The Color of Life

I lay my back on the cold concrete floor.  Still in my dark grey business suit, now wrinkled from a night of partying in New York.  And I have a decision to make.

Do I move to New York to run this billion dollar company, a chance of a lifetime or move back to Seattle, trying to make a life with Jenn?

Jenn has always been a small town girl.  Nothing fancy about her.  She wasn't like the models that I was used to dating.  The models I dated were beautiful but in general superficial and lacked depth.  In general, into themselves, oblivious to the suffering around them.  And Jenn wasn't like the executives I was used to dating.  Needing to control everything.  A simple spontaneous run to watch a late night movie always became a power struggle.  No way could I get the movie I wanted, the candy I wanted and the popcorn I wanted.  Unless, I was willing to give up rights to a future night.  Though, I did love the perks of being in a part of a power couple, like exquisite dinners by candlelight overlooking the moonlit sea.

No, Jenn was nothing like the fast paced world that I was used to.  She was loyal to her family, putting them always before herself.  It sometimes even made me feel sad, wondering if she would be able to live the life she wanted.

At ten years old, I had made the decision that I couldn't live trying to please others.  It took a battle with suicide to get to that decision, but that is another story.  A life should be lived in service of others, because we are built to serve.  But a life lived to try to please others or make them happy, ends in exhaustion with no one more pleased or happy than when one set out.

By far, the nicest thing about being with Jenn was that I could get away from the hustle and bustle.  I could put away the mask that the world wanted me to be or needed me to be.  And just be myself.  She was a great listener and supportive.  But in no way, was it a one sided conversation.  She had her own dreams and vision, her own light.  And I loved getting a glimpse.

We used to cross the street to the Elementary School near her house, gaze up at the stars and just discuss life.  I loved that.  Sometimes, we were so cold, but neither of us wanted to be the one to say it first, because it would become a catalyst towards going home and ending the night.

Everyone in the world sees what they want to see.  And somehow, I am none of what they see.  Jenn saw me and I saw her.

This opportunity in front of me is the chance of a lifetime.  Sometimes I feel this is going to be the biggest decision of my life and sometimes I feel that it shouldn't matter what I choose because if Jenn and I were supposed to be together, we would end up together.  She left me with this decision, because she said she could never leave her family.  The business would never survive without her.

And how do I give up what I have been working the last fifteen years toward.  It has been a crazy, run, but maybe it is time to leave it all behind.

I was the hot shot, new kid on the block.  Everything I touched, seemed to turn to gold.  I graduated top in my class from Harvard business school and made so many connections during school, that there was no way I could possibly fail.  I found myself in a small manufacturing firm, that specialized in integrated circuits.  Specifications were engineered here in the States, but most of the parts were shipped directly from Taiwan, where they could be made cheaply.  Then, they were sold and shipped out around the globe.

Maybe they chose me because I was willing to do the work or maybe it was because I was young, energetic and naive.  I would fly back and forth internationally, every other month to broker deals with over seas companies.

We would be wined and dined, because we represented America, the land of streets paved with gold.  That is where my morality first took a nose dive.  After hour parties with escorts had killed my innocence.  I did not want to turn down generous gifts or hospitality or possibly impact a deal that could make or break our company.  So I just went with the flow.  I never complained, never worried too much about the promotions and firing that happened all around me.  I just buckled down and did my work.

I almost lost my career over one particular multi million dollar deal.  The biggest order for the company at the time.  When the shipment arrived to the destination, some of the parts had defects.  The receiving company cancelled the entire order.  We promised to give them a discount, send someone out to handle the return and redeliver within two weeks.  We could not do it faster because this was one of the largest orders we had ever deliver, possibly the reason for the defects.  The receiving company declined and we received no money for the deal.  This was devastating to our small company because we spent so much of our resources just to manufacture a single order.

I remember the dread of walking into the meeting room a few days later.  Outside, the day looked beautiful.  One of the best office views in New York.  The sun shone bright on the spotless glass windows.  But inside, was gloom.  Somber.  I was the last person to enter the room.  Five suits with eyes on every move I made.  I went on to propose a plan to recapture the revenue.  The plan included making changes the company had never considered before.

We would use an external company to source the funds and serve as an money broker.  They would insure the deals for a percentage of the deal and provide immediate payment, which would help us for the small percentage of deals that went unpaid each year.  They would also handle collections at a fraction of the what it cost us internally.  We would never ship such a large order any more.  For larger orders, we would break them down into smaller shipments and ship as soon as manufacturing completed.  This would allow faster delivery instead of having part of the shipment sit around for weeks until the entire order completed.  Lastly, we would personally fly out someone from the company to deliver our product on critical deals.  My proposal also included a plan to save the company financially, highlighting market trends and where we could focus our energy for growth.

Rather than get fired, my proposal was accepted.  I poured all my energy into saving the company.  Now, only ten years later, we supply a chip that is in nearly every phone across America.  And they asked me to run the company.

I am not sure what to do.  Everything has always come easy to me in terms of clarity in my life's direction.  But for the first time in my life, I simply don't know what to do.  I guess I'll start by getting up, moving one foot in front of the other and grabbing some coffee.

Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright December 2018

Suicide

Smile on the outside,

Hurtin' on the inside.

Just wake up one day more,

Maybe you'll feel better

You can always do it tomorrow

A ten year old kid,

Wandering the streets

Cause he can't live up to his parent's expectations.

Maybe I'll get lucky and have a car hit me to end it all

Cryin at the kitchen table as the father yells

Like a ghost to the family.

One feels like committing suicide when one only lives trying to please others

Never good enough

Never belonging

Gone in spirit already,

The physical alignment is not much more loss.

Each day a dread

Shouldn't I be more thankful for what I have?

Guilty, the feelings get stuffed back down

Only to fester and mold underneath the surface.

You, paper, are my outlet.

You, counselor, help me find my voice.

A soul ignored and unheard shall beg to die

Help me find my voice.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright Nov 2019

The Void

I feel a void,

Deep within my soul,

A void that only you can fill.

But the depths of the void

Are like a never ending cave

So it is a lie to say its completely filled

More like obscured.

Without you I must live with myself

So much pain and sorrow

A million demons torment me

For they find comfort in the empty space

Should I put the weight of my void on you?

No, only God can handle this.

It is too much to place on any person,

Even a partner.

The demon laughs and taunts,

What is wrong with you?

Frustration cannot even find its way out through tears.

A voice smothered with a thousand hands.

No novacaine, sex, drugs nor alcohol tonight

Just the feeling that may exhaust me to sleep.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright 1111

Abandoned Friendships

They leave a void in your heart

Never knowing if they will return

Leaving you wondering

Did I do something wrong?

Could I have done more?

Desperation fills the mind

Wanting to fight what must be forcibly accepted

Self criticism speaks loud in leiu of the silent response

Chaos circles the mind, a surreal sort of nature

Damaged relationships or those that have been lost

Good memories are all that can be remembered, thought plenty of fights ensued

Shall I accept my seasons of friendship?

Trying to recall the openness of the old soul which birthed the friendship to blossom

Hoping that reconciliation occurs in this life or the next

Subtle rejection and frustration of unbalanced feelings which lack their returned counterparts

I feel abandoned, yet again.

Scott Izu

Copyright August 2018

All's Fair In Love And War

Cause either I'll love you

Or you'll love me

No way that both can be

...

And when my heart is on the line

Broken into a thousand pieces

Every time

...

My heart first broken,

Right before I was high school bound

Look for safety where it can be found

...

Similar to how a big bully

Taught me to treat others with kindness

Rather than have emotions rule me

....

So where is safety found?

The person there to mend my heart

Treated nicely, thats just the start

...

Don't get distracted

By looks and charisma

To soon retracted

...

Don't get so arrogant

Looking for the perfect ten

Ignored as it has always been

...

Avoidance sparks my anxiety,

And the harder I love,

The more you flee

...

To remember what I knew at such a young age

It is like I need a rebreak

Remember those for granted, I take

...

Death to all those lies

Let me see what is before me

Please open my eyes.

...

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright February 2018

Goodbye

I have been here before,

All too clear and in many forms.

Searching for love just for me

Balancing that with what you need.

How can I get too close to you

When I know me could tarnish you

Can I forgive myself and let the past go?

Or is unhealthy all I'll ever know?

...

You say you are okay wanting one thing

But your real desires have a different ring

This battle, this war zone of love

Heart ache, bloodshed, can one rise above?

A premature launch to explore unchartered water

Go back to safety, don't teeter totter.

Oh how the instants of time do they fly.

Subtely do we get so good at goodbye.

...

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright January 2018

GMA

Some will stop and wonder,
How you could be so loved,
But all the while I knew,
You were gifted from above.
...
Some will try to recreate,
But little do they know,
God had promised His patience
Evidenced in His rainbow.
...
If you could only learn to love,
Thats all you gotta do.
Its the message that I hear,
But ever present inside you.
...
Years had passed
Such exercised restraint.
Discriminated, widowed and even starved.
But never a complaint.
...
When all had turned away,
For they dared not even look.
You said let the little children come.
And gave each one a bright new book.
...
Yahtzee queen,
3 of a kind.
A love for games,
A joyous find.
...
Oh how sweet the tangerine.
But more the lemon prepped with care.
Oh how sweet a perfect life
But more the life you chose to bear.
...
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright 2017