How empty is my heart,
It was once so full of love,
My life was filled with joy and dancing and people.
I used to be on top of the world,
Everything I touched simply turned to gold,
I was invincible and could do no wrong.
Yet, now I am a slave to the passions,
I once held in such high esteem,
Led slowly to death,
Like a frog boiled,
By simply increasing some heat over time,
I did not see it coming,
I had no clue.
Bitter, resentment, disappointment fill my mind,
As I weep tears on my pillow,
Night after night,
That leak from my frustrated soul.
All past lovers have abandoned me,
I am left alone with rocks and stones,
My friends are no where to be found,
My family has long been gone.
Those who I would have thought would be there for me,
Yes, they are the very ones who stab my wounds deeper,
They have become ones to avoid,
For the pain is too great to bear.
Faced with this burden,
I continue working,
For this great price I was destined to pay,
I walk through it,
Isolated, alone and afraid,
For all signs of hope,
End up overtaking me,
Anyone who wants to,
Can defeat my aching soul,
And take what they want from me,
I am defenseless,
I am powerless.
Those days once filled with celebration,
Fly by like the sands of time,
My presents are simply boxes and boxes
Filled with anguish and sorrow.
My voice has become quenched,
For no one understands,
My contributions have become vain,
For nothing I do is of value.
My soul is like a tender joint,
That knows no recovery,
My heart is stuck in an endless cycle,
A cycle of despair.
What I used to stand for,
And fight for in valiant ways,
Even the opposite now flows from within me,
As I struggle to keep my head above water.
Simply have no resistance
And can party all night long.
Guilt and shame,
As I ask myself,
"Was it something that I did?"
"Did I bring this on myself?"
Even my children hide from me,
Captive by their own struggles,
And I cannot help.
All I can do is watch on in horror,
As life begins to break them,
Shackling them with the chains
I so desperately tried to keep them from.
All greatness that ever once was,
Everything good within me,
My talents and deeds find no outlet,
I am shattered into a million pieces of me,
I might be able to put together,
If I could only find where I am.
As I wander through the fog,
I remember good memories
And sweet victories of days past,
But now I find no team mates,
To battle life with,
Just those who stand on pedestals,
And smugly smile at my demise.
My mistakes are like a buffet table,
Endless and in clear view,
In transparency, my respect and honor,
Have been traded for disgust and pity,
What can I do but hide away?
As I reflect upon my life,
I recall when mud began clinging to my name,
And all I had worked for was destroyed,
No one was by my side.
My riches and property and belongings
Were dispersed among strangers.
I was left starving and hungry,
I would cherish a simple coffee and fruit and slice of bread,
As it might be my only meal.
Fending for a place to live,
A small corner or crevice to lay my head.
And all I could think was,
"What did I do to deserve this?"
"Does the world hate me?"
Onlookers may have wondered,
Who was this man in this strange place,
As I wandered to and fro.
My bones were tired,
My feet were sore,
And it was as if,
Everything I ever did wrong in my life,
Was strung together,
And placed as weights on my shoulder,
When I could barely even carry myself.
Some wondered why the tears,
Some advised to simply move on,
Some resented my victim mentality.
But all I could do was pray for comfort,
Pray for restoration and healing,
And continue to fight for those depending on me,
And those who might one day be in the same place.
I exhausted all my resources,
Social capital devoured,
And found betrayal in my suffering,
Even my soul could barely find a morsel
To sustain itself.
Attacked by external circumstances,
I naturally turned to my inner strength,
Only to find my heart and mind,
Were just as disturbed,
For I had betrayed myself,
With the ways I had failed,
Even on the inside there was
Both sabotage and rebellion.
Life was hitting hard,
A civil war was wreaking havoc.
As I return to the present,
And reflect upon my reality,
I can say my aches and pains are many,
My heart, mind and soul are faint,
But gratitude fills my heart,
So much gratitude I can't explain,
Not even words can express,
For what is a building without a foundation?
What is the world if not a reflection of within?
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright February 2016