Saturday, March 28, 2015

The Artist's Drain

How can I ignore this feeling I feel?
This pain is real,
Yet it has such appeal.
Stirs a pot of emotion,
Boils over like an ocean,
With a touch of exotic notion.
Brings me back to childhood dreams,
When all was simple or so it seems,
Night skys and sweet moon beams.
So goes the rambling of my rage,
Placing my passion on the page,
Writing from the soul of a sage.
Woken in me is something that was dead,
Side by side with something that I dread,
It was that I bled before I fled.
So now I sit in paralysis,
A state of nocturnal bliss,
As if stuck by that heavenly kiss.
Sometimes words aren't enough to explain,
For words in comparison appear so plain,
So I must use the artistic outlet just to drain.

Scott Izu, PhD
© March 2015

Four Elements of Life

My eldest, he is a summer fire.

His wrath may be fierce,

And he has the potential to do great damage.

For him, I pray that he learn of his strength,

To provide health and warmth to those he encounters,

My next, she is the spring of water,

Her flexibility has the ability to consume fire,

She brings life and subtle nutrients to the Earth around her,

For her, I pray that the powerful force of her current be directed.

My middle girl, she is the autumn wind,

She has the ability to blow out fire,

To destroy the leaves from the trees,

Her power is mighty,

For her, I pray that she find joy

In lifting up those around her,

So they can soar with wings spread wide like eagles.

My youngest, she is Earth,

She is immovable and frozen in her position,

Her mountainous terrain crumbles and her quakes are strong,

For her, I pray that she plant the seeds deep,

That they would spring up mighty oaks,

And trees bearing a multitude of nutritious fruit.

These four little ones,

They are the greatest blessing in my life,

For them I pray for unity,

That they might stick together through life,

To acknowledge their differences and be grateful for each other,

That they might endure each season of life,


Saturday, March 21, 2015

Identity Crisis

Spinning round,

A convoluted mismash,

The wheel spins,

Sweet romanticism,

Mixed with guilt ridden religiosity,

Blurs of white lights,

The Jekyll of Mr. Hyde,

Intellectualized clairvoyance,

And a dash of just plain brattiness.

A disorderly cocktail,

Would you like a sip?t

Bon Jovi - Always


Neglected, abused and bullied,

I too was violated,

But not as you,

Simply violated by a broken world,

So numb to all that existed,

Beat up by life,

So I opened the door,

Pain bonding at its best,

Psychotic, sociopathic narcissism,

At its best,

Like a frozen starving child,

Steal a warm loaf of bread,

So thank you for being what no one else could see,

Even as the world decided to cave in on me,

So play your heart beat song and play it loud,

Through vulnerable tears,

That have finally unfrozen after so many years.

Friday, March 20, 2015

The Perfect Conundrum

This emptiness I feel,

How I wish I could live in denial,

How I wish I could still have the false hope,

The belief that sex, money, alcohol, television, gambling, drugs, video games, social media, technology, food, art, sports,

Could fill this void,

So at least days would pass like a speeding blur,

Why do people even choose to feel?

Numbness can be so much better.

But I see death in life,

Time frozen while it keeps moving,

Big is really small,

The last are first,

The broken are strong,

Science is illogical,

The perfection lies in the imperfect,

How did my world get flipped upside down?

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Blissful Surgery

Each night I think of you,
And wonder where you are.
My heart beats and yearns,
Like a whisper in the wind,
A long forgotten past,
Joy slow roasted into sorrow,
Pain screams out,
I know it as an intimate friend.
Where you once laid down your head,
Lies a pillow of soft fluffy tears,
Each worth its weight in gold,
Silvery and shining against the moonlight,
Carrying a loving memory,
A dream shattered in daylight.
Time carries the curse of healing,
A wounded soldier recovering,
When death was within reach,
Now mourning a loss,
Of a peace offered by death.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Whisk Away

Deep in the heart
Of my heart,
I'm trying to impart,
The start of a journey,
From afar,
The spaces between places,
It faces,
While the whole world embraces,
Yet there are no traces,
Of the disgraces,
So say hey miss,
Blow me a kiss,
Leave the double clenched fist,
And finish this.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Day Dreams

Life is so hard,

The challenges we face,

I see yours, mine a everyone's in between,

Why do we suffer so?

And we escape and run from the pain.

The vices we use,

Who can blame us?

And the easiest to turn to,

Is my imagination,

It runs wild to far off places,

Finding adventure I may never know,

And love I may never find,

And sex so intimate it cannot be described,

So is the dream a gift or a curse?

A sign of life or a way to live while dead?

Dreams and fantasies.

Those wickedly cool, sensationally fabulous, dreams and fantasies.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Desert Pain

This feeling I feel,

So much pain in my heart,

Trying to hold it together,

To not fall apart.

I have to continue working,

Continue to see my kids.

The tears flow,

And I cannot control,

I feel like a pussy,

A failure as a man and father,

My vulnerability flashes hard in my face,

So many ways to numb the pain,

And all lead to death,

Failure to stand,

Failure to be a man,

Can someone just hold me tight?

Tell me it will be alright?

And knowing thousands feel just like me?

No attachments or strong bonds,

And the pain soaks in.

Can we form a circle?

Unite a flame.

Freedom fighters.

This is what I fight for.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

The Words You'll Never Hear

Dear John,

I'm sorry.  I am so sorry I did not ever take the time to know what was going on inside you.  I was too busy worrying about me and all the things that were inportant to me.

We expect you to go out there a be that warrior and fight and conquer.  We expect you to attack the markets in life, to take on the corporate world, to sacrifice everything you are, to provide for us.

You were so young and you carried that burden.  And you were good at it.  I am so thankful for everything you have done and sacrificed.

And when Amy came into your life, I was so sad and hurt.  But the reality is, you deserve everything you find in her.  Someone to nurse your hurts, to listen to and help carry those emotional burdens.  To nurture your soul.

Everything you find in her, you deserve.  I just wish it could have been me.  I left you alone and cold and that was my fault and I am sorry for that.  Anyone dying like you were would have done the same.  I know you didn't want to leave because you were doing what you felt was right to protect me and the kids.

You are a good man and a good father.  And I understand and do not blame you for having two people tend to your needs.  I feel I have fallen short and don't blame you for getting the care you need.

I want you to be loved and cared for.  I just hope that you can find that love and care in a way that you can be at peace with.  Not for me or your father or your mother.  But for you.


Dear Abby,

While I was busy trying to make a way for our family, you were sneaking behind my back with Mike.  At first, I was so pissed off.  I hated you for betraying my trust.

But now, I feel I understand.  All those arguments we had, I never listened to you.  I never made you feel loved.  I never made you feel understood.

And you were dying for intimacy.  At night, when you wanted to hold me, I was not there.  During days, when you wanted to feel sexy and desirable, I was not there.  I would come home, expect clean clothes, food on the table.  Then, I would go to bed, finish the deed in bed, and fall asleep out of exhaustion.  No thank you.  No gifts to tell you I loved you.  No help around the house.  You did it all.  I am so sorry I did not support you the way you supported me.  You must have felt so alone and separate from the world.  And I put you there.  I did that.

I should have kissed you tenderly when I left.  And when I saw you.  And held you while you cooked.  And helped carry your burdens.  And held you after sex.  And made an effort to dedicate that time.  All that time.  To make you feel special.  You were and still are an amazing wife.  No wonder Mike is in love with you.  You deserve all the attention you get from him.

And worst off, I left you with the scars of me, never resolving my issues with my father.  I drank and forced you to clean up and pick up the pieces of my mess.  And I did not even let you in.  I did not allow you to help me.  You must have felt shut out and disconnected.  But I thought I was supposed to carry it myself.  I am sorry.  I was wrong to think I could carry it myself.

And you even protected me when I beat you.  I am so sorry.  You definitely deserve a man who will care for you and never make such a mistake.  I feel I am losing a great, courageous woman.  But you deserve much more than the shit storm of a life I put you through.