I lay my back on the cold concrete floor. Still in my dark grey business suit, now wrinkled from a night of partying in New York. And I have a decision to make.
Do I move to New York to run this billion dollar company, a chance of a lifetime or move back to Seattle, trying to make a life with Jenn?
Jenn has always been a small town girl. Nothing fancy about her. She wasn't like the models that I was used to dating. The models I dated were beautiful but in general superficial and lacked depth. In general, into themselves, oblivious to the suffering around them. And Jenn wasn't like the executives I was used to dating. Needing to control everything. A simple spontaneous run to watch a late night movie always became a power struggle. No way could I get the movie I wanted, the candy I wanted and the popcorn I wanted. Unless, I was willing to give up rights to a future night. Though, I did love the perks of being in a part of a power couple, like exquisite dinners by candlelight overlooking the moonlit sea.
No, Jenn was nothing like the fast paced world that I was used to. She was loyal to her family, putting them always before herself. It sometimes even made me feel sad, wondering if she would be able to live the life she wanted.
At ten years old, I had made the decision that I couldn't live trying to please others. It took a battle with suicide to get to that decision, but that is another story. A life should be lived in service of others, because we are built to serve. But a life lived to try to please others or make them happy, ends in exhaustion with no one more pleased or happy than when one set out.
By far, the nicest thing about being with Jenn was that I could get away from the hustle and bustle. I could put away the mask that the world wanted me to be or needed me to be. And just be myself. She was a great listener and supportive. But in no way, was it a one sided conversation. She had her own dreams and vision, her own light. And I loved getting a glimpse.
We used to cross the street to the Elementary School near her house, gaze up at the stars and just discuss life. I loved that. Sometimes, we were so cold, but neither of us wanted to be the one to say it first, because it would become a catalyst towards going home and ending the night.
Everyone in the world sees what they want to see. And somehow, I am none of what they see. Jenn saw me and I saw her.
This opportunity in front of me is the chance of a lifetime. Sometimes I feel this is going to be the biggest decision of my life and sometimes I feel that it shouldn't matter what I choose because if Jenn and I were supposed to be together, we would end up together. She left me with this decision, because she said she could never leave her family. The business would never survive without her.
And how do I give up what I have been working the last fifteen years toward. It has been a crazy, run, but maybe it is time to leave it all behind.
I was the hot shot, new kid on the block. Everything I touched, seemed to turn to gold. I graduated top in my class from Harvard business school and made so many connections during school, that there was no way I could possibly fail. I found myself in a small manufacturing firm, that specialized in integrated circuits. Specifications were engineered here in the States, but most of the parts were shipped directly from Taiwan, where they could be made cheaply. Then, they were sold and shipped out around the globe.
Maybe they chose me because I was willing to do the work or maybe it was because I was young, energetic and naive. I would fly back and forth internationally, every other month to broker deals with over seas companies.
We would be wined and dined, because we represented America, the land of streets paved with gold. That is where my morality first took a nose dive. After hour parties with escorts had killed my innocence. I did not want to turn down generous gifts or hospitality or possibly impact a deal that could make or break our company. So I just went with the flow. I never complained, never worried too much about the promotions and firing that happened all around me. I just buckled down and did my work.
I almost lost my career over one particular multi million dollar deal. The biggest order for the company at the time. When the shipment arrived to the destination, some of the parts had defects. The receiving company cancelled the entire order. We promised to give them a discount, send someone out to handle the return and redeliver within two weeks. We could not do it faster because this was one of the largest orders we had ever deliver, possibly the reason for the defects. The receiving company declined and we received no money for the deal. This was devastating to our small company because we spent so much of our resources just to manufacture a single order.
I remember the dread of walking into the meeting room a few days later. Outside, the day looked beautiful. One of the best office views in New York. The sun shone bright on the spotless glass windows. But inside, was gloom. Somber. I was the last person to enter the room. Five suits with eyes on every move I made. I went on to propose a plan to recapture the revenue. The plan included making changes the company had never considered before.
We would use an external company to source the funds and serve as an money broker. They would insure the deals for a percentage of the deal and provide immediate payment, which would help us for the small percentage of deals that went unpaid each year. They would also handle collections at a fraction of the what it cost us internally. We would never ship such a large order any more. For larger orders, we would break them down into smaller shipments and ship as soon as manufacturing completed. This would allow faster delivery instead of having part of the shipment sit around for weeks until the entire order completed. Lastly, we would personally fly out someone from the company to deliver our product on critical deals. My proposal also included a plan to save the company financially, highlighting market trends and where we could focus our energy for growth.
Rather than get fired, my proposal was accepted. I poured all my energy into saving the company. Now, only ten years later, we supply a chip that is in nearly every phone across America. And they asked me to run the company.
I am not sure what to do. Everything has always come easy to me in terms of clarity in my life's direction. But for the first time in my life, I simply don't know what to do. I guess I'll start by getting up, moving one foot in front of the other and grabbing some coffee.
Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright December 2018
