Disappointment

You are the hand that feeds me,

I let you down.

You gave me strength when I had none,

You housed me when I had no home,

You cared for me.

I let you down.

I should have known better,

I saw the signs,

I knew what I was doing,

And now, I have let you down.

There is no joy to escape the pain,

No false reality to cope,

Just a gut wrenching pain.

I let you down.

Stack it onto the ever growing heap.

You mirror my inner authority.

That looks at it all and realizes...

I let myself down.

The Firey Inferno

Her eyes are like starlight,

A magnificent galaxy,

With a smooth stone interior,

Exuding a blazing fire.

It encapulates, engulfs and captivates attention.

Her warm, soft lips,

Like chocolate, that melts in your mouth.

The European kind with just a hint of sweetness.

Her hands, gentle and inviting,

They melt the coldest heart.

And bring youth to these old hands.

Where has my love gone?

To which galaxy has she fled.

She must be supernatural.

Oh yes, oh yes,

Land here once more.

Me, Myself and I, The Murderer

It was twelve years ago today.

I wish I could have seen it coming...

For all the abuse, for all the isolation, for all the rejection.

I murdered him.

I hated him and I murdered him.

And because of it, I now hate myself.

I can see how I want to ignore it.

I wish I never loaded the gun.

I wish I never pulled the trigger.

I wish I could have seen it coming.

I wish I could turn back the clock.

But I cant.

All I can feel is pain.

I tried to get revenge out of desperation to escape the pain.

But it backfired.

And now, I am caged in by the madness I have created.

The Titanic

Our ship appeared beautiful and gorgeous,

A well performing unit,

A picture perfect life,

But when the iceberg tested the ship's might in the darkness,

The true colors were revealed.

We were left exhausted and stranded,

Drowning and at the mercy of the deep blue,

And as I swam to my mother to try to keep from drowning,

She pushed me away for fear that she would soon perish.

And as I reached for my father,

A similar situation occured.

Luckily, the life boats eventually came, but could not carry us all.

And exhausted and weak, one by one my family was rescued.

And they needed medical attention and healing so they committed to never return.

As if a curse was laid down, we were scattered among nations.

And as this occurred, I made certain vows and created certain defensive strategies.

This is how I survived.

And once in a while, I still feel the pain.

And in that moment, I can do one of two things.

I can live, breath and sweat pain in reality.

Or I can elaborate in my mind, a fantasy.

And while I know it would be wrong as a reality,

I can justify the lack of harm as long as it remains a fantasy.

But I find, that the more mental focus I place,

The more my reality becomes distorted, aligning with my original fantasy.

It is as if my mind is so powerful that it can attract the imaginary into the universe.

And then, unexpectedly, I find myself, in the midst of a situation,

A situation which I never intended to really exist.

And I have no control or power.

Reason was abandoned long before.

I become a character in a play,

Drawn to the previously scripted destiny.

Except that this play, has no ending.

And when the script ends, I am left with a brutal reality.

Even more pain.

Even more anger.

Even deeper vows.

This is how I survive.

The Vineyard

One day I woke up,

And looked out at my vineyard.

And to my dismay,

I saw poisonous fruit.

And my first reaction,

Was to purify my vineyard.

So I began cleaning.

And I chopped and I chopped.

But the more I tried,

The more I discovered the problem came from the roots.

And so I began pulling at the roots.

And what I saw was terrifying.

It was hideous and ugly.

It was a tangled web and I had lost all hope.

I came to the conclusion that the only way to obtain a pure vineyard was to leave the plot of land completely.

So frustrated, scared and I tired, I ran.

I ran as far as I could.

I became a foreigner, a beggar, looking for scraps from the table.

But at least I had a small plot of land I could call my own,

Where I could replant and start anew.

So I began planting and working.

I used everything I could.

I worked night and day using all the knowledge I had to ensure my plot would be clean.

But soon enough, early signs of the harvest began to appear.

The problem was that the seeds for my new vineyard came from my old vineyard.

And the seeds all looked the same.

I realized that my new vineyard was destined to turn out like my old vineyard.

And not only that.

I spent so much time focusing on the poisonous fruit,

That I had forgotten to harvest all the good fruit.

So I returned to my vineyard.

And things had become worse.

Weeds had grown,

Some of the good fruit had gone bad,

And the poisonous roots were infecting the good roots.

But I knew, what needed to be done.

I knew that harvest was the time to purify the vineyard.

I knew that identifying and remembering where and how the seeds were originally planted was the key to my success.

I knew that going through the difficult process and facing the dangers head on would build confidence, character and wisdom.

And if I worked hard and was consistent and employed the help of others,

Each year, slowly, gradually,

The poison would eventually be destroyed.

The Abandonment Box

Its all in a box.

Packed away all neat and tidy.

Emotions folded and organized.

I am in such control.

Oh, how sweet I am.

But wait, is that reality?

Or is it that when I actually open the box,

The chaos inside comes flying out.

Like firecrackers and dynamite.

"Those are your thoughts", they say.

"Those are your feelings", they say.

"Keep it to yourself."

So to accommodate, to gain approval,

I use bleach to take out the stains, as if my feelings were somehow wrong.

I place the settings to "Small Load," as if my feelings were no big deal.

I run the quick rinse cycle, instead of taking the time to really do the job.

And then place them on the "High Heat" dry cycle, instead of letting them air dry through the warmth of the sun.

And I quickly fold my emotions back up and put them away.

I am in such control.

Oh, how sweet I am.

And the years pass.

And time flies by.

And my boat cruises through the sea of life.

Until one day, I look back at the wake.

I notice some of the damage I have done.

And wonder how I could be so blind.

Then, I realize I need that box.

I need the pain of abandonment.

I need the fear of my loved ones leaving me.

I need the pain of never gaining the approval of my father.

I need the fear that I will never be accepted because I am different.

I need the pain of never feeling truly loved by my mother.

I need the fear that if others really knew who I was they would not love me.

But if I ignore them, and do not treat them with respect and leave them in the box,

If I do not use them, if I do not process them, if I do not wear them as intended,

My blind spots grow and with them the wake of destruction and damage.

But if I can feel the pain and mourn the loss,

If I can walk through the fear without letting it drive my decisions,

I can become loyal to my loved ones, never leaving them nor forsaking them.

I can let my children know they are my beloved children, with whom I am well pleased.

I can show the love, I never thought possible.

Time Warp

He turned back the hands of time.

Twenty years later,

He brought me back ten years to University,

Then walked me back to time at college,

Then took me to my place of birth,

So I could finally leave on my own valition.

He turned back the hands of time.

He took me to my reckless youth,

To face the demons I once faced,

To stand before the novacaine of codependence,

And the healing of independence,

So I could finally choose the path of healing.

He turned back the hands of time.

He brought me back into love,

He reopened my heart to the complexities that love encompasses,

To leave me vulnerable,

So I could finally see what love is.

He turned back the hands of time.

He brought me back to the lonely child,

Feeling helpless to defend my mom,

Feeling unimportant to my loved ones,

And miraculously reversed the roles,

Finally, allowing me to rewrite history.