Seasons and Stages

Rose grew up in Southern Texas. Her mother and father owned a small ranch. Every morning, she got up early to do her chores. Then, she would go off to school.

In elementary school, she just went through the motions like every other kid. She tried to do what she was supposed to do and did not question anything around her. She was shy because some of the other kids made fun of her but she did not really think much of it.

When she hit middle school, the worst happened. Her mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Her health deteriorated in 6 months and it was a blow that left Rose wondering what just hit her because it all happened too quickly to process.

The next few years, Rose became more filled with solitude. Her world had been shattered and she was left powerless to do anything about it. She would sometimes observe Amy who was pretty and popular and seemed to have the perfect life. The bullying from when she was younger just triggered those hurtful messages that left her removing herself from society to cry to herself in the bathroom. She did not want anyone to have satisfaction of seeing her pain.

Over the years, the once blooming ranch turned sour. The green grass became weeds. The old shed, once beautiful, was now dark with rot, the roof had caved in.  Boards were broken with branches from previous storms poking through. Her once delighted father, struggled to hold a job. He slowly became an alcoholic and a disease had spread through him.

A few weeks after Rose turned 16, the second most devastating thing in her life happened. Her father came home drunk one night, came into her bedroom and raped her. Rose was so shocked and numb, she did not even fight back. In the days that followed, she thought she could ignore the pain of betrayal but the insecurity drove her insane as she tried to pretend it never happened.  A few weeks passed until Rose couldnt take it anymore. She dropped out of high school and ran away to California.

Over the years, she tried to leave the past wounds behind her. The biggest wounds she had were blows from her very own parents. How could life deal her this hand? Didnt she love me enough to fight? How could she leave me? Why did that happen? Was I not good enough? Was I a horrible person? Did I deserve what happened? Do all men just take what they want?

She came to grips with that fact that she was broken and unlovable and life would just not deal her a good hand. Others fell in love but she buried that impossibility so deep since it simply wouldnt happen to her.

Thats when she met Caleb. Caleb seemed like he enjoyed life and was so happy. His smile would be so bright, annoyingly bright. "Like, why is this idiot so happy all the time?"  Somehow, opposites attracted and they became friends. She would ignore him and do her own thing like she always did but his bubbly spirit would come and swing by, smiling, asking her to come hang out with friends.

They did become friends. One night, while they talked alone in the car, she felt an anxiousness as she was drawn to him. It was a painful anxiousness because she had become comfortable just not feeling. Just avoiding. Now, this subtle hope that something good could happen to her, scared her. That maybe she could find love, hurt. She didnt know why she did it, but she leaned over and kissed Caleb. Immediately she regretted it. Im sorry, she uttered. But the feeling just rose up. That feeling that you all of a sudden become aware of a risk that you know you will only have once in a lifetime to take.

She climbed over the seats and kissed Caleb again. Harder this time. She felt his warmth, his body and heat and responses. She took off her shirt and something so natural happened. She pushed her breasts into him. She wanted him to enjoy her body. She wanted to nurture him, to take care of him. That night, they did have sex. It spawed a ten year relationship with kids and pta meetings and soccer games and a normal life.

After two kids and ten years, however, life had taken its toll on the relationship. There was no major catastrophe, no major reason that the beautiful fields of life would slowly deteriorate. They just did until there was no more love in the garden that was no longer tended to.

One morning, Caleb left. No note, no reason. He just left. The third most devastating event of Roses life. At first, she again asked all the questions. She wanted to run away. But over time, she grew angry. She blamed him for leaving and for the hardships she faced as a single mother.

For twenty years, she reverted to what she knew. Ignoring the past because it hurt to much. And trying to just survive.

Then, finally, the fourth and final devastation hit. Rose was diagnosed with the same cancer her mother had. She was given six months to live.

As she lay in her hospital bed, day after day, she was actually thankful that death was arriving. This world was just too painful to deal with. But deep down, she had always known there was a reason she was here, so she never felt like suicide was an option, even though the pain at times was unbearable.

She thought a lot about the major events in her life. She wondered if there was anyway she could have lived better. Done more to deserve more. She thought about how no one has the perfect life. Everyone feels at times like they are unworthy of love, like they are ugly rather than beautiful. That they are powerless against the evil that reigns. That her mother, her father, Caleb, they did not mean to hurt her.

For the first time, as ugly as their betrayals, she realized that they did what they did in response to brokeness inside themselves. And she truly believed if they knew, what their actions did to her. How much hurt it caused them, then they wouldnt have done it. She only knew this because her time on her deathbed had caused her to think of some of the devastating blows she had delivered. To close friends she met, to her own children even. And sorrow filled her heart. She used to justify that she was different. Pride snuck into her and she convinced herself that what she had done to hurt others was in no way comparable to what God, life and men had done to her. But as she lay there, too tired to wrestle anymore, she final lay down the burdens she chose to carry for a lifetime.

She had to be honest with herself and she knew she breathed as much evil into the world due to her own hurts. But she was okay with it, because she did the best she could and breathed a lot of good into the world too. She did the best she could and no single person could do more than that. There is no more than the best you could do. And she realized, the true enemy was not God or her father, or Caleb, but the devil himself. For the first time, she accepted all that was and surprisingly wouldnt change a single moment or second of the life she had been given. She felt the beauty of life, and seasons pass through her. With everything stripped away, her soul alone, she felt loved for the first time in her life. And the bright light called as an overwhelming peace overcame her. She close her eyes and passed.

Intertwined

Rob and Marci were meant to be together.  They just were.  Rob was the star basketball player.  He was athletic and smart and funny.

Marci was shy and reserved.  She liked her books and became a safe place for Rob where he could hide away from the troubles of life.  A picnic in the park, a ride to the beach.

For three years, it seemed like the two were inseparable.  They partied together, explored together, ate together and travelled together.

But as life's calling egged them onto a different stage in life, they found themselves trying to become more established.

It was at that point that Rob and Marci started to drift apart.  Their life goals and search for meaning and more, caused them to go their separate ways.  Throughout the years, they both thought about each other, but once that season is over, it seems no matter how much something is forced, it is like destiny himself is battling to keep the two away.

Their life would drift into each others without even knowing it.  Rob would be at a coffee shop in Miami, after a cruise docked.  Marci would be parked right next door getting her suits pressed for the morning meeting.

Marci would go visit her parents and pick something up from the grociery store and Rob would be in the next eisle over.

Yet, the two never ran into each other.

Both had become widely successful, gotten married, had two kids and gotten divorced.

It just seemed life would never grant them what they discovered so early on.  Too bad, they did not even know what they had.

Old hurts would cause a little fizzle to die out, when they did reach out to each other.  Its the toxicity of leaving once or scarring once the embeds the doubt that can never be overcome.  Some people do it.  They leave, then come back only to find the same issues and challenges and leave again, deeping the wound.  So the two would never be together.

They ended up reasonably happy and found someone to settle with.  Not quite the same passion, desire, connection.  But a learned love that was just as deep and companionship for the lives they chose to lead.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright September 2019

The Yard House

Cold stone steps

Wind against my heart

Sand drifting through space

Slowly painting out history

The death of loss

It happened six months ago

But finally I feel it

Stay strong for everyone else

A state of fog, shock and disbelief

Handle what needs to be done

Though I was torn inside

A warm memory sneaks in my mind

With vivid clarity

When we first met

You picked me up in your arms

Dragons breath sweet milk

Electric box of loneliness

The stars seem to understand

Shed a tear for the river flows

There comes a breaking point

Where the soul can never mend

...

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright August 2019

Peace In All

Rides to save me

Company to sober me

Sweaters to warm me

Massages to relax me

Smiles to accompany me

Hamburgers to feed me

Parties to engage me

...

Such good memories

Such a great gift

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright 2019

An Empty Seat

I have an empty seat in front of me,

A beautiful night in a beautiful life,

But no companion to share it with.

I have tried a million times to fill that seat.

But like the empty void in me,

It never gets filled.

Or at least remains that way.

It starts out great.

But it is always the same.

I am high off of hope.

But eventually,

I find myself wanting more.

And this is coupled with new responsibilities,

I am unable to fulfill.

I have no power to make someone else happy.

Or fill their void.

Trust me,

I have tried.

Desperately tried.

I guess wanting more comes from both sides.

How can one put in the energy into a new potential?

When the sting of the past remains present.

I guess,

I am still not ready.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD

Copyright June 2019

Dark Caverns

Sleepless nights,

Am I a good mother?

Could I have done more?

What did I do wrong?

Where did I go wrong?

How did I miss the signs?

We went for help,

But it was too late.

Thanksgiving without him

Because he was in a rehabilitation clinic

Alcohol.

Then, locked up for nine months.

I couldn't see my baby boy in that place.

When he came home,

I thanked God that he was safe again.

Guilty, because I had my other kids.

My other responsibilities.

The first time he slit his wrists,

He was only 15 years old.

Then, he popped pills.

Hospital visits.

He finally succeeded.

And I have failed.

Now, I wear black.

The pain in my chest

Its going to explode.

I scream and cry and can't escape.

Each day I get up,

The world is different

Depression is real

And it took my baby boy.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright 2019

Adventures of Night Diving

Waves crashing,

Heightened breathing,

Salt water gags my throat

To fill a bag with treasure

Carried twenty feet across the rocks

Pushed this way and that

Physical exhaustion coupled with an empty bag

Disappointment and frustration

But every dive, a new lesson, a new beauty

Recovered and shed the extra pounds,

Rid of expectations and goals

Focusing on enjoyment and exploration

Calmness resurges

Heart beat slows

One breath hold lasts a lifetime

No urgency to get back to the bottom

A sheepshead but no need to shoot it

Combing the reef for hours

Then comes the miraculous four and a half inch lobster!

<SI> Scott Izu , PhD

Copyright March 2019