Rose grew up in Southern Texas. Her mother and father owned a small ranch. Every morning, she got up early to do her chores. Then, she would go off to school.
In elementary school, she just went through the motions like every other kid. She tried to do what she was supposed to do and did not question anything around her. She was shy because some of the other kids made fun of her but she did not really think much of it.
When she hit middle school, the worst happened. Her mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Her health deteriorated in 6 months and it was a blow that left Rose wondering what just hit her because it all happened too quickly to process.
The next few years, Rose became more filled with solitude. Her world had been shattered and she was left powerless to do anything about it. She would sometimes observe Amy who was pretty and popular and seemed to have the perfect life. The bullying from when she was younger just triggered those hurtful messages that left her removing herself from society to cry to herself in the bathroom. She did not want anyone to have satisfaction of seeing her pain.
Over the years, the once blooming ranch turned sour. The green grass became weeds. The old shed, once beautiful, was now dark with rot, the roof had caved in. Boards were broken with branches from previous storms poking through. Her once delighted father, struggled to hold a job. He slowly became an alcoholic and a disease had spread through him.
A few weeks after Rose turned 16, the second most devastating thing in her life happened. Her father came home drunk one night, came into her bedroom and raped her. Rose was so shocked and numb, she did not even fight back. In the days that followed, she thought she could ignore the pain of betrayal but the insecurity drove her insane as she tried to pretend it never happened. A few weeks passed until Rose couldnt take it anymore. She dropped out of high school and ran away to California.
Over the years, she tried to leave the past wounds behind her. The biggest wounds she had were blows from her very own parents. How could life deal her this hand? Didnt she love me enough to fight? How could she leave me? Why did that happen? Was I not good enough? Was I a horrible person? Did I deserve what happened? Do all men just take what they want?
She came to grips with that fact that she was broken and unlovable and life would just not deal her a good hand. Others fell in love but she buried that impossibility so deep since it simply wouldnt happen to her.
Thats when she met Caleb. Caleb seemed like he enjoyed life and was so happy. His smile would be so bright, annoyingly bright. "Like, why is this idiot so happy all the time?" Somehow, opposites attracted and they became friends. She would ignore him and do her own thing like she always did but his bubbly spirit would come and swing by, smiling, asking her to come hang out with friends.
They did become friends. One night, while they talked alone in the car, she felt an anxiousness as she was drawn to him. It was a painful anxiousness because she had become comfortable just not feeling. Just avoiding. Now, this subtle hope that something good could happen to her, scared her. That maybe she could find love, hurt. She didnt know why she did it, but she leaned over and kissed Caleb. Immediately she regretted it. Im sorry, she uttered. But the feeling just rose up. That feeling that you all of a sudden become aware of a risk that you know you will only have once in a lifetime to take.
She climbed over the seats and kissed Caleb again. Harder this time. She felt his warmth, his body and heat and responses. She took off her shirt and something so natural happened. She pushed her breasts into him. She wanted him to enjoy her body. She wanted to nurture him, to take care of him. That night, they did have sex. It spawed a ten year relationship with kids and pta meetings and soccer games and a normal life.
After two kids and ten years, however, life had taken its toll on the relationship. There was no major catastrophe, no major reason that the beautiful fields of life would slowly deteriorate. They just did until there was no more love in the garden that was no longer tended to.
One morning, Caleb left. No note, no reason. He just left. The third most devastating event of Roses life. At first, she again asked all the questions. She wanted to run away. But over time, she grew angry. She blamed him for leaving and for the hardships she faced as a single mother.
For twenty years, she reverted to what she knew. Ignoring the past because it hurt to much. And trying to just survive.
Then, finally, the fourth and final devastation hit. Rose was diagnosed with the same cancer her mother had. She was given six months to live.
As she lay in her hospital bed, day after day, she was actually thankful that death was arriving. This world was just too painful to deal with. But deep down, she had always known there was a reason she was here, so she never felt like suicide was an option, even though the pain at times was unbearable.
She thought a lot about the major events in her life. She wondered if there was anyway she could have lived better. Done more to deserve more. She thought about how no one has the perfect life. Everyone feels at times like they are unworthy of love, like they are ugly rather than beautiful. That they are powerless against the evil that reigns. That her mother, her father, Caleb, they did not mean to hurt her.
For the first time, as ugly as their betrayals, she realized that they did what they did in response to brokeness inside themselves. And she truly believed if they knew, what their actions did to her. How much hurt it caused them, then they wouldnt have done it. She only knew this because her time on her deathbed had caused her to think of some of the devastating blows she had delivered. To close friends she met, to her own children even. And sorrow filled her heart. She used to justify that she was different. Pride snuck into her and she convinced herself that what she had done to hurt others was in no way comparable to what God, life and men had done to her. But as she lay there, too tired to wrestle anymore, she final lay down the burdens she chose to carry for a lifetime.
She had to be honest with herself and she knew she breathed as much evil into the world due to her own hurts. But she was okay with it, because she did the best she could and breathed a lot of good into the world too. She did the best she could and no single person could do more than that. There is no more than the best you could do. And she realized, the true enemy was not God or her father, or Caleb, but the devil himself. For the first time, she accepted all that was and surprisingly wouldnt change a single moment or second of the life she had been given. She felt the beauty of life, and seasons pass through her. With everything stripped away, her soul alone, she felt loved for the first time in her life. And the bright light called as an overwhelming peace overcame her. She close her eyes and passed.
