Thursday, November 26, 2015

What is a man?

What is a man?

Is it when I am watching others play sports on TV?

Because I feel invigorated

Yet, I am simply a bystander

Not even living my life

But rather, cheering on someone else's successes

Or is it when I am with a different woman each night of the week?

And each is going down on me

Cause I sure feel like a man then

Full of life and passion

Hunting to fill the void like food fills an insatiable hunger

Or is it when I beat the woman I love?

And she is crying and in tears

Sprawled across the floor

Cause I feel dominant and powerful

Yet somehow feel like a pussy

Or is it when I crouch my shoulders and lower voice?

So that I don't intimidate others

And I focus on making sure they are comfortable

Not aware of the dangers I hold

Is a man that lone wolf?

The wolverine who climbs the highest of mountain peaks

And yells from the top of his lungs

As the adrenaline cascades through his lips

Making his presence known to the world in solitude


Somewhere in there, deep inside, are the seedlings of a man

Squashed by jeans made to keep it out of sight

Domesticated by teachers who needed to keep him in line

Ignored by a father and emasculated by a mother

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright November 2015

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Attention and Affirmation

A boy's first desire for attention is aimed at his mother

He fights his father

Then, he desires the attention of his sisters

And fights his brothers

Then, he desires the attention of potential girl friends

Fighting his friends


A boy's first desire for affirmation is aimed at his father

A battle he must eventually win

Then, he desires the affirmation of his friends

As talents bloom

And finally, the affirmation of the community

As manhood emerges


Without the seeds of attention, a man will never find the passion of his soul.

Without the seeds of affirmation, a man will never embrace the strength of his inner warrior.


<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright November 2015

Monday, November 23, 2015

The 90 Day Challenge

Mindy was frustrated.  Years of bitterness grew in her heart.  Years of resentment waiting for the dead soul of a man to revive.  Yet, the harder she pushed, the more distant he became.  The harder she fought, the colder he grew.

She knew the answers.  She knew the problems.  They leaked out of her mouth every time her wounds were stabbed.  Every time she was triggered.  Every time the emotional burdens overflowed from her insides, boiled up and released through her pressure value.  Out came the venom.  Out came the nagging.

Mindy hated who she had become.  She did not get in this relationship to become the mother to a grown man who refused to mature.  Who refused to handle his responsibilities.  Who refused to carry his side of the family.

Mindy would go to her friends and bash her husband every chance she got.  She wasn't aware of it, but her friends were.  Her friends had different responses.  "Me too."  "Men... typical."  "It will change sweetie.  Just be patient with him."  "When are you going to finally dump that dead weight?"

One day, Mindy heard something from a friend.  A challenge.  A 90 day challenge.  Not another one of these Mindy thought.  But for whatever reason, something within her told her that perhaps she would try this challenge.  The challenge was simple.  Every morning, write down 3 things that she was thankful for that her husband did.  Mindy, laughed.  This was going to be difficult.

I guess he works.  He is here and hasn't abandoned me.  He hasn't cheated on me.  At least I don't think he has.  That jerk, he probably has. That's probably why he is so cold to me.  He probably is texting that x-girlfriend of his.

Sigh, Mindy thought.  Day one complete.

For the first few days, it was hard to find something to be grateful for that her husband did.  She actually had to spend most of the day trying to figure out what she would write the next day.

Mindy was tired of being let down.  Her whole life she had been let down.  She decided she was never going to allow herself to be hurt again.  She would never allow herself to be that vulnerable.

By the time day ten came around, it was actually easier for Mindy to come up with things.

I am grateful for the burdens he carries that I do not even see.  I am grateful for his willingness to stay with me despite my terrible attitude.  I am grateful that he is able to make the kids laugh.  I forgot that he used to make me laugh.  Before the kids, before life just became difficult.  Why is that?  How does he do that?

Mindy was browsing through some books.  She still couldn't come up with anything really remarkable about her husband.  She was still exhausted each day.  But now she was curious about what made him tick.  About what she could come up with besides her list.

Mindy noticed in the book store that there was a women's section.  It was filled with romance.  It was filled with pictures of fathers spending quality time with kids.  It was filled with beautiful homes and wedding dresses.  Yes!  Mindy thought.  That is exactly what I want.  A beautiful home with my husband actually doing something.  A real partnership.

Then, Mindy browsed the men's section.  Sports.  Ughh.  Sailing.  Hiking.  Mountain climbing.  Life stories from famous boxers and quarter backs.  Coaches.  Hmm.  Hero.  Bravery.  Adventure.  Why are men so drawn to that?

Day 30 came along.  Mindy was grateful that her husband did not take the job in the city which would have advanced his career but leave less time with the family.  Mindy was grateful that her husband did not backlash when she cursed him.  Mindy was grateful that he never spoke badly of her when he was with his friends.

Mindy started to the think about some of these things.  More and more, she realized, he too had not signed up for this.  When they met, her husband had hopes and dreams.  He wanted to attack the world.  To make it a better place.  But Mindy's vision of what a family was, forced him to make sacrifices.  Of course, he, like most men was living a life of quiet desperation.  And he did it for her.  He said it would be okay.

Mindy paused.  He did it for her?

Mindy was still angry.  She was still bitter.  That's why she leaked venom.  Where did this come from she thought?  But, she started to feel that her husband was already experiencing as much pain as she was.  What if he actually wanted to please me?  What if he wanted to be my hero?  What if he wants that childish adventurous part of him to bring color and laughter in my life but I am getting the way of my own happiness?

Mindy decided to read up on anger.  She decided she actually had a real issue with anger.  Mindy had never been in the book store so much her entire life.  But she figured that someone somewhere had been through her struggles and figured out how to get out of them.  And they probably wrote a book about it.  So she was determined to work on herself and learn about herself.

Day 63 was ironic and somewhat funny.  Mindy wrote, "I am grateful my husband does not do everything I want him to do.  It gives me an opportunity to experience things I never would experience doing things my way.  It allows me to be challenged.  Honestly, my life would probably be boring if we just did things my way.  I am grateful my husband is not perfect.  I never would have realized I struggle with anger and releasing control.  I never would have realized how much my childhood left me afraid to be vulnerable because I didn't believe I could trust people to come through when I needed them.  I never would have realized that I need to do a better job of identifying my own needs and communicating them.  In fact, I will have to do a better job of clarifying to myself what is most important to me so that I can focus on getting those things addressed.  I am grateful that I do not feel unworthy of my husband.  I do not worry daily that some girl will come and steal my man.  At least not any of my friends since I tell them all the dirt on him."

By the last week, Mindy's husband hadn't changed a single bit.  But Mindy was learning to be thankful for what she had.  She continued her journey well beyond the 90 days.

A year and a half passed before her husband had a birthday.  On that day, Mindy wrote him a thank you note:

"I am grateful for all the sacrifices you make for our family.  I know many of them I don't even see or acknowledge.  I used to wonder why the kids laughed so hard with you.  In fact, I was even a little jealous at times.  But now I see that you are simply their hero.  For some time, I was afraid to let you be my hero too, even though the little girl in me wanted it so badly.  I just didn't know it.  I wanted to force you to prove that you were worthy of being trusted because I wasn't going to allow my heart to be broken.  I know you aren't perfect but you are a good man and you ARE my hero.  Happy Birthday.  Love, Mindy."

Tears streamed down her husbands face as Mindy reached over to squeeze his arm.  Mindy decided a while back that life and the world had broken her husband enough.  She did not need to add to it.  From now on, she was going to work on healing her own wounds as well as tending to his.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright November 2015


What if the world as we know it was not always as it is?

What if the world was flat before it was discovered to be round?

What if dinosaurs didn't exist until we found their bones?

What if Newton's laws did not hold true until he articulated them?

What if micro waves did not exist until their power was harnessed?

What if the atom bomb was not possible until the moment it first blew?

What if wireless technology was simply an ingredient added to an existing creation?

What if water simply did appear out of the thin air on Mars?

What more will we discover and experience yet believe was always there?


<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright November 2015

The Ying and Yang of Life

Women want love

Men want respect

Women are beautiful

Men are powerful

Women experience the emotional

Men experience the physical

Women convey Love

Men convey the Word

Women are prone to judgement

Men are prone to attraction

Women are punished for Adultery

Men are punished for Murder

Women offer grace

Men offer truth

Women embody Water and Air

Men embody Fire and Earth

Women temper Phlegmatic and Sanguine

Men temper Choleric and Melancholy

Women will accommodate or collaborate

Men will fight or take flight

Women demonstrate peace

Men demonstrate passion

Women are gatherers

Men are hunters

Women struggle to obey

Men struggle to forgive

Women are incubators

Men are generators

Women lean toward cleansing

Men lean toward sacrificing

Women are captivating

Men are adventurous

Women are the Water

Men are the Food

Scott Izu, PhD
© November 2015