Amy. Miss Amy. Single for years. And frustrated. Frustrated with the lack of masculinity in society. What is it that stole masculinity from society? Was it that the industrial age, took fathers out of their homes so young boys no longer had a role model? Was is the women's rights movement, that somehow emasculated men as women sought equality? What happened to that well groomed man in a suit, who carried honor and chivalry on his shoulders?
Every single man, or boy, as Amy might put it, seemed to be stuck in his teenage years. Either he was a pot head, with all these amazing talents but no motivation to do anything with those talents. Or he was a video game addict. At first, it would be fun with these boys. But deep down, Amy knew, she was just going along with their act, hoping that she could shift them in her direction. Give her something to signal that this was in fact just a phase and that they could switch gears, get more serious about life. If anything, at least give her that deep connection she longed for.
Amy loved romantic comedies and reading up on relationships. Twenty five soul engaging questions and two hours of answering these questions looking directly into each others eyes. Mystically, this would make two people fall in love.
Finally, Amy found a man she could dive deep with. This man was no mama's boy. He didn't waste his time in fantasies. On the other hand, he was pursuing real goals in life. His name was Baldwin. And Baldwin treated Amy better than any man she had ever met before. At first, she was skeptical, wondering, "What does this guy really want?" or "Is he for real?".
Amy would tag along on adventures. Her favorite adventure of all was visiting North Island, Seychelles. They visited for ten days. The food was exquisite. Roasted corn on the cob with Lamb Chops and several sauces to savor each bite. Every meal seemed to be an array of flavors and small samples of a variety of foods. Baldwin threw down the beach blanket like a natural and the arrangements for the picnic by the sunset just seemed so smooth. Amy remembered feeling a little light headed as she giddily swooned Baldwin that evening. She brushed up against him and let her guard completely down.
As they hit the year mark, the lovey dovey fuzzies seemed to start clearing a path to reality. Baldwin was great, but there was just one problem. He had a string of women in his past. Every once in a while, they would contact him. He would be upfront with Amy about it and at first Amy was okay with it and tried to be understanding. However, as they hit the year mark, it started to really eat away at Amy. Was this how it was going to be? Why didn't he end things? Why was he still in contact?
Amy knew that she would have to address the subject. When she approached Baldwin about it, she tried to keep her cool, even though the very subject made her boil inside. Baldwin, told her that he was working on getting over them. He said that he didn't want animosity with anyone and wanted to remain approachable, in case they needed answers or they needed answers. He asked Amy if she could help him through this process and Amy was happy to do so.
The next few months were a little rocky, because for whatever reason that was all Amy could think about. She felt very insecure because she didn't know if she was being too accepting or too demanding. All of her friends agreed with her that there was no reason to be contacting those exes. She just wished, he would finally learn to block those people he wasn't really committed to.
Finally, one evening, Amy brought up the topic again. Her anger was overwhelming. Having discussed this topic at nauseum, many times over several months, Baldwin asked for some space so he could really think about this issue. He too wanted to move forward in life and potentially in the relationship. He admitted he needed to change something but he didn't know what.
On the relationship hiatus, Baldwin did some soul searching. He thought about the relationships in his past. It seemed there were two types of girls. The ones he was wildly crazy about, who didn't seem to treat him very well and he seemed to suffocate. Or they were ones that made him feel really good about himself, because they treated him well. That was good, except, he didn't have those powerful emotions near them but rather, was completely comfortable with them.
He realized, that whenever he took the risk to pursue his dream girl, that dream girl always seemed to break his heart. The way Baldwin responded was to cope with the companionship of the second type of girl. The one who was a great friend. Both Amy and Baldwin knew his reasons for not cutting ties were BS, but finally Baldwin could see it more clearly. Baldwin, having experienced heart ache, kept a safety net. There were two problems with this safety net. The net was an illusion. None of those exes could actually be used to catch Baldwin because they had changed and moved on with their lives. The same problems that caused the break up still existed. And lastly, deep down, Baldwin knew he didn't want to be with any of the women in his net. It was simply a thought he could hold on to when loneliness, feelings of defectiveness or heart ache hit him too hard. The second problem was that this safety net was actually preventing Baldwin from being free and available to attract what he really wanted. It prevented him from working through all of the difficult emotions, processing and resolving them.
The sad thing was that Baldwin realized Amy was that second type of girl. He could spend his life with her and by happy. But he'd never be in love with her. Deep down, he'd always regret not finding that dream girl. Settling.
It wasn't long until Baldwin and Amy broke up. And it wasn't long after that that Baldwin finally blocked Amy, due to the realization that if he wasn't going to chase her full heartedly, he had no business wasting any of her time.
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright January 2019
