageous. Todd walked into one of the bedrooms. Soon after, he came out carrying two tickets. He placed them on the table. He said, "I bought these for your a few weeks ago."

Rebecca glanced at the two tickets to Oahu, Hawaii on the table.

"You deserve a life of joy and happiness. I wish I could be that man who was your everything. I wish I could be your all. But I know I can't. I know you deserve more. So, I bought these for you and Mike. I know you two will be happy together. And I wanted to start you off knowing that I wish you the best and you have my blessing. I will always love you and cherish our memories together. But I know that you need to move on."

Todd told me that he was crying the whole time. He walked out of the house in that moment and went to the beach. He told me that he must have been gone for several hours. He was mentally preparing for a new life without Rebecca.

But when Todd got home, he found a note on the table and the tickets untouched. Rebecca had written a small note, "I knew the man I married and fell in love with was in there somewhere. I just wasn't sure if I'd ever see him again. I love you."

Todd said that the relationship continued to be rocky for a long time. But they both were committed and both worked hard to move through their issues together. He told me he hoped I would never have to go through what he went through but that in the end, it was all worth it and he wouldn't trade it for anything.

I never quite understood this story or what had changed. I guess it was one of my first insights into the mysteries of a woman. No rhyme or reason, I say, no rhyme or reason.

Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Monday, December 22, 2014

A Lighthouse in Time

There used to be a time I believed in lighthouses.
I used to think there was good in the world.
That kind selfless souls did exist.

There used to be a time when laughter was not filtered.
When joy seeped out and couldn't be stopped.
When a smile was just natural.

There used to be a time I sought out to conquer the world.
Before I discovered my own inner fears.
And I thought all was possible.

There used to be a time when love was so simple.
When the sun would rise and the sun would set.
And a kiss was just a kiss.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014


My heart is ripping right out of my chest,
A billion options and not one is best,
No matter which path I decide to choose,
At the end of the day someone will lose.


All these people, so many desires,
Pushed and pulled in a dark burning fire,
People just seem to be funny this way,
We get what we want then refuse to stay.


To ease this pain takes just a simple word,
Straight to the heart the moment it occurs.
Why do I build upon such flaky ground?
Why rely on things so easily found?


All these years I have been a selfish beast,
Admitting change is hard to say the least,
What dares to remain is a dreadful void,
Time has slowed down beyond the realm of joy.


Trust is hard since I only know my works,
Especially when it calls us to hurt.
Bless me with peace as you comfort my soul,
Help me to remember 'til I grow old.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Emotions Stir

Let me wallow in self pity,

I may be here a while,

Give me time to search my sadness,

And do it with some style.


Depression lets me grieve my loss,

To move on and not complain,

Anger will let me right a wrong,

And in time lets justice reign.


All these emotions good and bad,

Have a season and a place,

They help us view the world so grand,

All a sign of God's great grace.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Friday, December 19, 2014

Royal Majesty

Her heart is in the open,

On display to see,

Her poetry in motion,

Can it really be?


This delicate creation,

Full of privacy,

The intimate sensation,

Turns herself to flee.


The mask it rises slowly,

Covering despair,

Now all she feels is lonely,

How can this be fair?


Let yourself just live again,

Peace and harmony,

Allow time to heal and mend,

Let yourself be free.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014


I am not smarter than you,

I am not faster than you,

And I am not stronger than you,

But I will beat you.


Because when the rest of the world is sleeping,

When the rest of the world is zoning out,

When the rest of the world is distracted,

I will remain focused.


We both fail but the difference is,

I will get back up,

I will learn from my fall,

And I will refuse to give up on my ideals.


Failure only comes because the bar is set high.

The acceptance of reality does not justify remaining stagnant within the realm of mediocrity.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014


One day, I walked my dog with fleas,
And we passed some trees,
that all had bees.

All of a sudden, I felt a breeze,
Which caused me to sneeze,
And I started to wheeze.

It became so cold, I began to freeze
So my words did tease,
"Oh geez! Luiz!"

In desperation, I fell to my knees,
And prayed, "Oh please!"
"I want no disease!"

Just then, I found my keys,
Dropped my snack of carrots and peas,
And ran back to my car with the greatest of ease.

The author who wrote this is half Japanese! 

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD 
© December 2014

Thursday, December 18, 2014


You get to a point in life where enough is enough,

No need to lie, no need to bluff.

Just let it be, just let it be known.

This is who I am, this is how I have grown.


Take your hot iron and beat out my impurities,

Spread me out to reveal insecurities.

<SI> Scott Izu
© December 2014

Wednesday, December 17, 2014


You drive me mad,

You drive me insane,

But just for a moment,

I'll hold the pain.


Pure unadulterated frustration,

As your words blow me away,

You seem oblivious to your notions,

Can you even hear what you say?


They trigger core hurts,

But in the depths of despair,

I will put them aside,

And just show you I care.


Absorbing angry misplaced words,

Water can clease the soul,

I do it only because you are human,

Brokeness can be made whole.

<SI> Scott Izu
© December 2014

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

The Crossroads

Here at the crossroads,

I face a choice,

To leave a world of slavery,

The only world I've ever known.


Ahead I see a bright future,

Of a king to serve many,

With treasures untold,

Along with freedom and peace.


It is time to take that step,

As scary as it seems,

To leave this forsaken place,

This well known wilderness.


Every life has a season.

And every season has a purpose.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Monday, December 15, 2014


I value free will.  The power to choose.  The power to not be controlled.  I wonder why I feel so strongly about this.

Danny, was my friend as a kid.  We played soccer together and always hung out together.  I knew Danny's father as just present.  Whenever I would visit, he wouldnt say much to me so I didnt think about him much.

Later, I would learn that Danny's father was an alcoholic who drank way too much.

Danny was the youngest of four boys, which is probably why I got along with him so well.

One day, when I was about eight years old, Danny and I were playing Sorry.  We were playing in the room on the laminate wooden floor, next to his bunk beds.

His older brothers were all wrestling around outside.  One of them came into the room and another was at the door.  The one who came in was Michael, if I remember correctly. I can't remember the names of the oldest two.

Michael was staring at his older brother and seemed to be completely ignoring us.  He was moving from side to side and I was trying to avoid getting trampled.  Danny was getting annoyed but didnt say anything.  Finally, Michael kicked the board, which seemed to be an accident because his focus was on his older brother.

Danny, immediately blurted out, "Get out you jerk!"  It was immediate.  It just came out through frustration.

"What did you say?", asked the older brother at the door.  "I said, 'Get out'"

"No, what did you call Michael?"

"I didn't call him anything."

Michael said, "He called me a jerk."

The older brother stepped in the room.  He had that stern look as if he was calculating some mastermind plot.  "Michael, are you going to let him talk to you like that?  Grab him", he said.  He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Dont interfere or you are next."

He was much older than me.  So part of me believed I should respect him.  I was more just stunned than anything, as what happened next just shocked me.

Michael grabbed Danny by the arms.  Danny tried to struggle free.  He was somewhat successful until Michaels older brother coached him further.  "Pin him on the ground."

It all happened so fast, but the next thing I knew, Danny's two older brothers were kneeling right next to Danny who was pinned on the floor by Michael.  I was standing at the point, retreated into the bunk beds.

Michaels older brother coached, "Put your knees on his shoulders."  At this point I was watching Michael kneeling on Danny, who started to scream for help and was crying.

I dont know why I just stood there.  Thinking back I could have ran out and gotten help or at least fought and sufferred whatever torment was to come together.

Before he could scream, Michael's older brother cupped his hands on his mouth.  I watched silently as tears streamed down Danny's face.  He was completely immobolized.  I watched as one older brother just sat and observed and as another older brother coached, "Cover his mouth."

I watched as Danny tried to bite Michaels hand.  It seemed he could only move his neck and the rest of him was paralyzed.

Michael did as he was told and quickly has his mouth capped.  He complained, "He licked me."  His older brother said, "Slap the spit on his face."

I watched as Michael would repeatedly slap Danny in the face and cover his mouth and slap him.  As tears continued to fall, he started turning red from the slapping.

Now I was scared.  It looked like Danny was choking amd he started coughing.  I blurted out, "He cant breath!"

Michaels older brother wisely replied, "If he can cry, he can breath."

He ordered Michael, "Cover just his mouth."

He ordered Danny, "Breath through your nose."

I cant even remember what was said.  There must have been taunting or instruction.  Eventually Danny was just still.  The fight in him had left.  He looked completely subdued.  His tears had stopped and all you could hear was a constant almost silent subtle whine.  I actually think he had no more tears in his eyes.  He had dried out completely.

Michaels older brother taunted, "Stop fake crying.  He's not really crying since he has no tears."

At that moment, we all heard the front door to the house open.  Michaels older brother commanded, "Lets go" and "You better not say anything or this will happen again."

And with that, they were gone.  As quickly as they had come, they had vanished.  All I could do was pretend that didnt happen.

Danny and I remained friends over the years but he was never the same after that.  I imagine that must have continued to happen, on the whim of his older brothers but I never asked him.  I didnt know what to say.

And as we hit high school, I would walk through the halls and see the lonely faces.  And I would say, "Hello."  It put a smile on peoples faces.  And every time I would pass Danny, he seemed to be sitting on the floor, by himself.  I didnt join him because I thought he enjoyed the solitude, but I would always smile and say, "Hello."

Scott Izu, PhD
© October 2014

This post was reposted from, originally written on October 27th, 2014.

A Proverbs 5 Plea

Her words are smoother than oil,

To her charms, I have no defense.

I am a willing victim, that falls at her feet.

She becomes my Godess, my idol, that fogs and occupies my mind.

Why, oh why, do I have no restraint?

Why, oh why, can I not just follow the teachings I have been taught?

I call out to my God, and the demons rouse back with mightier anger.

Who will help me stop this downward spiral?

Who will hear my plea?

I once wished to overcome my rejection, to gain enough power to defend myself.

But through mastery I became the predator.

And power became a curse.

For power in my untrained hands led straight to my own demise.

Straight to my own death.

Like a young child, I was reborn.

An orphan without a home, a foreigner in a strange land.

And from the great turn of events, the tables have turned.

And now, I have become the prey.

Like an ox to the slaughter.

Like a moth to the flame.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© October 2014

This post was reposted from, originally written on October 26th, 2014.

The Insecure Melancholy

I feel rejection everyday,

I understand isolation and abandonment dearly.


And when I see you suffer,

When your insecurities arise,

I want to wrap you in my arms,

And kiss your fears away.


How else can I help you to see,

How truly beautiful you are?

For words are just mere words.


And to a melancholic soul,

The opposing view becomes ingrained,

And to a kinesthetic soul,

The words have no affect.


Your affirmations lie in touch.


So let me touch you now,

In ways you've never known.

No objective and no goal,

Just an expansion of time,

Capturing each second.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Temper Tantrum

When you were just a baby girl,

You fell to the ground and told the world,

"I am not going to listen today."

"I just want to do it my way."


So I sat in the mall

And watched it all.

People walked by and each would stare,

They expressed no words to show they cared.


Patiently waiting for acceptance of reality,

Disappointments in life that you would see,

After an hour you finally got up,

Looked around and grabbed your stuff.


I wiped your clothes and wiped your face,

And we started to walk to our next place,

I reached for your hand and placed it in mine,

Learning with you is the most precious time.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Breaking Barriers

How does it feel to do it my way?

What is it that I have to say?

Here you go, come what may.

Here's how I feel day after day.

Everytime I try to go deep,

You cut me off before I speak,

Everytime my emotions seep,

You pull away, week after week.

What is it that makes you fear?

What pain inside do you hold dear?

Let go of it because I need to hear.

So its not the same year after year.

No need for fasad or facade,

No need to pretend how it was made,

Through storms you'll forever wade,

Bound together through the decades.

The Desire to Be Known

This earth, this place,

With its limited resources.

As children we fought for them,

Hurting each other in the process.

And as adults,

Supposedly healthy adults.

We hurt each other and even kids,

As we continue to fight.

We are so vulnerable and broken,

We can't even expose our needs.

A dark and desolate cave,

Protects our needs from cruelity.


Who will be the courageous soul,

Who journeys into the depths,

Fighting off their own demons,

Slaying the fear dragons?

Who will shed their own burdens,

Let go of their own boundaries,

To expose their inner being,

The requirements of intimacy.

Who will chart the course,

To make it to the final core,

I will leave tools, tips, and tricks,

And wait forevermore.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Addiction's Remorse

Dark and death abound me,

And when my soul surrounds me,

I struggle ever more.


Chains and fool convictions,

Adolescent willed addictions,

It shakes me to the core.


The Lord's wrath lies upon me,

As raging bulls have gone free,

I'm losing this old war.


Lack of admiration,

Grasping the sensation,

Nothing is a bore.


Give my soul this rest to keep,

Allow my soul to cry and weep,

Just don't close the door.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Baby Beluga

When you were just a girl,

You had your father go.

I took and baby sat you,

You're the daughter that I know.


I tried to be your hero,

To be your all and all,

But the demons would corrupt me,

And lead me to my fall.


It seems its ancient history,

Starburst wrappers on the floor,

You spilt Quik on the carpet,

And had energy galore.


Even as a baby,

Your talents beemed so bright,

Your loving joy affection,

Tucked me in to end the night.


I made a promise to your mother,

And I have let you down,

To know that I have hurt you,

Sorrow leads my soul to frown.


I had dreams for the future,

The relations of you and I,

When I think of your first prom,

It just makes me want to cry.


I hope in life you'll forgive me,

For all the mistakes I've made,

Remember both the good and bad,

In the choices I have played.


You always loved your turtles,

But you were my dolphin girl,

The one who sails the oceans,

The one who explores the world.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Friday, December 12, 2014

Life's Pedestal

If you were in a war,

With bullets flying,

And guns a blazin'

Would you take that step?

If it meant your saftey,

But one was left behind,

To suffer, bleed and die,

Would you take that step?

If they were left out in the cold,

Without a home,

So petrified,

Would you take that step?

If it meant you were warm,

And well fed,

While they hungered,

Would you take that step?

If you were offered treasures untold,

Love, peace and joy,

Life, hope and dreams,

Would you take that step?

If it meant they were shattered,

Broken and forgetten,

As you released their hand,

Would you take that step?


When words fly right at you,

You are numb to the pain.

When judgement falls on you,

Here comes all of the shame.

When change is expected,

You find you're still the same.

An unwilling player,

In someone else's game.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Heavy Burdens

Today, I found out,

I lost my job.

My heart so numb,

Too dead to throb.

The weight of the world

Feels on my shoulders.

And each year the world

Just gets even colder.

No one to turn to

I've been all alone.

To talk they're there

But just by phone.

I mean no one

To share this burden.

No one to cry with

And show I'm hurtin'.

I have forgotten joy,

I know only pain.

Like this for a while

I feel so insane.

I have four little mouths

That I have to feed.

Four little ones

That have that need.

I see the rain,

It continues to pour.

I look in the creek,

Then stare at the floor.

How I would love

To drown in that lake.

And end this misery

For my mind's sake.

But I have to stand up

No, I have to fight.

God help me make it,

To the end of the night.

I can't even talk

About my cancer.

I mean a few people know

But I struggle with answers.

So what do I do

but keep it to myself.

Ignore it, stuff it,

Place it on the shelf.

At least the tumor

It's in remission.

They say its inevitable,

But I keep wishin'.

I guess that is something

To be thankful for.

Faith for the rest,

That life has in store.

The Judge's Rebuttal and a Reply

Our relationship is broken,

And since we haven't spoken,

I thought I would mention the cures,

It's easy to see the fault is all yours.


>>> I am sorry I haven't been so open,

>>> But take this response as my token.

>>> Two empty wells come from two pours,

>>> One spout cannot drain two stores.


Nothing to do with me.

After all, how can it be?

I am perfect in every way.

You're the lying cheater who went astray.


>>> From guilt you are set free,

>>> Mending us is all I see.

>>> I am sorry I caused such dismay,

>>> I was very, very wrong that day.


You never listened to a thing I said,

I can tell by the actions you have led.

And I get along well with many others,

I even get along well with your brothers.


>>> Unheard you felt every night in bed,

>>> I should have acknowledged thoughts in my head.

>>> Defectively, I need to make my own covers.

>>> Can defective people change to make great lovers?


It must not be me but all of you,

Because if it is not on you then who?

If only you fit in this perfect box,

Our relationship wouldn't be on the rocks.


>>> All on me makes me feel blue,

>>> But there are places where I wish I grew.

>>> I am sorry for being the ugly duckling among the flocks,

>>> But perhaps our relationship failed due to lack of talks.


So until you have the decency to be better,

The last you hear from me will be this letter.

It is so easy to do what I suggest,

Isn't it obvious my way is best?


>>> Growth will come as I'm a go getter,

>>> But abandonment threats make my eyes grow wetter.

>>> Just as a color blind person fails a color test,

>>> I am sorry I don't see your truth before I invest.


Just look at those who walk this path,

Perfect lives avoid a burnt aftermath.

Can't you see you're such a failure,

Why would you even want to stay here?


>>> Making bad choices I will surely incur a wrath,

>>> But of the full picture that is only half.

>>> Many of my actions have failure near.

>>> Learning from my struggles I will face my fear.


I do everything and you don't even try,

Then you sit and wonder why,

I have left you again,

Alone with your sorrow and sin.


>>> I am grateful for your efforts as I learn to fly,

>>> I will grow to carry more as the years go by.

>>> Can this be where healings begin?

>>> Without our relationship who can win?

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

Soul Fighter

My spirit is wild and free,

Chained by my physicality,

Distraught emotional mentality.


A wild mustang charting its course,

Held by a life of regret and remorse,

The fastest is a broken horse.


I used to dream that I could fly,

Wake up just to wonder why,

Until I discover my soul will cry.


On this destitude and windy day,

Easily this heart can lose its way,

But right on course my soul will stay.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
© December 2014

The Night I'll Never Forget

Pain and agony,

Hours of weeping,

Distraught sounds,

Empty halls,

Sleepless night,

Uncomfortable rest,

I'm teary eyed,

My baby boy.

Lone Wolf

I am not like you.

I am not like them.

I fit in no where.

I am a lone wolf.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014


She breaks down my walls,

And I resist and resist,

Her tender charm works its way in,

Unraveling layer after layer.


And when I finally give in,

When I am finally vulnerable,

Ready to give her everything,

She leaves me alone.


Freezes me out,

Leaving me stuck,

In the silence of life,

And my passion creeps deeper still.


Torture and mayhem rule the world,

Chaos and insanity ignite the flames.

Touching Hands

Grabbing hands,

Running free,

Lavendar scent,

Open meadow.


Sun dress,

Beautiful smile,

Open arms,

Spinning joy.


Cozy blanket,

Calming touch,

Endless topics,

Core conversing.


Walking slow,

Gravel path,

Redwood fresh,

Hand holding.


Standing close,

Cold rock,

Soft Touch,

Warm embrace.

The Master's Puzzle

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

I am about to send you

Spirits into the world

But before I do

I lay out this puzzle before you.

It is infinite in every direction

More pieces than the sands of Earth

Or the stars in the heavens.

It represents your knowledge.

Before your trip,

I will remove many of your pieces.

What I remove will be unique

For each of you.

As you start your journey,

Your parents will have some pieces

Which they will give to you

And some you will have to find.

This will set the stage,

For your life's work

Because your search and growth,

Will be never ending.

I will also give you some pieces,

Which will be isolated,

And whose neighbors

Cannot be found through parents

So that you must seek mentors

And discover these pieces.

Some pieces I will make invisible.

Your family and community,

May see these pieces,

But no matter how hard you try,

You will not be able to.

You will live your entire life

Without these pieces.

This is so you learn to rely on others

And learn to trust,

Even when you don't understand.

And some pieces I will hold.

Certain ones I will give you,

At key points in your journey,

To help you and show you I am here.

Others I will withhold indefinitely

So you will learn to come to me

And trust me.

When you find pieces

I will give you joy.

Not pleasure but joy.

And your most joyous moments,

Will be when I give you pieces.

When a piece is within your grasp,

I will give you pain.

This is to heighten your senses.

So you are certain to find the piece.

And your most painful moments

Will be when I am calling you.

Because I need to give you a piece.

You will not understand why

At the time,

But if you accept this piece,

You may learn to understand why.

This is so you discover patience.

So go on your journey.

May life never be dull,

As you seek knowledge.

May you always be content,

With the pieces I have given you,

As they are a blessing.

May you never be complacent,

As I have left so much more for you,

To discover.

May you always have hope,

That you will continue to grow,

In wisdom and knowledge.

May you always have faith,

That my design is great,

And is motivated by love.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

No Strings Attatched

Am I the puppet in this play?

Which strings shall her hands pull today?

Fate put you and me together,

So controlled just like the weather.

And now I sit to lie in wait,

Just for my operating mate.

Desperate pleas to come to me,

Without my master I can't be.

Fruits of Focus

I am so depressed,
View of others is distressed,
God is hope dispensed

God's Canvas

You are a blessing,
I, the selfish butterfly,
You the selfless sky.

Difficult Child

You little shit,
I gave birth to you,
I fed you,
I housed you.
I taught you how to read,
Ran around restless for you,
I did everything for you,
And still you refused to listen to me.
You made your own decisions,
So don't blame me,
Don't place the responsibility on me,
Don't you dare direct anger my way.
No, I won't do it.
I lived too much of my life that way.
Life is too short.
I must protect myself.
Birthday cards for my mom,
She rejected,
Said real love from a child,
Would have created better.
I was trapped in the box,
Under the shadows,
Of a perfectionist judge,
And I vowed never to do it.
I hated my mom,
Never stood up to her,
And now I see her in you,
And I can't stand it.
At birth you tore my womb,
Killed a part of me,
It can't be revived,
And all I ask is kindness.
Why can't you be like the others?
Why so difficult?
Why so mean?
I am sorry but I have to leave.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Anticipating Love

Engine reved chest pumps,

Beats fast million drums,

Hummingbird hands flitter,

Cocaine mind her jitters,

Sonic jet high flying,

Champ might defying,

Solar heat warm bread,

Eagle strength fog head.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Seasons of Love

In the spring when we first met,

I was attracted to your unique perspective.

Your opposing characteristics,

I admired you so much.

In the summer when heat was high,

I saw the flaws for what they were.

Competing to perfect your imperfections,

I died an agonizing death.

In the fall when leaves brought new beauty,

I found depth in my own discovery.

Completed by your valued opinions,

Strengths covered weaknesses all around.

Lets start this winter and celebrate,

All the festivities that reflect the year.

Lets endure this journey together,

And enjoy our final season of love.


More important than helping,

Is that the other person feels helped.

More important that listening,

Is that the other person feels heard.

More important than understanding,

Is the other person feels understood.

More important than loving,

Is that the other person feels loved.

Sociopathic Chameleon

Sociopath, nerd, jerk, meathead,

These are the words people have said,

Labels hurt straight to the core,

Of my defectiveness, need I hear more?

It's the truth in them that hurts the most.

But I am a chameleon, just a simple ghost.

So what I realize is I am reflective glass,

Describing to them their painful past.

Cold Hard Steel

I have played around so much in this life,

Unprotected emotions of my wife,

Given others a sea of grief and strife,

Thrust into me this nullifying knife.

Misguided Authority

Gina always loved performance.  She saved my neck one time.  It was a middle school play.  We went to a local elementary school and I only had a few lines to say.

But as I stood on stage and stared at all the marveling faces, I froze.  I was so lucky I was paired with such a seasoned actress because she simply whispered my lines to me naturally as a reminder!  She had my part memorized too!  The awkward, clumsy kid I was, I actually didn't get the hint right away.  She had to repeat it twice to me.  The play went on and it was a success.  Afterwards, when we were back stage, she boasted slightly, teasing me that I needed help and she saved me.  I lied telling her I knew my lines all along.  My pride didn't ever allow me to thank her.

Gina had told me what had happened.  She would often stay after the other kids to get some extra training.  And he was good, he knew what he was talking about.  She became a better performer because of him.  She had overcome so many fears and her own slight stuttering issues because of him.

But one practice session, like any other practice session, he was working with her on her posture.  She was used to having her form molded.  He would push the shoulders back.  Place her feet at just the right positions.  This was all normal but for whatever reason, this day was different.

It started with a slight sensuous touch right down the spine of her back.  His words were, "This needs to be smooth".  He continued to explain how each part of the body told a story and together they needed to convey a congruent message.  His double closed fists spread out to flat palms facing downward as he emphasized the word "message".

The session continued as he went back to his seat, looking up at her.  They continued to go through lines.  "Stop, stop, stop," he said and he walked back up to her standing there.

Gina used to always wear short shorts.  I don't know why but it was actually something people identified her with.  Perhaps, she wish she hadn't that day.

"Your legs are all wrong."  He continued to expand on his theory of the body being one fluid piece where all the parts needed to be flowing.  "All the way, from here to here."  He slid his hand so high up, she felt as if he was inside her shorts even though wasn't.  And she had never been touched that high up her leg by another person.

When Gina was telling me, she said she felt a sexual tingling.  She just froze.  Perhaps it was that it was unexpected.  Perhaps she didn't want to let her coach down because she looked up to him so much.  Perhaps, she sought so badly his affirmation because she did not have the affirmation of her father.

As Gina continued to tell me, she said that he had taken off her shorts and ...  She could not even continue at this point and I never found out the details of what followed.  I just sat across from her and watched her cry.  I did not know what to do.  Should I hug her?  Should I tell someone?  Should I, should I, should I.  But I was just a kid.  I had no clue what to say to her or how to help her.

About a month later, we found ourselves sitting together again, talking.  Everything at the school had changed.  The rumors flew around.  Gina actually told me, she wished she never opened her mouth in the first place.  She wished things were just as before.  She missed her coaching sessions.  He was like a father to her.  The father she never had.  And by opening her mouth, she lost him, someone she cared about.  She even defended him as a misguided sensitive man who made a mistake.  Tears would flow as she spoke but she seemed so clear in her words.

Gina and I lost our friendship as life took us to different high schools.  To this day, I am saddened by everything that happened.  It is crazy to know that a single moment can overturn a lifetime of work.  In a sense, her courage and words allowed me to find my own voice.  And because of that, I thank her for her bravery.

Master Chef

I don't understand, I don't understand

How I got to this place

My soft and gooey batter

Lies on a cookie sheet


Years and years of intentional training

The intuition of not needing to follow a recipe

Every detail covered by subconscious notion

A unique perspective that cannot be taught


The oven is preheated perfectly

The solidification of my once separate pieces

Soft gloved hands remove me with gentleness

Ready to finalize the purposeful creation


Teach me how to grieve the loss

Without the trauma of feeling abandoned

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Excavating Rebar

What's this?

52 days you say?

Since your heart,

You threw my way?


From the counter,

You have made,

Words versus heart,

Is plain as day.


A hopeful secret

Echoes between

Each syllable

As you dream


Fair lady, vulnerable power, water absorbs, shattered glass

Future keys, facing fears, breaking barriers, unearthed past

Inspired by

Lullaby of Weeping

All alone, a crowded room,

All alone amongst my friends,

Retreat home the solo knight,

And my head hits the pillow.

It's then the outburst begins,

As a violent weeping,

Snuffled by the bed's covers

Or anything I can grab.

Face leaks a fluid mixture,

Uncontrolled disgustingness,

By my will it can't be stopped,

Lullaby puts me to sleep.

The Drunkard's Rescue

Drunk in a bar,

To numb the pain,

To numb the pain,

I go insane.

The steps I've made,

The past I have,

A drunk at last,

To this I am.

Somber rescue,

Can it be?

Someone rescue,

Rescue me.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Doubted Change

For over a dozens years I waited for you,

Patiently waiting, asking for change,

You never heard me, you never cared,

I died inside and lost all hope.

Desperation found an unconventional path,

To free myself, become free at last.

But now you see the need for change.

Estrangement is the word that comes to mind,

To see what I finally wanted this whole time.

And now, I don't even believe this is you.

After all, how could I?

Can a few weeks change what a lifetime has set?

But I am dying to see.

Or maybe more accurately,

My shocked corpse has risen from the dead just to watch.


Speaking above you as if you were not there,

I am sorry to not have acknowledged my dear,

When emotions fly,

I wonder why,

Even I,

Am overwhelmed by the anger as you cry.

Thin ice topics are not approachable,

So the burden is carried as a whole,

To not speak up or be heard,

No one to listen to your word.

I see Bloody Mary in the midst,

Don't tell me she does not exist.

I don't need someone to deny,

What I feel and tell me why.

I don't need your logical dread,

Convincing me its in my head.

I don't need agreement or you to understand,

Just take a walk into my land.

Tell me that its okay to feel,

And ask me what I see as real.

Allow me to unearth the pain,

Before you jump on your defensive train.

Let me explore my roots in my own time,

Before your fix runs over mine.

Just stop a second to explore,

And worthy I'll feel forever more.

Moments of Treasure

I live for love,

I love this stuff.

And when I have it,

It's not enough.


Can't I keep this

As a simple crush?

Or is my heart

Too much to hush?


A flood of emotions,

From a single touch.

My love, my drug,

It makes me blush.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Midnight Blue

Every night I wait for you,

Staring at the midnight blue.

Gazing at the stars above,

Thinking of my lonely love.

Will we ever cross our paths?

Will we ever share our laughs?

Or is destiny a gloomy view,

For this fatally flawed fainted few?

Remember Love

Mirages from the Desert

The dark doth not dispel,

For your words can not compel.

Each precious morsel you leave behind,

Keeps my soul trapped and in a bind.

Even the crumbs from the table,

Forever played words from a fable.

Shall this fade as seasons pass?

Shall my heart be free at last?

What is real and what is fake?

What mirages do my maker make?

The Love Dove

You once asked me,

If I was in love with the idea of love.

Your words always challenged me,

As if direct from heaven above.

Your beauty, your grace,

Come here my pleasant dove.

Let our lips embrace once more,

Fit together like a glove.

Knock Knock

I wake up every morning,

And I look outside my home,

Vacancy is waiting,

And my heart begins to moan.

My body ages with contempt,

Every joint leaks out a groan.

Trees are ever present,

But their leaves have not been blown.

Wings are formed perfection,

But their riders haven't flown.

Why don't you come and visit?

Don't you know I'm all alone?

Just stop but for a moment,

Just make your wishes known.

I step back from the window,

Step back right into my zone.

My online presence opens,

And my fingers start to roam.

The Linked In Gmails haunt me,

I Face stalk you on my phone,

My mind decays a numbing process,

I've turned into a drone.

I open up the chest compartment,

This old heart's become a stone.

A Warriors Journey

A warrior is gone for a season,

Sorrow fills from heart's treason,

Continue building for return's reason,

A spark of hope seems only teasin'.

But autumn leaves will fall again,

Time will heal and begin to mend,

Cupid's arrow, he will send,

Two become one in the end.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Shut Down

She wraps circles around me,

With her words

And everytime her speech occurs

My voice trembles and it slurs

So I start to go insane,

Cause all I feel is pain,

But in the end,

Only I am left to blame.


The madness and the rage,

The lion and the cage,

He runs around,

Like a rabbit chasing sage.

Either I touch and gain

The guilt and shame,

Or I let die and tame,

This expanding flame.

And spend crying years,

As I collect the tears,

And leave this heart

To face its fears.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Missing Twilight

I miss you.

I miss our drives around the world,

The way you float across the ocean.

I miss our deep conversations,

That only scratch the surface,

Of the seemingly untouched, never ending abyss.

I miss the comfort of companionship,

A fellow fighter in this universe,

One who dares to stand against,

The overwhelming sea of mediocrity.

I miss the moonlight under our breath,

The hours spent star gazing and soul searching.

I miss you holding back the tides of emotion,

As you strive to save a single starfish.

I miss the ship wreck as we sailed into the iceberg,

And running across the sand to the saftey of a warm lit fire.

I miss you.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Frozen in a Dream

Time stands still when I am not with you,

The yellow fluttering leaves become a trance,

A single season of sorrow,

And at every corner, every turn,

I see you.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Breaking Dawn - The Twilight Trilogy

Feast Before Famine

Dinner for two,

A sunset stolen,

A walk to remember,

Swing sets of adolescence,

The fortress of a starry night,

Waves crashing,

Flittering autumn leaves.

Two midnight icicles.

Eight hours like a flash.

Fill my heart,

For I must hibernate,

For another twenty more years.

Midnights of Madness

Midnights of madness,

You held me in your arms,

All of my passion,

And all of your charms.

Why don't you come back to me,

I'll show you the way.

La da dee da da,

I'd just wished you would stay.

Friday, November 28, 2014

The Irony of Truth

If I put truth on the page,

You would never believe me.

But ...

If I put truth in a lie,

It would serve to deceive thee.


I am not in love with you,

I am obsessed with you.

My imagination stirs wild,

With the endless possibilities.

As I forcefully push you against the wall,

A warm embrace, holding tender hands.

I stalk you for hours on end,

On Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

Your last Twitter message replays in my mind,

It haunts me and begs me to reply.

A million replies, a million words circle through my mind,

A message of anger or compassion or love.

Anxiety builds and the pressure behind the dam grows,

And it is only a matter of time.

Restraint and self discipline,

Are no match for such an addiction.

For the world’s sake,

I must replace this obsession.

A Tale of the Nerd and the Bully

I met Mike when I was in six grade. He was in eighth grade at the time and a friend of my older brother. We both went to the same middle school together and lived right down the street from each other.

As a middle school kid, I was more than just a little awkward. I had glasses, braces and played chess.  The classic, Nerd. My personal brand involved being the youngest kid in eighth grade math and performing impressions of Steve Urkel, a well-known Nerd from a television series.

I thought Mike was generally a safe person. He never said anything to me at school. After school, he would always pretend that he was my friend. He would convince me that he would be nicer to me. I always forgave him and decided to give him another shot. But time and time again, he would pester me with his words and continuously make fun of me. Day after day, I dealt with the teasing as I walked home.

Back then, I had a backpack full of textbooks. People probably wondered how a kid so small could carry a backpack that looked so big. Like an ant carrying one hundred times its weight. But the real burden was carrying the emotional weight from his oppressive comments.

Each day, I would try to escape his wrath. Some days, I would escape to the haven of a close friend’s house, begging him to let me stay a few hours and then asking his mother to drive me home. Other days, I would take different routes, to try to avoid Mike. But most days, he would find me. Jump out of the bushes and scare the living day light out of me. Slug me in the arm jokingly.

At the end of our street, there is a house with a green hedge surrounding their lawn. This hedge has always been perfectly cut, creating a square shaped tube around the front yard.

One day, Mike asked me to stand in front of the hedge. He told me, he would never bother me again if I just stood there. I didn’t know what he was going to do, but naively, I decided to comply. Mike rushed at me, lowered his shoulder and struck me right in the chest. As his body pounded into me, I flew backwards over the hedge. I landed on my backpack full of books and the wind was knocked out of me. I started to crying.

Mike seemed shocked. He might have actually been compassionate. Or he might have just been worried that I might need to see a doctor. Surprisingly, that was actually the last time Mike ever bullied me. He did keep his promise.

A few years later, I shot up to my 6’ 2” status and saw him roaming the halls from time to time in high school. I had many opportunities to pommel him into the ground for harassing a kid that couldn't protect himself. But I didn't.  I decided revenge could never get me anywhere. Surprisingly, I felt no ill feelings toward him and just looked at him as something from an ancient past.

Years later, I would see an overbearing boss grilling a defenseless employee with his words. I saw the employee’s body shrink in confidence with each word uttered. In plain sight and public view, when no one else would say anything, I walked straight up to the boss. I told him, he had no right to be yelling at the other employee in public. His criticism could only be taken as humiliating and demeaning in this context. I let him know that if he had anything further to say, he could escort the other employee to a private area and complete the conversation there.

I was soon fired. But in my lifetime, that is probably one of my proudest moments. I have always been grateful to the bully who picked on me. Not because it broke my confidence. Not because it led to a low self esteem. Not because years later, the term “Geek” or “Nerd” would still strike directly at my core. But because it caused me to learn how to have grace with others. To be sensitive to their hurts. And in the end, I guess I decided to get my real revenge by protecting the weak.


I do my own thing,

And strive to be the best I can be,

My light makes people uncomfortable,

And makes them feel judged,

As they feel the weight of my personal standards.

I love being hypocritical,

Emphasizing the standards which are beyond my reach,

But never allowing the acceptance of reality,

To taint or ruin my idealistic nature.

I hate seeing people avoid their potential,

As if they were completely oblivious to how special they are.

In each person, I see a unique gift that surpasses the entire universe.

And I let the disappointment build barriers, to allow myself the space to grow.

And the barrier grows as I see others as complacent and stagnant.

And they see me as compulsive and unstable.

But being alone,

I can never fully hit my own potential,

Or find my blind spots which are so clear to others.

Or experience the power and capability of a well performing team.

Or the beauty and love of a growing community.

So in my quest for companions,

I have discovered my darkness is hated by them,

And my sentimental nature feels the full weight of their rejection.

And so I remain, just independent.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014


You took my heart,

So open and vulnerable,

And you crushed it.

The pain begins in my heart,

And bleeds through my tears,

How could you be so cruel?

I feel so overwhelmed,

That being a puppet so easily controlled,

Would not be a stretch.

Though I know it a lie,

I would believe a million lies before I face the one reality,

Now I am left with the tangled web of emotions,

Each slightly different,

Like a thousand drops of rain,

Each with its own weight,

Each with a history of a thousand years,

And a distant past.

Let this weight not overtake me,

Let me turn into water and absorb it,

So that it may cleanse my soul,

And refresh my being,

And someday, make me stronger.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Love's Balance

Keep falsehood and lies far from me,

Give me neither poverty nor riches,

Keep me from both total isolation and poularity,

From complete boredom and sensation overload,

Neither numbness nor excrutiating pain,

Let me not be complacent nor successful,

Free me from hopelessness and over optimistic anticipation,

So that I may know the source of love.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Cold, Tired and Thirsty

When you are freezing,

Any warmth looks promising,

When you are exhausted,

Any bed will do.

When you are dying of thirst,

Even poison becomes drinkable.

The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

He despises rape and molestors,

He is devastated when he sees women isolated and abandoned,

He is disgusted by the two minutes the average man takes,

No care for human rights,

No consideration of the other person's feelings,

No capacity to develop deep intimacy,

On the surface, this makes him a sheep.

The belief that he can bring healing to a lifetime of pain through intimacy,

The belief that it is his responsibility to fix these burdens of the world,

The belief that he understands what people really need.

But the hurts and pain are deep rooted,

And the heart is so deceitful,

And he is not healed from his own rejection, abandonment and molestation.

That is what makes him the wolf.

What Hurts The Most

Saturday, November 22, 2014

The Outcast, The Rebel

One day, a new kid came to Ruskin. I decided to befriend him, knowing that he was probably scared to be in a new environment and school. His name was Nick.

When walking home from school with Nick, we were chatting like everything was normal. I was getting to know him and learn of his background.

One of my older brother’s friends came up to us as we were walking and joined us. I don’t remember the name of my older brother’s friend but I do remember that we used to say he lived in a mansion. Most likely he just lived in a large house, but I never had visited his house, so I never knew if it was true or just kids exaggerating.

Then, a kid riding a bike started approaching us. Out of nowhere, Nick jumped off the side walk onto the street and kicked the bike really hard. The bike toppled over and the kid was left scuffed and hurt. I did not know why Nick did that or whether he even knew the other kid. As the kid managed to regain his composure and quickly try to leave, my older brother’s friend said, “That was messed up.”

As my friendship grew with Nick, I discovered that these types of compulsive behaviors were not uncommon for him. He lived in a corner house right next to the creek. Since the house was only a few houses away from my house, I started to spend quite a bit of time with him. I discovered that Nick lived with his mother, a single parent and that Nick often was alone, since she was working.

Nick showed me lots of cool things. He once doused his hands with rubbing alcohol and lit his hands on fire in the bathroom. I was shocked. He also showed me a picture of a Playboy centerfold. It was a page ripped out from the magazine, but it fascinated me. We hid the picture outside the house, in a secret compartment used for cleaning his chimney. Sometimes, I would go to look at this picture briefly on my way to school.

Nick was everything I wasn’t. He was fearless and seemed to have no care in the world. No boundaries. In a sense, I felt protected when I was with him. He never seemed to turn his aggression towards me, probably because he saw me as an admirer. So we had a strange symbiotic relationship. He would keep me safe from bullies and I gave him the affirmation of a follower, long before Facebook would capitalize on the concept.

Then, one day, things changed.

Since Nick lived on a corner house, there were four corner houses that faced each other. An Indian family lived on an opposite corner. As Nick and I were playing, he started randomly yelling at the woman across the street. It was my first real experience with racial hatred. One of the things he told the woman was to go back to where she came from. He also criticized her English speaking abilities. Watching this, I was confused. I wondered if I was supposed to hate Indian people just because they were Indian. At the same time, I felt sad for the woman, because I felt she didn’t do anything to us and was just minding her own business. Even more surprising, I felt sad for my friend because he was so full of hatred and anger.

That very same day, Nick and I walked to my house. It must have been a Saturday, because my dad was in the front yard, fixing the flower bed in front of our house. When Nick saw my Japanese father, he started yelling at him too! I couldn’t believe it. I had never heard the word “Jap” before. I thought my father was going to kill this kid. But my father was calm and patient. It was as if my father had experienced this many times before. Like water, he absorbed the hateful remarks and seemed to realize Nick was just a kid and the hatred must have been built into him from his environment. My father never talked to me about this incident. It was as if it never happened. I didn’t know how to process all these things that had just happened to me.

A few days later, Nick and I went to the creek behind our house. I don’t know why I even decided to still hang out with him. Maybe I thought I could forgive him for attacking my dad. Maybe I thought I could save him from his hatred through our friendship. I don’t know.

As kids, we used to always walk through the creek as a shortcut to go to Ruskin. The creek was like the highway for the kids in the neighborhood with exits at both Ruskin elementary school and Piedmont Hills high school.

It was not uncommon for us kids to play with the tadpoles in one season and watch over time as they grew into frogs. And this day, Nick and I set out to catch some frogs. I can barely remember the incident. I can barely remember what he said to me. But for the first time, in the entire time we were friends, he started yelling at me and calling me names. I don’t know how it happened but I picked up a rock from the creek and slammed him in the face. I don’t know if I was protecting myself or if I was retaliating for how he attacked my dad.

But I didn’t stop. I hit him again and again and again. I wanted to make sure that nothing negative ever came out of that mouth again. And when I finally stopped out of exhaustion, Nick wasn’t moving. He was laying on the ground underneath me. Reality kicked in. What had I just done? What would happen to my family?

I didn’t know what else to do, but I rolled Nick’s body over a few feet and watched as his body rolled down from the top of the creek straight to the bottom. His body fell into a shallow pool of water below. Then, I dug a hole at the top of the creek and kicked an avalanche of dirt down the hill. I dug and I dug and I dug until the whole pool of water was covered with dirt.

I knew that Nick would eventually be found. I knew that my life would forever be changed. So all I could do was run home. At home, everything turned to slow motion. I have never experienced a longer day in my life. And that night, I waited. I waited for something. I waited for anything. A question about where I was all day. A question about whether I had seen Nick. I must have stayed awake the whole night, as my heart and mind raced wondering when everything would be brought to light.

But somehow a day passed. Then, a week. Then, a month. I would pass by Nick’s house on the way to school. No one asked about him. There were no police cars, no search parties, no press clippings featuring his mother on the front page. I didn’t understand it. Looking back, perhaps people thought Nick had run away. I still don’t know.

By the end of the school year, Nick’s mother had moved away. I never saw Nick’s mother again. I don’t understand how Nick’s body was never found.

Or perhaps it was. Perhaps it became a week long investigation that was shoved under the rug and wrapped up as a violent gang crime. Perhaps reality was right in front of people’s eyes but they refused to face it. After all, the neighborhood and school district were so pleasant. Who would want to tarnish that reputation?

To this day, I am shocked at how time has erased Nick’s existence from the world. But I still remember.

Leaving the Womb

I stood in heaven,

In the presence of God,

An armed warrior ready for battle,

So prepped and ready to go,

I thought I would be one of Earth's greatest warriors.

Why would I not want to enter the battle below?

And in an instant, I forgot everything.

Comfortably laying in the belly of my mother.

I was warm and knew nothing of hunger or pain.

Time pressed on until one day,

I left my mother's womb and entered the world.

The cold and suffering immediately hit me.

Lost and alone, with no purpose or meaning.

I would cry for hours and vaguely heard the words of my mother,

"Just let him cry himself to sleep."

Why would I have ever wanted to enter the world?

And then school came.

The classroom was organized and structured,

With ample protection from the authorities.

But recess was chaotic and crazy.

With girls and bullies, both equally frightening.

I was scared to go into the school yard.

So I caused mischief and as punishment was forced to stay inside.

Why would I have ever wanted to leave the safety of the classroom?

Soon after came my senior year.

I had finally found comfort.

I was not ready to begin the journey.

I was not done solidifying my bonds on the home front.

But I was kicked out.

Forced to find a way in the world.

Why would I have ever wanted to leave the security I had discovered?

For so long, I feared the world.

For so long, I fought the reality.

For so long, the sword had sat rusting and forgotten.

Until one day, I finally remembered.

The Girl I Never Knew

I grew up with Amy. She lived down the street from me on Ione Lane out in San Jose. She was my first love, albeit it was only puppy love. Everyday as I came home from school, I would sneak out of my packed house to go see her. Amy was an only child and seemed to have great parents, although I never really saw them as a family unit. We used to love hiding under the bed together and it seemed like we could play for hours together. All I remember was that I was completely drawn to her.

Then, one day, Amy's family just upped and moved away. I never got to find out why life would take one of the greatest relationships away from me at such a young age. It wasn't until years later that I found out the truth about Amy.

The truth was that she lived with her divorced mother who had remarried. The whole time I knew her as a child, Amy was being molested by her step father. According to Amy, her mother knew what was happening but never did anything to protect her child. In fact, her mother seemed to grow bitter and angry, rather than comforting.

When Amy was 17 she finally moved out of her house. She never figured out why life would put her in the situation it did. She had no control over her upbringing and she was forced to go through what seemed like many lifetimes, always on guard and afraid. To live knowing that she was defiled, that she was wrong, that she would never be made complete again.

This feeling drove Amy with guilt and resentment, a need to purify herself, to perfect the injustice that occurred to her. To prove her self worth, she focused on achievement. Outside, Amy seemed like the perfect girl. She did well in school and was driven. She attended church regularly and seemed to be involved in every ministry.

But Amy continued to feel a void in her life. She decided to start dating. It was not hard for Amy to meet men because she had never really gotten along with other girls. All her friends seemed to be men. For several years, she dated on and off, looking for something special. And then Amy met Edward.

Edward was an amazing man. He was bold and fearless. He was beautiful. He was popular. It seemed like Edward could just light up a room with his conversations and as Edward would speak, Amy would just watch and fall more and more in love with him. She had never felt such an intense desire to be with someone. To be near him. To be with him.

But things changed. As life seemed to take Amy back into reality, she realized the relationship with Edward was not what she had envisioned. She enjoyed his company and wanted to talk, to go beyond the superficial but he never did. She wanted to save herself for marriage, to keep herself pure, but Edward wasn't on the same page. Then, one evening everything changed.

Amy and Edward were sitting in the living room chatting. The room was tense and filled with a silence that seemed to echo across the walls. Amy was confused and tried to drag Edward out. To understand him. To feel what he was feeling. She wanted to be near him, to help him, to stay connected with him. But the awkward moments seemed to just continue throughout the night. The walls stayed up. "Where did my Edward go?" Amy thought. She knew she was in love with him but he didn't seem to be in love with her.

Amy walked over to Edward and sat next to him. "I love you," she said. She leaned over to kiss him and he kissed her back. For a moment, the old spark seemed to ignite but as things started to become more intense and Edward began to grab Amy, she stopped his hands from their exploration of uncharted territory. Frustrated, Edward stopped. He looked at her, echoing the words that seem to haunt Amy to this day, "Look, if you aren't ever going to have sex with me, why are we even together?"

Amy didn't know how to react. She didn't feel loved, she felt like a piece of meat. Something to be tossed to the side. But she couldn't control her heart. She was in love. "Edward, you know how I feel," she stated. "I am thinking about the long term, I am thinking about us." His eyes seemed to glaze over, and she knew he wasn't listening. "Look," Edward said, "I am cheating on you. I met another woman, who is willing to give me the physical affection that I need." Amy was shocked. She didn't know how to react. All she could do was sit there in silence. "I think we need to break up," Edward continued. Amy couldn't remember anything after those words. It may have been a few hours or it could have been two minutes. But that night, Edward walked out of Amy's life forever.

Amy was heart broken. All of her feeling's of inadequacy came flooding back to her. She felt this gut wrenching pain in her stomach. A knot so deep. A physical pain so strong, she sometimes couldn't breath. "Was I not good enough?" "Was I not beautiful enough?", she asked herself.

Amy's pain only caused her to go deeper into her spiritual walk. She learned to retreat into the safety of God's arms. Two years passed before Amy decided to date again. She promised herself that she would never love someone as much as they loved her. That she would be strong and never allow herself to be hurt again.

A few years later, Amy met Tom. Tom was madly in love with Amy and Amy felt safe with him. They started their family together. Her children and their comfortable life seemed to give Amy the atmosphere she needed to heal from her childhood wounds. To heal from her broken heart. She felt secure in Tom's love.

Fifteen years passed, when Amy finally realized something was missing in her life. She seemed to have everything that she had dreamed. She had a great husband, beautiful kids. A happy wonderful life. But something was missing. Out of a series of somewhat coincidental events, Amy and I finally met again.

Our shared history started the connection. And we built from there. At first, we just exchanged messages to each other from time to time. But over time, we started connecting more and more. Then, we started seeing each other. We would steal time throughout the day and night, any free moment that came available in our busy lives. I was not naive. I knew the relationship between Amy and I was unhealthy, for both Amy and myself. It was a ticking time bomb waiting to happen.

I knew I had to do something drastic to break this cycle. To break this pattern. Before Amy did something she would regret. One night, Amy and I were hiking. We found a resting point along the trail. I told Amy, "There is something I need to tell you."

Hesitant, Amy, said, "Okay, I am listening."

"But I need to ask you a favor. I need you to actually listen to what I am about to tell you. I need you to consider the words that I am about to speak. You will want to fight what I have to say and what I am about to say will be hard to tell you."

"Okay," Amy said.

"And I have another favor to ask you." I started to take off my clothes.

"What are you doing? Stop," She said.

"No," I replied, "What I am about to say, will be hard to hear, and I want you to know that I am not a threat. That as I speak, you are in complete control. I promise that I will not make a pass at you. And I promise you will want to hear what I have to say."

Everything in Amy told her that this was crazy. That this should not be happening. But for whatever reason, perhaps curiosity, she stayed sitting. She couldn't even look at me, as I sat kneeling on the ground, completely exposed. Naked and vulnerable.

"Amy, I am going to offer you my perspective. I have to tell you ahead of time that it will not all be true. But I have to tell you that there will be some truth in what I am about to tell you. Please, let me finish my thoughts, and say what I need to say."

"Okay," was all Amy could muster.

"Amy, you are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. Everything about you is captivating. From your smile, to your beautiful eyes, to your soft and kind and wonderful heart. But I don't want you to see you as I see you. I want you to see you as God sees you."

"When you were young, the man who molested you. I can't imagine the pain that must have caused you. The insecurities, the years of counseling. Never feeling safe. But I think that God provides everything in our life for a reason. Pain can be the pathway to growth. And perhaps, what he was trying to say, through this, was that while man can defile your physical body, and you may have no control over that, only you can defile your spiritual being. And you do have control over that. Sometimes in life, what we can't control causes so much pain. I think it is supposed to point us back to what we can control."

"And your mother, out of her own brokenness, her own insecurities, the belief that she was not good enough for a good man. She allowed this to happen because she truly believed that she would never find another man. Her brokenness from her divorce. And she grew bitter and angry towards you because you would serve as an ever present reminder of her limiting belief. Every time she looked at you, she would be reminded that she allowed you to be hurt, just so she could bandage her own hurts. She would be reminded of being left through her divorce. Out of self preservation, she blamed you for everything."

"But you are not to blame. You are worth so much more. You are one of God's greatest gifts to this world. And sometimes we see our own brokenness, and knowing that we fall short, we sabotage our own success. We have a desire to be punished because deep down we know we are no good, that an evil lives within us. And you may have questioned your own value, day in and day out, wondering why your boyfriend, Edward, cheated on you and broke your heart. But I want to tell you, it was your beauty, your great spirit, the image of God in you. It served as a mirror reflection, like a bright flashlight, shining on his own imperfections, his own weaknesses. A daily reminder, that deep down, out of guilt and shame, he knew he didn't deserve you. It was not your inadequacy that caused him to cheat. It was the overwhelmingly pure heart that you have, despite what you have gone through, that he just couldn't accept into his life, because of his own brokenness."

"You are captivating. I have never met a woman so captivating. But deep down, your boyfriend believed that he would never have the happy ending. It caused an anxiety to build up, that he just could not hold up anymore. So he engaged in self destructive behavior, to prove through a self fulfilling prophesy that he would lose you."

"So, where does that leave you today. Today, fifteen years trying to mend a broken heart. You are now torn. Part of you wishes you had more courage when you were young. That you would have sought after your true love. And now, you feel you will never have that opportunity again and it saddens you. I represent the boyfriend that you never had. The love that you let get away in your life, because you were afraid to love. Because you were afraid to give it your all. I represent the made up image of what true love looks like. That somehow, in winning my favor and my heart, you will prove to yourself that you could have had the best of both worlds. That you actually deserve true love."

"But I want you to know. You can have me. I am a no good nothing from nowhere and you would be the most beautiful woman I have ever been intimate with. But for you, it would be chasing a false reality. The truth is that the heart is deceitful. And you deserve so much more that what I can give you."

"You are missing something though. The rift in your heart has caused love diversification. You once gave your heart, gave everything to one man only to have it destroyed. Because of that, you have a layer of protection surrounding your heart. You won't go deeper. You are afraid to love again. So you diversify. You have one aspect of love with Tom, representing a family love, a love of commitment. And rather that put all your eggs into a single basket, you grab the other aspects of love from other sources. Me, for instance. Rather than opening your heart in your marriage to receive the love that is already there. To find the passionate love, that is there, you have placed your marriage into a box, where there is only secure love."

"To be with you, would be to take the greater gift of what God had intended for you. To take the plan, he, the patient God that he is, had orchestrated through 40 years of life to give you. The gift, that without your past, he could not deliver to you. What you are searching for is not outside your marriage. It is not even within your marriage. What you are seeking, is within you. It has been within you this whole time."

"It is even greater than the love you had for your boyfriend. You have an opportunity to find a new love that includes the passionate love. But at the same time, it introduces a new element of sacrificial love, a vulnerable love. See, the love you had for your boyfriend, Edward, was given without knowing how deeply you could get hurt. If you knew ahead of time, you would have protected yourself. But today, you have a choice. You have a choice to love, in a truer sense. To love like you're not scared."

Amy sat there in silence. I never knew if she allowed herself to experience the kind of love I was talking about. Or if she even understood what I was trying to tell her. All I know, was that in that instance, I was allowed to love. And that was the last time I ever saw Amy again.

This post was reposted from, originally written on September 25th, 2014.