Rob and Marci were meant to be together. They just were. Rob was the star basketball player. He was athletic and smart and funny.
Marci was shy and reserved. She liked her books and became a safe place for Rob where he could hide away from the troubles of life. A picnic in the park, a ride to the beach.
For three years, it seemed like the two were inseparable. They partied together, explored together, ate together and travelled together.
But as life's calling egged them onto a different stage in life, they found themselves trying to become more established.
It was at that point that Rob and Marci started to drift apart. Their life goals and search for meaning and more, caused them to go their separate ways. Throughout the years, they both thought about each other, but once that season is over, it seems no matter how much something is forced, it is like destiny himself is battling to keep the two away.
Their life would drift into each others without even knowing it. Rob would be at a coffee shop in Miami, after a cruise docked. Marci would be parked right next door getting her suits pressed for the morning meeting.
Marci would go visit her parents and pick something up from the grociery store and Rob would be in the next eisle over.
Yet, the two never ran into each other.
Both had become widely successful, gotten married, had two kids and gotten divorced.
It just seemed life would never grant them what they discovered so early on. Too bad, they did not even know what they had.
Old hurts would cause a little fizzle to die out, when they did reach out to each other. Its the toxicity of leaving once or scarring once the embeds the doubt that can never be overcome. Some people do it. They leave, then come back only to find the same issues and challenges and leave again, deeping the wound. So the two would never be together.
They ended up reasonably happy and found someone to settle with. Not quite the same passion, desire, connection. But a learned love that was just as deep and companionship for the lives they chose to lead.
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright September 2019
Thursday, September 19, 2019
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
The Yard House
Cold stone steps
Wind against my heart
Sand drifting through space
Slowly painting out history
The death of loss
It happened six months ago
But finally I feel it
Stay strong for everyone else
A state of fog, shock and disbelief
Handle what needs to be done
Though I was torn inside
A warm memory sneaks in my mind
With vivid clarity
When we first met
You picked me up in your arms
Dragons breath sweet milk
Electric box of loneliness
The stars seem to understand
Shed a tear for the river flows
There comes a breaking point
Where the soul can never mend
...
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright August 2019
Wind against my heart
Sand drifting through space
Slowly painting out history
The death of loss
It happened six months ago
But finally I feel it
Stay strong for everyone else
A state of fog, shock and disbelief
Handle what needs to be done
Though I was torn inside
A warm memory sneaks in my mind
With vivid clarity
When we first met
You picked me up in your arms
Dragons breath sweet milk
Electric box of loneliness
The stars seem to understand
Shed a tear for the river flows
There comes a breaking point
Where the soul can never mend
...
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright August 2019
Friday, July 19, 2019
Peace In All
Rides to save me
Company to sober me
Sweaters to warm me
Massages to relax me
Smiles to accompany me
Hamburgers to feed me
Parties to engage me
...
Such good memories
Such a great gift
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright 2019
Company to sober me
Sweaters to warm me
Massages to relax me
Smiles to accompany me
Hamburgers to feed me
Parties to engage me
...
Such good memories
Such a great gift
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright 2019
Friday, June 28, 2019
An Empty Seat
I have an empty seat in front of me,
A beautiful night in a beautiful life,
But no companion to share it with.
I have tried a million times to fill that seat.
But like the empty void in me,
It never gets filled.
Or at least remains that way.
It starts out great.
But it is always the same.
I am high off of hope.
But eventually,
I find myself wanting more.
And this is coupled with new responsibilities,
I am unable to fulfill.
I have no power to make someone else happy.
Or fill their void.
Trust me,
I have tried.
Desperately tried.
I guess wanting more comes from both sides.
How can one put in the energy into a new potential?
When the sting of the past remains present.
I guess,
I am still not ready.
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright June 2019
Sunday, June 9, 2019
Dark Caverns
Sleepless nights,
Am I a good mother?
Could I have done more?
What did I do wrong?
Where did I go wrong?
How did I miss the signs?
We went for help,
But it was too late.
Thanksgiving without him
Because he was in a rehabilitation clinic
Alcohol.
Then, locked up for nine months.
I couldn't see my baby boy in that place.
When he came home,
I thanked God that he was safe again.
Guilty, because I had my other kids.
My other responsibilities.
The first time he slit his wrists,
He was only 15 years old.
Then, he popped pills.
Hospital visits.
He finally succeeded.
And I have failed.
Now, I wear black.
The pain in my chest
Its going to explode.
I scream and cry and can't escape.
Each day I get up,
The world is different
Depression is real
And it took my baby boy.
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright 2019
Am I a good mother?
Could I have done more?
What did I do wrong?
Where did I go wrong?
How did I miss the signs?
We went for help,
But it was too late.
Thanksgiving without him
Because he was in a rehabilitation clinic
Alcohol.
Then, locked up for nine months.
I couldn't see my baby boy in that place.
When he came home,
I thanked God that he was safe again.
Guilty, because I had my other kids.
My other responsibilities.
The first time he slit his wrists,
He was only 15 years old.
Then, he popped pills.
Hospital visits.
He finally succeeded.
And I have failed.
Now, I wear black.
The pain in my chest
Its going to explode.
I scream and cry and can't escape.
Each day I get up,
The world is different
Depression is real
And it took my baby boy.
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright 2019
Tuesday, March 19, 2019
Adventures of Night Diving
Waves crashing,
Heightened breathing,
Salt water gags my throat
To fill a bag with treasure
Carried twenty feet across the rocks
Pushed this way and that
Physical exhaustion coupled with an empty bag
Disappointment and frustration
But every dive, a new lesson, a new beauty
Recovered and shed the extra pounds,
Rid of expectations and goals
Focusing on enjoyment and exploration
Calmness resurges
Heart beat slows
One breath hold lasts a lifetime
No urgency to get back to the bottom
A sheepshead but no need to shoot it
Combing the reef for hours
Then comes the miraculous four and a half inch lobster!
<SI> Scott Izu , PhD
Copyright March 2019
3 Months of a New Year
I wake up groggy and slow,
I stare at your hair,
The empty space that is there,
Each day that goes by,
Reminds me of a lifetime ago.
Have you moved on?
Its no longer my place to know.
Where do these questions go?
The ones that wish to know someone.
To be close to someone.
To know their goals and dreams.
Facebook, Messenger, Instagram
Friends of friends,
Each day gets easier
Yet everyday the same.
Mornings of clarity,
Nights of wrestling.
Living in this bi polar being
Split by various incongruent desires.
Figments of my imagination
And remembering the past
All the things people are aware of
Yet never conveyed to me,
Only subtley enough
That my intuition
Was forced to pick it up
Yet could not define it
Leaving no room for ignorant bliss
Makes me doubt
What is reality?
What is truth?
As I take a leap onto not so solid ground
And my world quakes
Or is this leaving a fantasy
And walking on solid ground?
Insanity.
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright March 2019
I stare at your hair,
The empty space that is there,
Each day that goes by,
Reminds me of a lifetime ago.
Have you moved on?
Its no longer my place to know.
Where do these questions go?
The ones that wish to know someone.
To be close to someone.
To know their goals and dreams.
Facebook, Messenger, Instagram
Friends of friends,
Each day gets easier
Yet everyday the same.
Mornings of clarity,
Nights of wrestling.
Living in this bi polar being
Split by various incongruent desires.
Figments of my imagination
And remembering the past
All the things people are aware of
Yet never conveyed to me,
Only subtley enough
That my intuition
Was forced to pick it up
Yet could not define it
Leaving no room for ignorant bliss
Makes me doubt
What is reality?
What is truth?
As I take a leap onto not so solid ground
And my world quakes
Or is this leaving a fantasy
And walking on solid ground?
Insanity.
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright March 2019
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
The Safety Net
Amy. Miss Amy. Single for years. And frustrated. Frustrated with the lack of masculinity in society. What is it that stole masculinity from society? Was it that the industrial age, took fathers out of their homes so young boys no longer had a role model? Was is the women's rights movement, that somehow emasculated men as women sought equality? What happened to that well groomed man in a suit, who carried honor and chivalry on his shoulders?
Every single man, or boy, as Amy might put it, seemed to be stuck in his teenage years. Either he was a pot head, with all these amazing talents but no motivation to do anything with those talents. Or he was a video game addict. At first, it would be fun with these boys. But deep down, Amy knew, she was just going along with their act, hoping that she could shift them in her direction. Give her something to signal that this was in fact just a phase and that they could switch gears, get more serious about life. If anything, at least give her that deep connection she longed for.
Amy loved romantic comedies and reading up on relationships. Twenty five soul engaging questions and two hours of answering these questions looking directly into each others eyes. Mystically, this would make two people fall in love.
Finally, Amy found a man she could dive deep with. This man was no mama's boy. He didn't waste his time in fantasies. On the other hand, he was pursuing real goals in life. His name was Baldwin. And Baldwin treated Amy better than any man she had ever met before. At first, she was skeptical, wondering, "What does this guy really want?" or "Is he for real?".
Amy would tag along on adventures. Her favorite adventure of all was visiting North Island, Seychelles. They visited for ten days. The food was exquisite. Roasted corn on the cob with Lamb Chops and several sauces to savor each bite. Every meal seemed to be an array of flavors and small samples of a variety of foods. Baldwin threw down the beach blanket like a natural and the arrangements for the picnic by the sunset just seemed so smooth. Amy remembered feeling a little light headed as she giddily swooned Baldwin that evening. She brushed up against him and let her guard completely down.
As they hit the year mark, the lovey dovey fuzzies seemed to start clearing a path to reality. Baldwin was great, but there was just one problem. He had a string of women in his past. Every once in a while, they would contact him. He would be upfront with Amy about it and at first Amy was okay with it and tried to be understanding. However, as they hit the year mark, it started to really eat away at Amy. Was this how it was going to be? Why didn't he end things? Why was he still in contact?
Amy knew that she would have to address the subject. When she approached Baldwin about it, she tried to keep her cool, even though the very subject made her boil inside. Baldwin, told her that he was working on getting over them. He said that he didn't want animosity with anyone and wanted to remain approachable, in case they needed answers or they needed answers. He asked Amy if she could help him through this process and Amy was happy to do so.
The next few months were a little rocky, because for whatever reason that was all Amy could think about. She felt very insecure because she didn't know if she was being too accepting or too demanding. All of her friends agreed with her that there was no reason to be contacting those exes. She just wished, he would finally learn to block those people he wasn't really committed to.
Finally, one evening, Amy brought up the topic again. Her anger was overwhelming. Having discussed this topic at nauseum, many times over several months, Baldwin asked for some space so he could really think about this issue. He too wanted to move forward in life and potentially in the relationship. He admitted he needed to change something but he didn't know what.
On the relationship hiatus, Baldwin did some soul searching. He thought about the relationships in his past. It seemed there were two types of girls. The ones he was wildly crazy about, who didn't seem to treat him very well and he seemed to suffocate. Or they were ones that made him feel really good about himself, because they treated him well. That was good, except, he didn't have those powerful emotions near them but rather, was completely comfortable with them.
He realized, that whenever he took the risk to pursue his dream girl, that dream girl always seemed to break his heart. The way Baldwin responded was to cope with the companionship of the second type of girl. The one who was a great friend. Both Amy and Baldwin knew his reasons for not cutting ties were BS, but finally Baldwin could see it more clearly. Baldwin, having experienced heart ache, kept a safety net. There were two problems with this safety net. The net was an illusion. None of those exes could actually be used to catch Baldwin because they had changed and moved on with their lives. The same problems that caused the break up still existed. And lastly, deep down, Baldwin knew he didn't want to be with any of the women in his net. It was simply a thought he could hold on to when loneliness, feelings of defectiveness or heart ache hit him too hard. The second problem was that this safety net was actually preventing Baldwin from being free and available to attract what he really wanted. It prevented him from working through all of the difficult emotions, processing and resolving them.
The sad thing was that Baldwin realized Amy was that second type of girl. He could spend his life with her and by happy. But he'd never be in love with her. Deep down, he'd always regret not finding that dream girl. Settling.
It wasn't long until Baldwin and Amy broke up. And it wasn't long after that that Baldwin finally blocked Amy, due to the realization that if he wasn't going to chase her full heartedly, he had no business wasting any of her time.
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright January 2019
Every single man, or boy, as Amy might put it, seemed to be stuck in his teenage years. Either he was a pot head, with all these amazing talents but no motivation to do anything with those talents. Or he was a video game addict. At first, it would be fun with these boys. But deep down, Amy knew, she was just going along with their act, hoping that she could shift them in her direction. Give her something to signal that this was in fact just a phase and that they could switch gears, get more serious about life. If anything, at least give her that deep connection she longed for.
Amy loved romantic comedies and reading up on relationships. Twenty five soul engaging questions and two hours of answering these questions looking directly into each others eyes. Mystically, this would make two people fall in love.
Finally, Amy found a man she could dive deep with. This man was no mama's boy. He didn't waste his time in fantasies. On the other hand, he was pursuing real goals in life. His name was Baldwin. And Baldwin treated Amy better than any man she had ever met before. At first, she was skeptical, wondering, "What does this guy really want?" or "Is he for real?".
Amy would tag along on adventures. Her favorite adventure of all was visiting North Island, Seychelles. They visited for ten days. The food was exquisite. Roasted corn on the cob with Lamb Chops and several sauces to savor each bite. Every meal seemed to be an array of flavors and small samples of a variety of foods. Baldwin threw down the beach blanket like a natural and the arrangements for the picnic by the sunset just seemed so smooth. Amy remembered feeling a little light headed as she giddily swooned Baldwin that evening. She brushed up against him and let her guard completely down.
As they hit the year mark, the lovey dovey fuzzies seemed to start clearing a path to reality. Baldwin was great, but there was just one problem. He had a string of women in his past. Every once in a while, they would contact him. He would be upfront with Amy about it and at first Amy was okay with it and tried to be understanding. However, as they hit the year mark, it started to really eat away at Amy. Was this how it was going to be? Why didn't he end things? Why was he still in contact?
Amy knew that she would have to address the subject. When she approached Baldwin about it, she tried to keep her cool, even though the very subject made her boil inside. Baldwin, told her that he was working on getting over them. He said that he didn't want animosity with anyone and wanted to remain approachable, in case they needed answers or they needed answers. He asked Amy if she could help him through this process and Amy was happy to do so.
The next few months were a little rocky, because for whatever reason that was all Amy could think about. She felt very insecure because she didn't know if she was being too accepting or too demanding. All of her friends agreed with her that there was no reason to be contacting those exes. She just wished, he would finally learn to block those people he wasn't really committed to.
Finally, one evening, Amy brought up the topic again. Her anger was overwhelming. Having discussed this topic at nauseum, many times over several months, Baldwin asked for some space so he could really think about this issue. He too wanted to move forward in life and potentially in the relationship. He admitted he needed to change something but he didn't know what.
On the relationship hiatus, Baldwin did some soul searching. He thought about the relationships in his past. It seemed there were two types of girls. The ones he was wildly crazy about, who didn't seem to treat him very well and he seemed to suffocate. Or they were ones that made him feel really good about himself, because they treated him well. That was good, except, he didn't have those powerful emotions near them but rather, was completely comfortable with them.
He realized, that whenever he took the risk to pursue his dream girl, that dream girl always seemed to break his heart. The way Baldwin responded was to cope with the companionship of the second type of girl. The one who was a great friend. Both Amy and Baldwin knew his reasons for not cutting ties were BS, but finally Baldwin could see it more clearly. Baldwin, having experienced heart ache, kept a safety net. There were two problems with this safety net. The net was an illusion. None of those exes could actually be used to catch Baldwin because they had changed and moved on with their lives. The same problems that caused the break up still existed. And lastly, deep down, Baldwin knew he didn't want to be with any of the women in his net. It was simply a thought he could hold on to when loneliness, feelings of defectiveness or heart ache hit him too hard. The second problem was that this safety net was actually preventing Baldwin from being free and available to attract what he really wanted. It prevented him from working through all of the difficult emotions, processing and resolving them.
The sad thing was that Baldwin realized Amy was that second type of girl. He could spend his life with her and by happy. But he'd never be in love with her. Deep down, he'd always regret not finding that dream girl. Settling.
It wasn't long until Baldwin and Amy broke up. And it wasn't long after that that Baldwin finally blocked Amy, due to the realization that if he wasn't going to chase her full heartedly, he had no business wasting any of her time.
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright January 2019
Monday, January 7, 2019
The Love of My Life
Everyone has a dream. My dream was this. That I would marry my high school girlfriend.
No one impacted me ever again quite like you. Every time I have love and lost, I retrace my steps through my deepest loves.
They go all the way back to my puppy love. My puppy love was more like a good friend. We never even kissed. When she broke my heart, You were there to pick up the pieces.
Remember the Sandie Hawkins dance. The brown reversible puffy jackets. Yeah, I kept those for years after, well into my marriage.
You represent my biggest mistake. A mistake that I never even acknowledged or learned from as you put it, until you decided you never wanted to speak to me again. My life lives the irony of not learning until people finally decide to keep me accountable. Hit that deep abandonment wound. Forgiveness has found a way to enable me somehow. Fear of abandonment. Fear of being alone. Fear of losing my best friend. I couldn't just sit around and let it happen, so I self sabotaged. It goes even deeper than that. Low self esteem and self worth so I can't actually allow myself to have something good. You were right, I didn't learn. Because you forgave me, I learned the wrong lesson. I learned to hide instead of to do what is right. I learned to lie instead of to be honest.
Your dad was my hero. He is the reason I am who I am today. How could I be paralyzed by getting kicked out of my home and starting from scratch when he had to leave the country. Learning math, though he hated math. Learning computer science, though he hated computer science. Then, he found an apartment for me when I couldn't find one. He paid a few months rent to make sure I had a home. I felt horrible when I wasn't good enough for his little girl.
Remember watching Jurassic Park. I annoyed you so much that day. I'm sorry.
Titanic and Elle magazine. You made me secretly love both. Shh. Don't tell my guy friends.
You were my only visitor in the dreadful place of Utah. I had to hide your clothes and sneak you in and out everywhere. I broke the washing machine. But we made a midnight run for a half gallon of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream and I rode you and Alane on my bike.
Remember when I came over for a week and hid in your closet? I thought I would be in so much trouble when I finally arrived home and it was devastating to know that no one even noticed I was gone. That was life growing up. I stole $25 from my older brother, went to Target several miles away, bought some toys, got lost on the way home, asking a stranger if they knew where I lived, then arrived home thinking I would get in trouble but no one even noticed. No one ever noticed. You had to be my girlfriend and my mother, making me ground beef, tomatoes and rice or lap sung.
Remember roller blading on the tennis courts. You'd always pretend to fall and take me down with you. So smooth.
The car accident, totaling the mustang. Just a couple bruised knees but we were okay. Riding to the beach with the top down, playing children and Depeche Mode. I want somebody to love, love me passionately. Know my inner most thoughts. Know my intimate details. Beautiful words.
Junior Prom. What a great adventure. Grabbing the cabin near Santa Cruz. I think about it every time I drive up the 1. Was it Bonny Doon road? Getting a flat, almost missing our prom, puncturing my foot and jogging a half mile to get a tractor to pull us out. My top hat, braids and cane. I felt like the million dollar man with you by my side.
Every lunch break, I'd rest my head on your legs. Almost as if I owned you, I'd make sure everyone knew you were mine. Most importantly, I knew you were mine. Thank you for making me feel secure.
Precious. That was like our little baby. I remember disciplining her. I always thought that one day, it wouldn't just be a dog. It would be a real baby.
Remember getting scam letters of becoming a millionaire. We believed it and that life would actually allow us to be together.
Hanging out near the Physics room, at the movie theaters at the swimming pool in your UC Davis apartment. That's when I first started going places just to feel connected to a lost love. The swimming pool near Lanview. Going up to UC Davis.
You believed in me. I'm so thankful for that. You already predicted that my goals of going to UC Berkeley and teaching college level math would one day come true.
You wrote the most amazing letters. My high school yearbook, which I only have today because my mother never let me throw it out. Maybe that's why I couldn't move on, because one is supposed to burn every single thing, to keep them from holding on. The letters we exchanged even when I was married. I loved writing. I lost my passion for many years.
20 years later and I still sob. Probably, because my MO was to stuff it and keep going. Jump into another relationship quickly. Never actually sit with the physical pain. The pain that seeps into the lower left rib and doesn't allow you to breathe. How can one forget how to breathe?
I'm glad you had your one child, which you always wanted. Your career which was incredible to see how determined you were to make it. You always were kinda stuck in how things should be done. Remember when you pulled out from school, pissed at the driver who didn't wait for you and then got pissed at the next car who you needed to pull out because they thought you would wait for them.
Fourth grade. You had the same demeanor about you. I was just this goofy, dorky space cadet, in my own world. Annoying boys.
Physics class. George Shuttinger. The reason I went into signal processing at UC Berkeley. We would always poke fun at him and he was always so delighted. We studied so hard together and your notes were so well color coordinated with different color pens for different types of information. We had so much fun in that class. All the contests and competitions.
Lam, Kim, me and you. We were four peas in a pod.
I wrote my first songs on the piano for you. Midnights of madness, you held me in your arms. All of my passion and all of your charms. Why don't you come back to me, I'll show you the way.
You didn't even believe what I believed but you supported me in my spiritual walk. Trying to understand morality and where I fit in with it. Teenage years were confusing and religion made it even more confusing. It was then that I formulated my beliefs that still hold true today. Though a whole other element has come alive for me today, to see it as living water.
Thanks for making me feel like I belonged. Thanks for giving your whole heart.
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright January 2019
No one impacted me ever again quite like you. Every time I have love and lost, I retrace my steps through my deepest loves.
They go all the way back to my puppy love. My puppy love was more like a good friend. We never even kissed. When she broke my heart, You were there to pick up the pieces.
Remember the Sandie Hawkins dance. The brown reversible puffy jackets. Yeah, I kept those for years after, well into my marriage.
You represent my biggest mistake. A mistake that I never even acknowledged or learned from as you put it, until you decided you never wanted to speak to me again. My life lives the irony of not learning until people finally decide to keep me accountable. Hit that deep abandonment wound. Forgiveness has found a way to enable me somehow. Fear of abandonment. Fear of being alone. Fear of losing my best friend. I couldn't just sit around and let it happen, so I self sabotaged. It goes even deeper than that. Low self esteem and self worth so I can't actually allow myself to have something good. You were right, I didn't learn. Because you forgave me, I learned the wrong lesson. I learned to hide instead of to do what is right. I learned to lie instead of to be honest.
Your dad was my hero. He is the reason I am who I am today. How could I be paralyzed by getting kicked out of my home and starting from scratch when he had to leave the country. Learning math, though he hated math. Learning computer science, though he hated computer science. Then, he found an apartment for me when I couldn't find one. He paid a few months rent to make sure I had a home. I felt horrible when I wasn't good enough for his little girl.
Remember watching Jurassic Park. I annoyed you so much that day. I'm sorry.
Titanic and Elle magazine. You made me secretly love both. Shh. Don't tell my guy friends.
You were my only visitor in the dreadful place of Utah. I had to hide your clothes and sneak you in and out everywhere. I broke the washing machine. But we made a midnight run for a half gallon of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream and I rode you and Alane on my bike.
Remember when I came over for a week and hid in your closet? I thought I would be in so much trouble when I finally arrived home and it was devastating to know that no one even noticed I was gone. That was life growing up. I stole $25 from my older brother, went to Target several miles away, bought some toys, got lost on the way home, asking a stranger if they knew where I lived, then arrived home thinking I would get in trouble but no one even noticed. No one ever noticed. You had to be my girlfriend and my mother, making me ground beef, tomatoes and rice or lap sung.
Remember roller blading on the tennis courts. You'd always pretend to fall and take me down with you. So smooth.
The car accident, totaling the mustang. Just a couple bruised knees but we were okay. Riding to the beach with the top down, playing children and Depeche Mode. I want somebody to love, love me passionately. Know my inner most thoughts. Know my intimate details. Beautiful words.
Junior Prom. What a great adventure. Grabbing the cabin near Santa Cruz. I think about it every time I drive up the 1. Was it Bonny Doon road? Getting a flat, almost missing our prom, puncturing my foot and jogging a half mile to get a tractor to pull us out. My top hat, braids and cane. I felt like the million dollar man with you by my side.
Every lunch break, I'd rest my head on your legs. Almost as if I owned you, I'd make sure everyone knew you were mine. Most importantly, I knew you were mine. Thank you for making me feel secure.
Precious. That was like our little baby. I remember disciplining her. I always thought that one day, it wouldn't just be a dog. It would be a real baby.
Remember getting scam letters of becoming a millionaire. We believed it and that life would actually allow us to be together.
Hanging out near the Physics room, at the movie theaters at the swimming pool in your UC Davis apartment. That's when I first started going places just to feel connected to a lost love. The swimming pool near Lanview. Going up to UC Davis.
You believed in me. I'm so thankful for that. You already predicted that my goals of going to UC Berkeley and teaching college level math would one day come true.
You wrote the most amazing letters. My high school yearbook, which I only have today because my mother never let me throw it out. Maybe that's why I couldn't move on, because one is supposed to burn every single thing, to keep them from holding on. The letters we exchanged even when I was married. I loved writing. I lost my passion for many years.
20 years later and I still sob. Probably, because my MO was to stuff it and keep going. Jump into another relationship quickly. Never actually sit with the physical pain. The pain that seeps into the lower left rib and doesn't allow you to breathe. How can one forget how to breathe?
I'm glad you had your one child, which you always wanted. Your career which was incredible to see how determined you were to make it. You always were kinda stuck in how things should be done. Remember when you pulled out from school, pissed at the driver who didn't wait for you and then got pissed at the next car who you needed to pull out because they thought you would wait for them.
Fourth grade. You had the same demeanor about you. I was just this goofy, dorky space cadet, in my own world. Annoying boys.
Physics class. George Shuttinger. The reason I went into signal processing at UC Berkeley. We would always poke fun at him and he was always so delighted. We studied so hard together and your notes were so well color coordinated with different color pens for different types of information. We had so much fun in that class. All the contests and competitions.
Lam, Kim, me and you. We were four peas in a pod.
I wrote my first songs on the piano for you. Midnights of madness, you held me in your arms. All of my passion and all of your charms. Why don't you come back to me, I'll show you the way.
You didn't even believe what I believed but you supported me in my spiritual walk. Trying to understand morality and where I fit in with it. Teenage years were confusing and religion made it even more confusing. It was then that I formulated my beliefs that still hold true today. Though a whole other element has come alive for me today, to see it as living water.
Thanks for making me feel like I belonged. Thanks for giving your whole heart.
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright January 2019
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