An Empty Seat

I have an empty seat in front of me,

A beautiful night in a beautiful life,

But no companion to share it with.

I have tried a million times to fill that seat.

But like the empty void in me,

It never gets filled.

Or at least remains that way.

It starts out great.

But it is always the same.

I am high off of hope.

But eventually,

I find myself wanting more.

And this is coupled with new responsibilities,

I am unable to fulfill.

I have no power to make someone else happy.

Or fill their void.

Trust me,

I have tried.

Desperately tried.

I guess wanting more comes from both sides.

How can one put in the energy into a new potential?

When the sting of the past remains present.

I guess,

I am still not ready.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD

Copyright June 2019

Dark Caverns

Sleepless nights,

Am I a good mother?

Could I have done more?

What did I do wrong?

Where did I go wrong?

How did I miss the signs?

We went for help,

But it was too late.

Thanksgiving without him

Because he was in a rehabilitation clinic

Alcohol.

Then, locked up for nine months.

I couldn't see my baby boy in that place.

When he came home,

I thanked God that he was safe again.

Guilty, because I had my other kids.

My other responsibilities.

The first time he slit his wrists,

He was only 15 years old.

Then, he popped pills.

Hospital visits.

He finally succeeded.

And I have failed.

Now, I wear black.

The pain in my chest

Its going to explode.

I scream and cry and can't escape.

Each day I get up,

The world is different

Depression is real

And it took my baby boy.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright 2019

Adventures of Night Diving

Waves crashing,

Heightened breathing,

Salt water gags my throat

To fill a bag with treasure

Carried twenty feet across the rocks

Pushed this way and that

Physical exhaustion coupled with an empty bag

Disappointment and frustration

But every dive, a new lesson, a new beauty

Recovered and shed the extra pounds,

Rid of expectations and goals

Focusing on enjoyment and exploration

Calmness resurges

Heart beat slows

One breath hold lasts a lifetime

No urgency to get back to the bottom

A sheepshead but no need to shoot it

Combing the reef for hours

Then comes the miraculous four and a half inch lobster!

<SI> Scott Izu , PhD

Copyright March 2019

3 Months of a New Year

I wake up groggy and slow,

I stare at your hair,

The empty space that is there,

Each day that goes by,

Reminds me of a lifetime ago.

Have you moved on?

Its no longer my place to know.

Where do these questions go?

The ones that wish to know someone.

To be close to someone.

To know their goals and dreams.

Facebook, Messenger, Instagram

Friends of friends,

Each day gets easier

Yet everyday the same.

Mornings of clarity,

Nights of wrestling.

Living in this bi polar being

Split by various incongruent desires.

Figments of my imagination

And remembering the past

All the things people are aware of

Yet never conveyed to me,

Only subtley enough

That my intuition

Was forced to pick it up

Yet could not define it

Leaving no room for ignorant bliss

Makes me doubt

What is reality?

What is truth?

As I take a leap onto not so solid ground

And my world quakes

Or is this leaving a fantasy

And walking on solid ground?

Insanity.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright March 2019

The Safety Net

Amy.  Miss Amy.  Single for years.  And frustrated.  Frustrated with the lack of masculinity in society.  What is it that stole masculinity from society?  Was it that the industrial age, took fathers out of their homes so young boys no longer had a role model?  Was is the women's rights movement, that somehow emasculated men as women sought equality?  What happened to that well groomed man in a suit, who carried honor and chivalry on his shoulders?

Every single man, or boy, as Amy might put it, seemed to be stuck in his teenage years.  Either he was a pot head, with all these amazing talents but no motivation to do anything with those talents.  Or he was a video game addict.  At first, it would be fun with these boys.  But deep down, Amy knew, she was just going along with their act, hoping that she could shift them in her direction.  Give her something to signal that this was in fact just a phase and that they could switch gears, get more serious about life.  If anything, at least give her that deep connection she longed for.

Amy loved romantic comedies and reading up on relationships.  Twenty five soul engaging questions and two hours of answering these questions looking directly into each others eyes.  Mystically, this would make two people fall in love.

Finally, Amy found a man she could dive deep with.  This man was no mama's boy.  He didn't waste his time in fantasies.  On the other hand, he was pursuing real goals in life.  His name was Baldwin.  And Baldwin treated Amy better than any man she had ever met before.  At first, she was skeptical, wondering, "What does this guy really want?" or "Is he for real?".

Amy would tag along on adventures.  Her favorite adventure of all was visiting North Island, Seychelles.  They visited for ten days.  The food was exquisite.  Roasted corn on the cob with Lamb Chops and several sauces to savor each bite.  Every meal seemed to be an array of flavors and small samples of a variety of foods.  Baldwin threw down the beach blanket like a natural and the arrangements for the picnic by the sunset just seemed so smooth.  Amy remembered feeling a little light headed as she giddily swooned Baldwin that evening.  She brushed up against him and let her guard completely down.

As they hit the year mark, the lovey dovey fuzzies seemed to start clearing a path to reality.  Baldwin was great, but there was just one problem.  He had a string of women in his past.  Every once in a while, they would contact him.  He would be upfront with Amy about it and at first Amy was okay with it and tried to be understanding.  However, as they hit the year mark, it started to really eat away at Amy.  Was this how it was going to be?  Why didn't he end things?  Why was he still in contact?

Amy knew that she would have to address the subject.  When she approached Baldwin about it, she tried to keep her cool, even though the very subject made her boil inside.  Baldwin, told her that he was working on getting over them.  He said that he didn't want animosity with anyone and wanted to remain approachable, in case they needed answers or they needed answers.  He asked Amy if she could help him through this process and Amy was happy to do so.

The next few months were a little rocky, because for whatever reason that was all Amy could think about.  She felt very insecure because she didn't know if she was being too accepting or too demanding.  All of her friends agreed with her that there was no reason to be contacting those exes.  She just wished, he would finally learn to block those people he wasn't really committed to.

Finally, one evening, Amy brought up the topic again.  Her anger was overwhelming.  Having discussed this topic at nauseum, many times over several months, Baldwin asked for some space so he could really think about this issue.  He too wanted to move forward in life and potentially in the relationship.  He admitted he needed to change something but he didn't know what.

On the relationship hiatus, Baldwin did some soul searching.  He thought about the relationships in his past.  It seemed there were two types of girls.  The ones he was wildly crazy about, who didn't seem to treat him very well and he seemed to suffocate.  Or they were ones that made him feel really good about himself, because they treated him well.  That was good, except, he didn't have those powerful emotions near them but rather, was completely comfortable with them.

He realized, that whenever he took the risk to pursue his dream girl, that dream girl always seemed to break his heart.  The way Baldwin responded was to cope with the companionship of the second type of girl.  The one who was a great friend.  Both Amy and Baldwin knew his reasons for not cutting ties were BS, but finally Baldwin could see it more clearly.  Baldwin, having experienced heart ache, kept a safety net.  There were two problems with this safety net.  The net was an illusion.  None of those exes could actually be used to catch Baldwin because they had changed and moved on with their lives.  The same problems that caused the break up still existed.  And lastly, deep down, Baldwin knew he didn't want to be with any of the women in his net.  It was simply a thought he could hold on to when loneliness, feelings of defectiveness or heart ache hit him too hard.  The second problem was that this safety net was actually preventing Baldwin from being free and available to attract what he really wanted.  It prevented him from working through all of the difficult emotions, processing and resolving them.

The sad thing was that Baldwin realized Amy was that second type of girl.  He could spend his life with her and by happy.  But he'd never be in love with her.  Deep down, he'd always regret not finding that dream girl.  Settling.

It wasn't long until Baldwin and Amy broke up.  And it wasn't long after that that Baldwin finally blocked Amy, due to the realization that if he wasn't going to chase her full heartedly, he had no business wasting any of her time.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright January 2019

The Love of My Life

Everyone has a dream.  My dream was this.  That I would marry my high school girlfriend.

No one impacted me ever again quite like you.  Every time I have love and lost, I retrace my steps through my deepest loves.

They go all the way back to my puppy love.  My puppy love was more like a good friend.  We never even kissed.  When she broke my heart,  You were there to pick up the pieces.

Remember the Sandie Hawkins dance.  The brown reversible puffy jackets.  Yeah, I kept those for years after, well into my marriage.

You represent my biggest mistake.  A mistake that I never even acknowledged or learned from as you put it, until you decided you never wanted to speak to me again.  My life lives the irony of not learning until people finally decide to keep me accountable.  Hit that deep abandonment wound.  Forgiveness has found a way to enable me somehow.  Fear of abandonment.  Fear of being alone.  Fear of losing my best friend.  I couldn't just sit around and let it happen, so I self sabotaged.  It goes even deeper than that.  Low self esteem and self worth so I can't actually allow myself to have something good. You were right, I didn't learn.  Because you forgave me, I learned the wrong lesson.  I learned to hide instead of to do what is right.  I learned to lie instead of to be honest.

Your dad was my hero.  He is the reason I am who I am today.  How could I be paralyzed by getting kicked out of my home and starting from scratch when he had to leave the country.  Learning math, though he hated math.  Learning computer science, though he hated computer science.  Then, he found an apartment for me when I couldn't find one.  He paid a few months rent to make sure I had a home.  I felt horrible when I wasn't good enough for his little girl.

Remember watching Jurassic Park.  I annoyed you so much that day.  I'm sorry.

Titanic and Elle magazine.  You made me secretly love both.  Shh.  Don't tell my guy friends.

You were my only visitor in the dreadful place of Utah.  I had to hide your clothes and sneak you in and out everywhere.  I broke the washing machine.  But we made a midnight run for a half gallon of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream and I rode you and Alane on my bike.

Remember when I came over for a week and hid in your closet?  I thought I would be in so much trouble when I finally arrived home and it was devastating to know that no one even noticed I was gone.  That was life growing up.  I stole $25 from my older brother, went to Target several miles away, bought some toys, got lost on the way home, asking a stranger if they knew where I lived, then arrived home thinking I would get in trouble but no one even noticed.  No one ever noticed.  You had to be my girlfriend and my mother, making me ground beef, tomatoes and rice or lap sung.

Remember roller blading on the tennis courts.  You'd always pretend to fall and take me down with you.  So smooth.

The car accident, totaling the mustang.  Just a couple bruised knees but we were okay.  Riding to the beach with the top down, playing children and Depeche Mode.  I want somebody to love, love me passionately.  Know my inner most thoughts.  Know my intimate details.  Beautiful words.

Junior Prom.  What a great adventure.  Grabbing the cabin near Santa Cruz.  I think about it every time I drive up the 1.  Was it Bonny Doon road?  Getting a flat, almost missing our prom, puncturing my foot and jogging a half mile to get a tractor to pull us out.  My top hat, braids and cane.  I felt like the million dollar man with you by my side.

Every lunch break, I'd rest my head on your legs.  Almost as if I owned you, I'd make sure everyone knew you were mine.  Most importantly, I knew you were mine.  Thank you for making me feel secure.

Precious.  That was like our little baby.  I remember disciplining her.  I always thought that one day, it wouldn't just be a dog.  It would be a real baby.

Remember getting scam letters of becoming a millionaire.  We believed it and that life would actually allow us to be together.

Hanging out near the Physics room, at the movie theaters at the swimming pool in your UC Davis apartment.  That's when I first started going places just to feel connected to a lost love.  The swimming pool near Lanview.  Going up to UC Davis.

You believed in me.  I'm so thankful for that.  You already predicted that my goals of going to UC Berkeley and teaching college level math would one day come true.

You wrote the most amazing letters.  My high school yearbook, which I only have today because my mother never let me throw it out.  Maybe that's why I couldn't move on, because one is supposed to burn every single thing, to keep them from holding on.  The letters we exchanged even when I was married.  I loved writing.  I lost my passion for many years.

20 years later and I still sob.  Probably, because my MO was to stuff it and keep going.  Jump into another relationship quickly.  Never actually sit with the physical pain.  The pain that seeps into the lower left rib and doesn't allow you to breathe.  How can one forget how to breathe?

I'm glad you had your one child, which you always wanted.  Your career which was incredible to see how determined you were to make it.  You always were kinda stuck in how things should be done.  Remember when you pulled out from school, pissed at the driver who didn't wait for you and then got pissed at the next car who you needed to pull out because they thought you would wait for them.

Fourth grade.  You had the same demeanor about you.  I was just this goofy, dorky space cadet, in my own world.  Annoying boys.

Physics class.  George Shuttinger.  The reason I went into signal processing at UC Berkeley.  We would always poke fun at him and he was always so delighted.  We studied so hard together and your notes were so well color coordinated with different color pens for different types of information.  We had so much fun in that class.  All the contests and competitions.

Lam, Kim, me and you.  We were four peas in a pod.

I wrote my first songs on the piano for you.  Midnights of madness, you held me in your arms.  All of my passion and all of your charms.  Why don't you come back to me, I'll show you the way.

You didn't even believe what I believed but you supported me in my spiritual walk.  Trying to understand morality and where I fit in with it.  Teenage years were confusing and religion made it even more confusing.  It was then that I formulated my beliefs that still hold true today.  Though a whole other element has come alive for me today, to see it as living water.

Thanks for making me feel like I belonged.  Thanks for giving your whole heart.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright January 2019

The Color of Life

I lay my back on the cold concrete floor.  Still in my dark grey business suit, now wrinkled from a night of partying in New York.  And I have a decision to make.

Do I move to New York to run this billion dollar company, a chance of a lifetime or move back to Seattle, trying to make a life with Jenn?

Jenn has always been a small town girl.  Nothing fancy about her.  She wasn't like the models that I was used to dating.  The models I dated were beautiful but in general superficial and lacked depth.  In general, into themselves, oblivious to the suffering around them.  And Jenn wasn't like the executives I was used to dating.  Needing to control everything.  A simple spontaneous run to watch a late night movie always became a power struggle.  No way could I get the movie I wanted, the candy I wanted and the popcorn I wanted.  Unless, I was willing to give up rights to a future night.  Though, I did love the perks of being in a part of a power couple, like exquisite dinners by candlelight overlooking the moonlit sea.

No, Jenn was nothing like the fast paced world that I was used to.  She was loyal to her family, putting them always before herself.  It sometimes even made me feel sad, wondering if she would be able to live the life she wanted.

At ten years old, I had made the decision that I couldn't live trying to please others.  It took a battle with suicide to get to that decision, but that is another story.  A life should be lived in service of others, because we are built to serve.  But a life lived to try to please others or make them happy, ends in exhaustion with no one more pleased or happy than when one set out.

By far, the nicest thing about being with Jenn was that I could get away from the hustle and bustle.  I could put away the mask that the world wanted me to be or needed me to be.  And just be myself.  She was a great listener and supportive.  But in no way, was it a one sided conversation.  She had her own dreams and vision, her own light.  And I loved getting a glimpse.

We used to cross the street to the Elementary School near her house, gaze up at the stars and just discuss life.  I loved that.  Sometimes, we were so cold, but neither of us wanted to be the one to say it first, because it would become a catalyst towards going home and ending the night.

Everyone in the world sees what they want to see.  And somehow, I am none of what they see.  Jenn saw me and I saw her.

This opportunity in front of me is the chance of a lifetime.  Sometimes I feel this is going to be the biggest decision of my life and sometimes I feel that it shouldn't matter what I choose because if Jenn and I were supposed to be together, we would end up together.  She left me with this decision, because she said she could never leave her family.  The business would never survive without her.

And how do I give up what I have been working the last fifteen years toward.  It has been a crazy, run, but maybe it is time to leave it all behind.

I was the hot shot, new kid on the block.  Everything I touched, seemed to turn to gold.  I graduated top in my class from Harvard business school and made so many connections during school, that there was no way I could possibly fail.  I found myself in a small manufacturing firm, that specialized in integrated circuits.  Specifications were engineered here in the States, but most of the parts were shipped directly from Taiwan, where they could be made cheaply.  Then, they were sold and shipped out around the globe.

Maybe they chose me because I was willing to do the work or maybe it was because I was young, energetic and naive.  I would fly back and forth internationally, every other month to broker deals with over seas companies.

We would be wined and dined, because we represented America, the land of streets paved with gold.  That is where my morality first took a nose dive.  After hour parties with escorts had killed my innocence.  I did not want to turn down generous gifts or hospitality or possibly impact a deal that could make or break our company.  So I just went with the flow.  I never complained, never worried too much about the promotions and firing that happened all around me.  I just buckled down and did my work.

I almost lost my career over one particular multi million dollar deal.  The biggest order for the company at the time.  When the shipment arrived to the destination, some of the parts had defects.  The receiving company cancelled the entire order.  We promised to give them a discount, send someone out to handle the return and redeliver within two weeks.  We could not do it faster because this was one of the largest orders we had ever deliver, possibly the reason for the defects.  The receiving company declined and we received no money for the deal.  This was devastating to our small company because we spent so much of our resources just to manufacture a single order.

I remember the dread of walking into the meeting room a few days later.  Outside, the day looked beautiful.  One of the best office views in New York.  The sun shone bright on the spotless glass windows.  But inside, was gloom.  Somber.  I was the last person to enter the room.  Five suits with eyes on every move I made.  I went on to propose a plan to recapture the revenue.  The plan included making changes the company had never considered before.

We would use an external company to source the funds and serve as an money broker.  They would insure the deals for a percentage of the deal and provide immediate payment, which would help us for the small percentage of deals that went unpaid each year.  They would also handle collections at a fraction of the what it cost us internally.  We would never ship such a large order any more.  For larger orders, we would break them down into smaller shipments and ship as soon as manufacturing completed.  This would allow faster delivery instead of having part of the shipment sit around for weeks until the entire order completed.  Lastly, we would personally fly out someone from the company to deliver our product on critical deals.  My proposal also included a plan to save the company financially, highlighting market trends and where we could focus our energy for growth.

Rather than get fired, my proposal was accepted.  I poured all my energy into saving the company.  Now, only ten years later, we supply a chip that is in nearly every phone across America.  And they asked me to run the company.

I am not sure what to do.  Everything has always come easy to me in terms of clarity in my life's direction.  But for the first time in my life, I simply don't know what to do.  I guess I'll start by getting up, moving one foot in front of the other and grabbing some coffee.

Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright December 2018