Suicide

Smile on the outside,

Hurtin' on the inside.

Just wake up one day more,

Maybe you'll feel better

You can always do it tomorrow

A ten year old kid,

Wandering the streets

Cause he can't live up to his parent's expectations.

Maybe I'll get lucky and have a car hit me to end it all

Cryin at the kitchen table as the father yells

Like a ghost to the family.

One feels like committing suicide when one only lives trying to please others

Never good enough

Never belonging

Gone in spirit already,

The physical alignment is not much more loss.

Each day a dread

Shouldn't I be more thankful for what I have?

Guilty, the feelings get stuffed back down

Only to fester and mold underneath the surface.

You, paper, are my outlet.

You, counselor, help me find my voice.

A soul ignored and unheard shall beg to die

Help me find my voice.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright Nov 2019

The Void

I feel a void,

Deep within my soul,

A void that only you can fill.

But the depths of the void

Are like a never ending cave

So it is a lie to say its completely filled

More like obscured.

Without you I must live with myself

So much pain and sorrow

A million demons torment me

For they find comfort in the empty space

Should I put the weight of my void on you?

No, only God can handle this.

It is too much to place on any person,

Even a partner.

The demon laughs and taunts,

What is wrong with you?

Frustration cannot even find its way out through tears.

A voice smothered with a thousand hands.

No novacaine, sex, drugs nor alcohol tonight

Just the feeling that may exhaust me to sleep.

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright 1111

Abandoned Friendships

They leave a void in your heart

Never knowing if they will return

Leaving you wondering

Did I do something wrong?

Could I have done more?

Desperation fills the mind

Wanting to fight what must be forcibly accepted

Self criticism speaks loud in leiu of the silent response

Chaos circles the mind, a surreal sort of nature

Damaged relationships or those that have been lost

Good memories are all that can be remembered, thought plenty of fights ensued

Shall I accept my seasons of friendship?

Trying to recall the openness of the old soul which birthed the friendship to blossom

Hoping that reconciliation occurs in this life or the next

Subtle rejection and frustration of unbalanced feelings which lack their returned counterparts

I feel abandoned, yet again.

Scott Izu

Copyright August 2018

All's Fair In Love And War

Cause either I'll love you

Or you'll love me

No way that both can be

...

And when my heart is on the line

Broken into a thousand pieces

Every time

...

My heart first broken,

Right before I was high school bound

Look for safety where it can be found

...

Similar to how a big bully

Taught me to treat others with kindness

Rather than have emotions rule me

....

So where is safety found?

The person there to mend my heart

Treated nicely, thats just the start

...

Don't get distracted

By looks and charisma

To soon retracted

...

Don't get so arrogant

Looking for the perfect ten

Ignored as it has always been

...

Avoidance sparks my anxiety,

And the harder I love,

The more you flee

...

To remember what I knew at such a young age

It is like I need a rebreak

Remember those for granted, I take

...

Death to all those lies

Let me see what is before me

Please open my eyes.

...

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright February 2018

Goodbye

I have been here before,

All too clear and in many forms.

Searching for love just for me

Balancing that with what you need.

How can I get too close to you

When I know me could tarnish you

Can I forgive myself and let the past go?

Or is unhealthy all I'll ever know?

...

You say you are okay wanting one thing

But your real desires have a different ring

This battle, this war zone of love

Heart ache, bloodshed, can one rise above?

A premature launch to explore unchartered water

Go back to safety, don't teeter totter.

Oh how the instants of time do they fly.

Subtely do we get so good at goodbye.

...

<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright January 2018

GMA

Some will stop and wonder,
How you could be so loved,
But all the while I knew,
You were gifted from above.
...
Some will try to recreate,
But little do they know,
God had promised His patience
Evidenced in His rainbow.
...
If you could only learn to love,
Thats all you gotta do.
Its the message that I hear,
But ever present inside you.
...
Years had passed
Such exercised restraint.
Discriminated, widowed and even starved.
But never a complaint.
...
When all had turned away,
For they dared not even look.
You said let the little children come.
And gave each one a bright new book.
...
Yahtzee queen,
3 of a kind.
A love for games,
A joyous find.
...
Oh how sweet the tangerine.
But more the lemon prepped with care.
Oh how sweet a perfect life
But more the life you chose to bear.
...
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright 2017

Unseen

Who is the one who is the greatest?
Is it the one who showers Facebook with posts of me, me, me?
It is only until I see you, that I realize I am too much me.
...
In passing, as I pick up my child from school,
I see you waiting in the car, picking up your grand kids.
Day after day,
You do this...
When a child goes to jail,
You pick up the pieces...
You take care of both husband and kids,
Never complaining...
Some may even take advantage of you.
But you continue.
And rather than teach the hard lessons of life,
You choose to simply remain present.
...
When you started to suffer,
I cried so much because I just didn't understand why someone so good needed to suffer.
I feel like if anyone deserved to suffer,
It should be me and not you.
...
Thank you for baby sitting my kids when we needed an extra hand.
Thank you for never judging when Hell broke loose in our household.
...
Tonight I drink alone.
A rare occasion.
Not alone, but with you and my Father.
You did everything you could during your time here.
May I honor you by trying to do everything I can during my stay.
May you rest in peace, loved one.
...
Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright December 2017