Sunday, March 1, 2015

The Words You'll Never Hear

Dear John,

I'm sorry.  I am so sorry I did not ever take the time to know what was going on inside you.  I was too busy worrying about me and all the things that were inportant to me.

We expect you to go out there a be that warrior and fight and conquer.  We expect you to attack the markets in life, to take on the corporate world, to sacrifice everything you are, to provide for us.

You were so young and you carried that burden.  And you were good at it.  I am so thankful for everything you have done and sacrificed.

And when Amy came into your life, I was so sad and hurt.  But the reality is, you deserve everything you find in her.  Someone to nurse your hurts, to listen to and help carry those emotional burdens.  To nurture your soul.

Everything you find in her, you deserve.  I just wish it could have been me.  I left you alone and cold and that was my fault and I am sorry for that.  Anyone dying like you were would have done the same.  I know you didn't want to leave because you were doing what you felt was right to protect me and the kids.

You are a good man and a good father.  And I understand and do not blame you for having two people tend to your needs.  I feel I have fallen short and don't blame you for getting the care you need.

I want you to be loved and cared for.  I just hope that you can find that love and care in a way that you can be at peace with.  Not for me or your father or your mother.  But for you.


Dear Abby,

While I was busy trying to make a way for our family, you were sneaking behind my back with Mike.  At first, I was so pissed off.  I hated you for betraying my trust.

But now, I feel I understand.  All those arguments we had, I never listened to you.  I never made you feel loved.  I never made you feel understood.

And you were dying for intimacy.  At night, when you wanted to hold me, I was not there.  During days, when you wanted to feel sexy and desirable, I was not there.  I would come home, expect clean clothes, food on the table.  Then, I would go to bed, finish the deed in bed, and fall asleep out of exhaustion.  No thank you.  No gifts to tell you I loved you.  No help around the house.  You did it all.  I am so sorry I did not support you the way you supported me.  You must have felt so alone and separate from the world.  And I put you there.  I did that.

I should have kissed you tenderly when I left.  And when I saw you.  And held you while you cooked.  And helped carry your burdens.  And held you after sex.  And made an effort to dedicate that time.  All that time.  To make you feel special.  You were and still are an amazing wife.  No wonder Mike is in love with you.  You deserve all the attention you get from him.

And worst off, I left you with the scars of me, never resolving my issues with my father.  I drank and forced you to clean up and pick up the pieces of my mess.  And I did not even let you in.  I did not allow you to help me.  You must have felt shut out and disconnected.  But I thought I was supposed to carry it myself.  I am sorry.  I was wrong to think I could carry it myself.

And you even protected me when I beat you.  I am so sorry.  You definitely deserve a man who will care for you and never make such a mistake.  I feel I am losing a great, courageous woman.  But you deserve much more than the shit storm of a life I put you through.


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