He comes home after a hard day at work. Sits down to the table with wife, daughter and daughter's boyfriend. The kids are so joyful, reminds him of when he was young. Full of spirit. But those days have long gone. He has been seasoned. He is a company man now. He thinks back to those days, living in the small town in Vietnam, with thatched roof.
He thinks back to when he dreamed of being a writer. His father wanted him to put a good head on his shoulders and determined to argue the dreamer out of him. But his stubbornness would not let it go. He was determined to become a writer.
Then, the country and war hit. Like all dreams, life has a way of coming through. Smashing face to face with a dream, draining all of that dreams blood, the air it breathes. But no sudden death, no ripping off the band aid, quickly. A slow painful death. That time, purposefully developed the first masculine trait, as he remembered deciding to give up on his dream and learn mathematics just to survive. Mathematics was his ticket out of the hell hole and the birth of a new life, a dream in and of itself, in America.
He looks across the kitchen table at his beautiful wife. He could not have eyes for any other woman. She patiently, kindly speaks to him and does not beat up on him as he has seen so many women do to their husbands. And for that he is grateful. She is classy and graceful, day in and day out. His gratitude shows in the car that he drives, a beat up, old grey car. He serves her daily. And she prances around in her red convertible Celica, though she is much older, it makes her feel like a twenty something, the envy of many women around her. A puppy with a brand new collar, gifted with love. She knows she is prized. He grabs some food, the last to eat at his own table. He does not ask for acknowledgement of his contributions but silently serves. He does not complain about his daily burdens because he remembers those days of struggle.
When he arrived in America, he discovered that he not only had to give up writing to learn a subject he hated, mathematics. But in Silicon Valley, before it even was Silicon Valley, he discovered that he would yet again have to deviate further from his passion to learn computer science. And he did.
From small village in Vietnam, to a nice suburban home where he could enjoy his family, his wife and daughter, to the mansion he had just bought. They purchased the house before it was even open and he could easily sell the house to turn a profit. But it represented so much more. Prosperity he had built for his family.
He looked across the table at this kid, this boy, who pursued his daughter. What was he to do? Did this young man, who knew nothing about life, who knew nothing of the world or life's struggles deserve his daughter? And on top of that, he stood in the way of her developing a career and a place in society where she would be well taken care of. Something, he fought so hard for.
But the young boy, has no place to live. And a man's father does not have to be the same person as a man's genetic father. Dinner finishes and he excuses himself from the table, entering his office. Dialing a number. "Hello." "Yes, I was calling about the apartment, is it still for rent?"
As the conversation ended, he hung up the phone wondering what the boy had remembered...
As a millionaire, he took this young man to the flea market and bargained over dollars for a bicycle. The message. Do not let your pride get in the way of doing what you need to do for your family. For that is something to truly be proud of.
As he spun out on the freeway, the young boy drove closely behind. He explained to the whole family that the young boy was such a great driver and the house erupted in laughter. Yet again, showing humility.
And in the weeks to come, he would pay for the young boy's apartment. "You will have two months to get a job and find a way to pay for the next month's rent, or you will have no place to live."
Time and seasons of life, slowly separated the young boy from his daughter. Through time, however, those actions, unnoticed by many, became more powerful teachings than any lecture ever could.
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
June 1, 2020
Monday, June 1, 2020
Sunday, April 5, 2020
Rain Drops
Everytime I feel the wind,
And listen to the sound of rain,
And yearn for the warmth of fire,
I think of apline snow,
And lovers in a gondola ride,
Love can keep us warm.
I see that picture of you smiling,
And remember how your joy,
Brought me joy,
Living through laughter and tears,
The ups and downs
And accepting one another.
How the time has past,
And the years have faded.
But a million triggers,
Highlight a distant thought,
Painful memories,
And make my lower left ribs tight,
Like a knot with no release,
Painted under a thousand wounds.
You were my first,
And still fairy tales exist,
To be my last and everything.
Eastridge and prom,
Glimpse of peas in a pod.
Do you ever wonder where they are?
The two meloncholies,
Live like distant stars,
Faint though they shine so bright,
The two sanguines,
Destined to have crossed those lines,
Still keep in touch.
Time goes by so slowly...
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright 4.5.2020
And listen to the sound of rain,
And yearn for the warmth of fire,
I think of apline snow,
And lovers in a gondola ride,
Love can keep us warm.
I see that picture of you smiling,
And remember how your joy,
Brought me joy,
Living through laughter and tears,
The ups and downs
And accepting one another.
How the time has past,
And the years have faded.
But a million triggers,
Highlight a distant thought,
Painful memories,
And make my lower left ribs tight,
Like a knot with no release,
Painted under a thousand wounds.
You were my first,
And still fairy tales exist,
To be my last and everything.
Eastridge and prom,
Glimpse of peas in a pod.
Do you ever wonder where they are?
The two meloncholies,
Live like distant stars,
Faint though they shine so bright,
The two sanguines,
Destined to have crossed those lines,
Still keep in touch.
Time goes by so slowly...
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright 4.5.2020
Thursday, February 27, 2020
Lost Masculinity
Where does the young man go?
In a society that hates men
Or a culture that provides no guidance
When no masculine outlet exists
Sexualized images seduce
A woman becomes that everything
Exacerbating the problem
Two young people meet
Not knowing themselves
Not grown themselves
Replacing community with each other
Putting the weight of the world on each other
Prematurely leaving the family unit
Prematurely finding a new tribe
Neither can fill such large shoes
Neither can be the answer
Combustion ensues
Can we not build foundations of values?
A platform of purpose?
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright February 2019
In a society that hates men
Or a culture that provides no guidance
When no masculine outlet exists
Sexualized images seduce
A woman becomes that everything
Exacerbating the problem
Two young people meet
Not knowing themselves
Not grown themselves
Replacing community with each other
Putting the weight of the world on each other
Prematurely leaving the family unit
Prematurely finding a new tribe
Neither can fill such large shoes
Neither can be the answer
Combustion ensues
Can we not build foundations of values?
A platform of purpose?
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright February 2019
Sunday, January 19, 2020
Seasons and Stages
Rose grew up in Southern Texas. Her mother and father owned a small ranch. Every morning, she got up early to do her chores. Then, she would go off to school.
In elementary school, she just went through the motions like every other kid. She tried to do what she was supposed to do and did not question anything around her. She was shy because some of the other kids made fun of her but she did not really think much of it.
When she hit middle school, the worst happened. Her mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Her health deteriorated in 6 months and it was a blow that left Rose wondering what just hit her because it all happened too quickly to process.
The next few years, Rose became more filled with solitude. Her world had been shattered and she was left powerless to do anything about it. She would sometimes observe Amy who was pretty and popular and seemed to have the perfect life. The bullying from when she was younger just triggered those hurtful messages that left her removing herself from society to cry to herself in the bathroom. She did not want anyone to have satisfaction of seeing her pain.
Over the years, the once blooming ranch turned sour. The green grass became weeds. The old shed, once beautiful, was now dark with rot, the roof had caved in. Boards were broken with branches from previous storms poking through. Her once delighted father, struggled to hold a job. He slowly became an alcoholic and a disease had spread through him.
A few weeks after Rose turned 16, the second most devastating thing in her life happened. Her father came home drunk one night, came into her bedroom and raped her. Rose was so shocked and numb, she did not even fight back. In the days that followed, she thought she could ignore the pain of betrayal but the insecurity drove her insane as she tried to pretend it never happened. A few weeks passed until Rose couldnt take it anymore. She dropped out of high school and ran away to California.
Over the years, she tried to leave the past wounds behind her. The biggest wounds she had were blows from her very own parents. How could life deal her this hand? Didnt she love me enough to fight? How could she leave me? Why did that happen? Was I not good enough? Was I a horrible person? Did I deserve what happened? Do all men just take what they want?
She came to grips with that fact that she was broken and unlovable and life would just not deal her a good hand. Others fell in love but she buried that impossibility so deep since it simply wouldnt happen to her.
Thats when she met Caleb. Caleb seemed like he enjoyed life and was so happy. His smile would be so bright, annoyingly bright. "Like, why is this idiot so happy all the time?" Somehow, opposites attracted and they became friends. She would ignore him and do her own thing like she always did but his bubbly spirit would come and swing by, smiling, asking her to come hang out with friends.
They did become friends. One night, while they talked alone in the car, she felt an anxiousness as she was drawn to him. It was a painful anxiousness because she had become comfortable just not feeling. Just avoiding. Now, this subtle hope that something good could happen to her, scared her. That maybe she could find love, hurt. She didnt know why she did it, but she leaned over and kissed Caleb. Immediately she regretted it. Im sorry, she uttered. But the feeling just rose up. That feeling that you all of a sudden become aware of a risk that you know you will only have once in a lifetime to take.
She climbed over the seats and kissed Caleb again. Harder this time. She felt his warmth, his body and heat and responses. She took off her shirt and something so natural happened. She pushed her breasts into him. She wanted him to enjoy her body. She wanted to nurture him, to take care of him. That night, they did have sex. It spawed a ten year relationship with kids and pta meetings and soccer games and a normal life.
After two kids and ten years, however, life had taken its toll on the relationship. There was no major catastrophe, no major reason that the beautiful fields of life would slowly deteriorate. They just did until there was no more love in the garden that was no longer tended to.
One morning, Caleb left. No note, no reason. He just left. The third most devastating event of Roses life. At first, she again asked all the questions. She wanted to run away. But over time, she grew angry. She blamed him for leaving and for the hardships she faced as a single mother.
For twenty years, she reverted to what she knew. Ignoring the past because it hurt to much. And trying to just survive.
Then, finally, the fourth and final devastation hit. Rose was diagnosed with the same cancer her mother had. She was given six months to live.
As she lay in her hospital bed, day after day, she was actually thankful that death was arriving. This world was just too painful to deal with. But deep down, she had always known there was a reason she was here, so she never felt like suicide was an option, even though the pain at times was unbearable.
She thought a lot about the major events in her life. She wondered if there was anyway she could have lived better. Done more to deserve more. She thought about how no one has the perfect life. Everyone feels at times like they are unworthy of love, like they are ugly rather than beautiful. That they are powerless against the evil that reigns. That her mother, her father, Caleb, they did not mean to hurt her.
For the first time, as ugly as their betrayals, she realized that they did what they did in response to brokeness inside themselves. And she truly believed if they knew, what their actions did to her. How much hurt it caused them, then they wouldnt have done it. She only knew this because her time on her deathbed had caused her to think of some of the devastating blows she had delivered. To close friends she met, to her own children even. And sorrow filled her heart. She used to justify that she was different. Pride snuck into her and she convinced herself that what she had done to hurt others was in no way comparable to what God, life and men had done to her. But as she lay there, too tired to wrestle anymore, she final lay down the burdens she chose to carry for a lifetime.
She had to be honest with herself and she knew she breathed as much evil into the world due to her own hurts. But she was okay with it, because she did the best she could and breathed a lot of good into the world too. She did the best she could and no single person could do more than that. There is no more than the best you could do. And she realized, the true enemy was not God or her father, or Caleb, but the devil himself. For the first time, she accepted all that was and surprisingly wouldnt change a single moment or second of the life she had been given. She felt the beauty of life, and seasons pass through her. With everything stripped away, her soul alone, she felt loved for the first time in her life. And the bright light called as an overwhelming peace overcame her. She close her eyes and passed.
In elementary school, she just went through the motions like every other kid. She tried to do what she was supposed to do and did not question anything around her. She was shy because some of the other kids made fun of her but she did not really think much of it.
When she hit middle school, the worst happened. Her mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Her health deteriorated in 6 months and it was a blow that left Rose wondering what just hit her because it all happened too quickly to process.
The next few years, Rose became more filled with solitude. Her world had been shattered and she was left powerless to do anything about it. She would sometimes observe Amy who was pretty and popular and seemed to have the perfect life. The bullying from when she was younger just triggered those hurtful messages that left her removing herself from society to cry to herself in the bathroom. She did not want anyone to have satisfaction of seeing her pain.
Over the years, the once blooming ranch turned sour. The green grass became weeds. The old shed, once beautiful, was now dark with rot, the roof had caved in. Boards were broken with branches from previous storms poking through. Her once delighted father, struggled to hold a job. He slowly became an alcoholic and a disease had spread through him.
A few weeks after Rose turned 16, the second most devastating thing in her life happened. Her father came home drunk one night, came into her bedroom and raped her. Rose was so shocked and numb, she did not even fight back. In the days that followed, she thought she could ignore the pain of betrayal but the insecurity drove her insane as she tried to pretend it never happened. A few weeks passed until Rose couldnt take it anymore. She dropped out of high school and ran away to California.
Over the years, she tried to leave the past wounds behind her. The biggest wounds she had were blows from her very own parents. How could life deal her this hand? Didnt she love me enough to fight? How could she leave me? Why did that happen? Was I not good enough? Was I a horrible person? Did I deserve what happened? Do all men just take what they want?
She came to grips with that fact that she was broken and unlovable and life would just not deal her a good hand. Others fell in love but she buried that impossibility so deep since it simply wouldnt happen to her.
Thats when she met Caleb. Caleb seemed like he enjoyed life and was so happy. His smile would be so bright, annoyingly bright. "Like, why is this idiot so happy all the time?" Somehow, opposites attracted and they became friends. She would ignore him and do her own thing like she always did but his bubbly spirit would come and swing by, smiling, asking her to come hang out with friends.
They did become friends. One night, while they talked alone in the car, she felt an anxiousness as she was drawn to him. It was a painful anxiousness because she had become comfortable just not feeling. Just avoiding. Now, this subtle hope that something good could happen to her, scared her. That maybe she could find love, hurt. She didnt know why she did it, but she leaned over and kissed Caleb. Immediately she regretted it. Im sorry, she uttered. But the feeling just rose up. That feeling that you all of a sudden become aware of a risk that you know you will only have once in a lifetime to take.
She climbed over the seats and kissed Caleb again. Harder this time. She felt his warmth, his body and heat and responses. She took off her shirt and something so natural happened. She pushed her breasts into him. She wanted him to enjoy her body. She wanted to nurture him, to take care of him. That night, they did have sex. It spawed a ten year relationship with kids and pta meetings and soccer games and a normal life.
After two kids and ten years, however, life had taken its toll on the relationship. There was no major catastrophe, no major reason that the beautiful fields of life would slowly deteriorate. They just did until there was no more love in the garden that was no longer tended to.
One morning, Caleb left. No note, no reason. He just left. The third most devastating event of Roses life. At first, she again asked all the questions. She wanted to run away. But over time, she grew angry. She blamed him for leaving and for the hardships she faced as a single mother.
For twenty years, she reverted to what she knew. Ignoring the past because it hurt to much. And trying to just survive.
Then, finally, the fourth and final devastation hit. Rose was diagnosed with the same cancer her mother had. She was given six months to live.
As she lay in her hospital bed, day after day, she was actually thankful that death was arriving. This world was just too painful to deal with. But deep down, she had always known there was a reason she was here, so she never felt like suicide was an option, even though the pain at times was unbearable.
She thought a lot about the major events in her life. She wondered if there was anyway she could have lived better. Done more to deserve more. She thought about how no one has the perfect life. Everyone feels at times like they are unworthy of love, like they are ugly rather than beautiful. That they are powerless against the evil that reigns. That her mother, her father, Caleb, they did not mean to hurt her.
For the first time, as ugly as their betrayals, she realized that they did what they did in response to brokeness inside themselves. And she truly believed if they knew, what their actions did to her. How much hurt it caused them, then they wouldnt have done it. She only knew this because her time on her deathbed had caused her to think of some of the devastating blows she had delivered. To close friends she met, to her own children even. And sorrow filled her heart. She used to justify that she was different. Pride snuck into her and she convinced herself that what she had done to hurt others was in no way comparable to what God, life and men had done to her. But as she lay there, too tired to wrestle anymore, she final lay down the burdens she chose to carry for a lifetime.
She had to be honest with herself and she knew she breathed as much evil into the world due to her own hurts. But she was okay with it, because she did the best she could and breathed a lot of good into the world too. She did the best she could and no single person could do more than that. There is no more than the best you could do. And she realized, the true enemy was not God or her father, or Caleb, but the devil himself. For the first time, she accepted all that was and surprisingly wouldnt change a single moment or second of the life she had been given. She felt the beauty of life, and seasons pass through her. With everything stripped away, her soul alone, she felt loved for the first time in her life. And the bright light called as an overwhelming peace overcame her. She close her eyes and passed.
Thursday, September 19, 2019
Intertwined
Rob and Marci were meant to be together. They just were. Rob was the star basketball player. He was athletic and smart and funny.
Marci was shy and reserved. She liked her books and became a safe place for Rob where he could hide away from the troubles of life. A picnic in the park, a ride to the beach.
For three years, it seemed like the two were inseparable. They partied together, explored together, ate together and travelled together.
But as life's calling egged them onto a different stage in life, they found themselves trying to become more established.
It was at that point that Rob and Marci started to drift apart. Their life goals and search for meaning and more, caused them to go their separate ways. Throughout the years, they both thought about each other, but once that season is over, it seems no matter how much something is forced, it is like destiny himself is battling to keep the two away.
Their life would drift into each others without even knowing it. Rob would be at a coffee shop in Miami, after a cruise docked. Marci would be parked right next door getting her suits pressed for the morning meeting.
Marci would go visit her parents and pick something up from the grociery store and Rob would be in the next eisle over.
Yet, the two never ran into each other.
Both had become widely successful, gotten married, had two kids and gotten divorced.
It just seemed life would never grant them what they discovered so early on. Too bad, they did not even know what they had.
Old hurts would cause a little fizzle to die out, when they did reach out to each other. Its the toxicity of leaving once or scarring once the embeds the doubt that can never be overcome. Some people do it. They leave, then come back only to find the same issues and challenges and leave again, deeping the wound. So the two would never be together.
They ended up reasonably happy and found someone to settle with. Not quite the same passion, desire, connection. But a learned love that was just as deep and companionship for the lives they chose to lead.
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright September 2019
Marci was shy and reserved. She liked her books and became a safe place for Rob where he could hide away from the troubles of life. A picnic in the park, a ride to the beach.
For three years, it seemed like the two were inseparable. They partied together, explored together, ate together and travelled together.
But as life's calling egged them onto a different stage in life, they found themselves trying to become more established.
It was at that point that Rob and Marci started to drift apart. Their life goals and search for meaning and more, caused them to go their separate ways. Throughout the years, they both thought about each other, but once that season is over, it seems no matter how much something is forced, it is like destiny himself is battling to keep the two away.
Their life would drift into each others without even knowing it. Rob would be at a coffee shop in Miami, after a cruise docked. Marci would be parked right next door getting her suits pressed for the morning meeting.
Marci would go visit her parents and pick something up from the grociery store and Rob would be in the next eisle over.
Yet, the two never ran into each other.
Both had become widely successful, gotten married, had two kids and gotten divorced.
It just seemed life would never grant them what they discovered so early on. Too bad, they did not even know what they had.
Old hurts would cause a little fizzle to die out, when they did reach out to each other. Its the toxicity of leaving once or scarring once the embeds the doubt that can never be overcome. Some people do it. They leave, then come back only to find the same issues and challenges and leave again, deeping the wound. So the two would never be together.
They ended up reasonably happy and found someone to settle with. Not quite the same passion, desire, connection. But a learned love that was just as deep and companionship for the lives they chose to lead.
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright September 2019
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
The Yard House
Cold stone steps
Wind against my heart
Sand drifting through space
Slowly painting out history
The death of loss
It happened six months ago
But finally I feel it
Stay strong for everyone else
A state of fog, shock and disbelief
Handle what needs to be done
Though I was torn inside
A warm memory sneaks in my mind
With vivid clarity
When we first met
You picked me up in your arms
Dragons breath sweet milk
Electric box of loneliness
The stars seem to understand
Shed a tear for the river flows
There comes a breaking point
Where the soul can never mend
...
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright August 2019
Wind against my heart
Sand drifting through space
Slowly painting out history
The death of loss
It happened six months ago
But finally I feel it
Stay strong for everyone else
A state of fog, shock and disbelief
Handle what needs to be done
Though I was torn inside
A warm memory sneaks in my mind
With vivid clarity
When we first met
You picked me up in your arms
Dragons breath sweet milk
Electric box of loneliness
The stars seem to understand
Shed a tear for the river flows
There comes a breaking point
Where the soul can never mend
...
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright August 2019
Friday, July 19, 2019
Peace In All
Rides to save me
Company to sober me
Sweaters to warm me
Massages to relax me
Smiles to accompany me
Hamburgers to feed me
Parties to engage me
...
Such good memories
Such a great gift
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright 2019
Company to sober me
Sweaters to warm me
Massages to relax me
Smiles to accompany me
Hamburgers to feed me
Parties to engage me
...
Such good memories
Such a great gift
<SI> Scott Izu, PhD
Copyright 2019
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