Thursday, November 13, 2014

The Abandonment Box

Its all in a box.

Packed away all neat and tidy.

Emotions folded and organized.

I am in such control.

Oh, how sweet I am.

But wait, is that reality?

Or is it that when I actually open the box,

The chaos inside comes flying out.

Like firecrackers and dynamite.

"Those are your thoughts", they say.

"Those are your feelings", they say.

"Keep it to yourself."

So to accommodate, to gain approval,

I use bleach to take out the stains, as if my feelings were somehow wrong.

I place the settings to "Small Load," as if my feelings were no big deal.

I run the quick rinse cycle, instead of taking the time to really do the job.

And then place them on the "High Heat" dry cycle, instead of letting them air dry through the warmth of the sun.

And I quickly fold my emotions back up and put them away.

I am in such control.

Oh, how sweet I am.

And the years pass.

And time flies by.

And my boat cruises through the sea of life.

Until one day, I look back at the wake.

I notice some of the damage I have done.

And wonder how I could be so blind.

Then, I realize I need that box.

I need the pain of abandonment.

I need the fear of my loved ones leaving me.

I need the pain of never gaining the approval of my father.

I need the fear that I will never be accepted because I am different.

I need the pain of never feeling truly loved by my mother.

I need the fear that if others really knew who I was they would not love me.

But if I ignore them, and do not treat them with respect and leave them in the box,

If I do not use them, if I do not process them, if I do not wear them as intended,

My blind spots grow and with them the wake of destruction and damage.

But if I can feel the pain and mourn the loss,

If I can walk through the fear without letting it drive my decisions,

I can become loyal to my loved ones, never leaving them nor forsaking them.

I can let my children know they are my beloved children, with whom I am well pleased.

I can show the love, I never thought possible.


  1. This, My friend, Is the reason I come here and read your stuff and follow your posts where ever you leave them. This is very good. Very very good.

    1. Your comments mean a lot to me @Casey Patrick. Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by, read and comment!